Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Sayonara to Online Dating...For Now

Hi, my name is Barbara and it's been eight days since I checked my online dating profile....and you know why? I closed it down!

My strike rate on Plenty of Fish in the last four weeks was pretty low and it was starting to get me down.

I'd sent more than a dozen messages to guys I thought were cute or had a good profile (or both) and most went unnoticed. I didn't get replies back.

I must admit, I'd had a good run with messaging guys online. This was the first time I hit a brick wall and I didn't like it.

To add to the mix, old mate from the backpackers contacted me again (out of the blue). I was out for a few drinks with friends and got into a vodka-fueled message-a-thon with him (not recommended).

He tried to tell me he hadn't heard from me in a week and wanted to know what I was up to. Turns out he's got some personal stuff going on right now and I suggested it wasn't the best time to start something with me.

He agreed, then suggested I 'drop him a text or call' sometime. I said no, I wanted to be with someone who made me a priority.

He was under the (deluded) impression I just wanted to be friends.

Yeah, that's why my profile said "actively seeking a relationship". Sure.

I told him I didn't join an online dating site to find more friends.

He was like 'wow, okay, right'.

So right now I'm keeping an open mind about what will happen next. There's no online dating presence for me right now but maybe, just maybe, I'll find a guy the old fashioned way.

Stay tuned...

Saturday, August 23, 2014

It's Not Me, It's You

I've come so close to the elusive date #3 I've started to blame myself for not reaching the milestone.

But after some self reflection, and chats with friends, I've decided it's not me, it's them.

And here's why.

I am engaging in my text message (lord knows I ask them enough about themselves), I mean what I say and I'm pretty upfront about wanting to meet them in person.

I like to believe I am the same in person as I am in text. I don't pretend to be something, or someone, I'm not.

I'm not sure if I've been on too many first dates (is there such a thing?) but I know what I want and I'm a good judge of character and usually know within the first half hour to an hour if I like the guy and want to see them again.

I recently went on a first day with a chap from the UK. He was a very good texter. Would reply just about immediately and would answer my myriad of questions and was happy to fire some back at me (tick).

He gave me his number the first night we started chatting through Plenty of Fish. It was the quickest I'd been given a number. We soon moved to the app WhatsApp which shows you the last time the person was online and if they read your messages.

We were messaging everyday and he was the first to suggest a face-to-face which was a nice change because it's always me taking the leap of faith.

So we meet for drinks and hallelujah, he actually looks better than his photos! There's a first for everything. He hugs me and it's like we're old friends meeting for a drink.

Conversation flows easily, there aren't any awkward silences and there are plenty of hints of a date #2. Four-and-a-half hours later we call it a night, he walks me to the taxi, hugs me goodbye and heads home.

I'm in the taxi two minutes and he's texted me saying it was nice to meet me and he looked forward to seeing me again.

Finally, a guy who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to tell you.

Messages go back and forth and we both admit we'd had a good date and wanted to see each other again.

A few days later when we're messaging he asks when he can see me again? Ummm, how about Saturday night?

Not wanting to get caught in the "just drinks" date, he decides we'll head to the Sit Down Comedy Club at the Paddo Tavern in Brisbane. Sounds good. Secretly I was pleased 1) he'd made a decision and 2) he was being proactive about seeing me again. Tick, tick.

Was this too good to be true? Sadly, yes.

So Saturday rolls around and we're meeting at 6.30pm for a drink and quick dinner before a 8pm show. He arrived first and had a drink waiting for me (tick). The comedy show was great, really funny, albeit with a few awkward comments you don't want to hear on a date.

Afterwards we head to a bar for some drinks and before we know it, it's 12.50am and I have to rescue my car (yes, I'd driven) before it's locked in the carpark at 1am.

We both hot foot it out of the bar, rushing to get there before the carpark closes. I'd offered to drop him home (10 mins away) and assumed he'd said yes.

As I'm pushing the button for the lift he's hugging me and saying goodbye. WTF? Goodbye, aren't I dropping you home, I ask?

Nah, I'll just walk.

By this time the lift doors had opened and closed and I had to push the button again. The lift arrives, I look at the guy quizzically and he says bye and starts walking away as the doors close.

I'm standing in the lift wondering what the f**k just happened and at the same time getting flashbacks of my ill-fated "taxi incident" a few months back.

But hang on, this time it wasn't my fault.

I find my car, leave the carpark and on the drive home I get a message from the guy saying thanks for a good night.

I reply when I got home saying you're welcome, hope everything is okay as you left pretty abruptly.

What ensues is an hour+ texting session about how he thought I wasn't interested in him, I was, but was waiting for him to make the first move blah blah blah.

I'd given him a small present earlier in the night - a key ring which doubled as a bottle opener. I'd been at SeaWorld the day before and thought of him and bought the present.

That alone should tell the guy I like him - I don't buy presents for guys on the second date (who am I kidding - I don't buy presents because, chances are, I don't get past the first date!)

I'd also made a passing comment about if my date lasted until midnight, that was a good sign.

I was getting my car at 1am.....this was a good sign.

Anyway, let's fast forward to the next day and the texting is quite forced; he's reading my messages, but taking hours to reply (this was unusual).

We tentatively make plans to catch up on Tuesday, but he messages me about lunchtime that day asking if we can change it to Wednesday night?

Sorry, I can't, I reply. I have plans Wednesday and Thursday, but when are you free, I ask

He replies he's had a chaotic week and to be honest he doesn't know when he'll have time.

Okay, that's a slap in the face. Fair enough he's busy, but if he really wanted to see me, he would.

The next night he messages at 1.30am saying he's had a random night out, got talking to a girl from his hometown in the UK and they ended up going to karaoke together.

Congratulations. For a guy who's just so busy, you sure know how to make time for a total stranger and then you go and tell the girl you've been on a couple of dates with, about it. Nice going, mate.

Needless to say I've deleted his number and won't reply to anymore messages. Not that I'm expecting any though.

And you know what mate? This time it's all you, not me. I am worth somebody going to the trouble of sticking to plans for date #3.

Good luck finding a girl who doesn't think so.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Upping the Ante on a First Date

I've managed to go on a date and be rejected within three days. Quite a mean feat actually and a first for me.

My last post explored the extent of how boring my dates had become. But alas, I had organised a ghost tour of a former gaol to bring back the excitement in a first date.

The guy turned up at my place with a bottle of vodka. I was freaking out our pre-ghost-tour-drinks had turned in an awkward let's-sit-on-the-couch-get-to-know-you-kinda-night. But thankfully he was just giving me the alcohol to say thanks for organising the date.

Tick.

We then walk to a little cute bar not far from my place and we get about 100m from the entrance and he starts feeling his jeans pockets. Oh no, he says. He continue to feel his pockets. Shit!

'What's wrong?', I ask.
'I think I've left my wallet in the car', he replies.

This poor guy is freaking out and was so embarrassed. After a few minutes we decide to swing past my place on the way to the ghost tour.

I get the first 'round of drinks, which that was okay. He'd bought me a $40 bottle of vodka; I didn't think this guy was taking me for a ride.

While we sip our drinks, he manages to confuse me with another girl he'd obviously been chatting to on Plenty of Fish. He was re-telling stories I'd already heard and was asking me questions about my family which didn't apply to me.

I wasn't offended. This is just one of those things that can happen when you chat to more than one person when you're online dating. The trick is to remember what you've told each one.

It's soon time for us to head to the ghost tour (and pick up said wallet on the way) and I'm ready for some fun.

Plus, a ghost tour is the perfect opportunity/excuse to hold hands!

Almost two hours later we leave the gaol a little nervous, excited and ready for some more drinks. I don't think either of us thought it would go for so long. We didn't have much chance to talk during the tour and my date was dying to go to the toilet!

I'd never met anyone who went to the toilet as much as I did - and especially not any guys.

I'd chatted to this guy for about two weeks before meeting in person and it was actually refreshing to meet someone who had almost as many bad first-date stories as I did.

So we spent the next few hours swapping stories about who had the worst time at online dating.

Things were becoming more comfortable as the hours passed.

It was good because we weren't getting into the heavy duty first date stuff (which I was trying to avoid).

This guy had made an effort clothes-wise as well. He had nice dress shoes on, jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. And he smelt good.

He paid for drinks, I paid for some. He picked up the taxi bills, I shared some.

It was a very 21st Century date and that was good.

It was getting close to 2am when we decided to call it a night. I'd had fun, thought he had and was secretly planning our second date.

Although it was never talked about that night (red flag??), we had mentioned it in our texts.

So the next day I send the guy a message asking how his surf was, just general chit-chat. He replied, but was very non-committal.

He was heading out that night with mates so there weren't many messages.

I got a bit of radio silence the next day and decided to message saying I'd had a really good date and hoped to see him again and just wanted to check we were on the same page?

Same page? Don't even think we were reading the same book.
He doesn't reply that night (another red flag) and decides 9.30am Monday morning is the best time to break it to me gently.

I'm at work. Reading this rejection message. Ummmm, not cool.

He said he enjoyed Friday night and I was a great girl but didn't think there was enough to start a relationship. He apologised for breaking it to me like this but said I deserved to know.

I was numb reading the message. How could I have gotten the signals so wrong?

And why did he have to be so specific about why he didn't want to see me again. A thanks, but not thanks would have sufficed.

I know a lot of you are thinking it's good that he was honest but I don't want that kind of honesty after a first date. Because what he told me was personal and I took it personally. The whole it's not me, it's you, certainly applied to me in this case.

So the dating circle begins again. Here I go again messaging another guy and deciding what I will and won't tell him about me.

This really is like a second job. Good thing I love sharing it with you all!

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Boring First Dates

I think we can all agree I've had my fair share of first dates (afterall, that's what this blog is essentially about, right?) but I am over the boring topics I find myself talking to these guys about.

I joined Plenty of Fish recently and had my first date within four days. It sounded good in theory, but I'd only been chatting to the guy for a couple of days before he asked to catch up.

I thought why not? I'll try something I don't normally do - usually I chat for about a week before broaching the subject of a meet up.

I ended up driving to the date (which is generally a big no-no for me) because he lived 45 minutes out of town and was driving in. Didn't think it would be a good look to get drunk (been there, done that) when he was only having a few.

We went to a pub and while he went to get us some drinks I start chatting to this girl sitting next to me at the pub. She looked like she was waiting for a date so I asked her.

Yep, she was waiting to meet a guy she'd been chatting to for the past six weeks. She admitted she didn't normally wait that long before meeting, but things had come up. He'd called and said he would be late as he was catching a taxi from the Bayside.

She asks me how my date was going and I said okay so far. My date comes back with drinks and I'm chatting to him again. I turn around later when my date was getting drinks again and the guy had arrived. And he was cute! The three of us start a conversation - he asks me how my date was going (obviously she'd told him) and I asked how the taxi ride was the Bayside!

We all laugh - it was like the three of us were on the date. At least it would have been more fun if we were.

Somehow my date and I end up talking about the price of fuel. Come onnnnnnnnnnn. How has this become first-date chatter? This is boring and certainly not sexy and has no scent of mystery about it.

If that wasn't enough, the guy tells me he's married (separated), she cheated on him (he did FIFO work and was never there....) and now she's pregnant with the other guy's baby. The separation only happened in December and it's clear it's still raw with this guy.

He then feels the need to tell me they married in Fiji three years ago but never legalised the marriage in Australia so technically they aren't married.

They still share custody of two cats (he gets them when she works away).

Am I boring you yet? I'm yawning as I type.

With all due respect I don't give a shit about his pregnant ex wife or his cats or how far he travels to work each day (hence the fuel price chat).

I am sick of hearing everyone's baggage in a three-hour first date. This is NOT normal. Some of these things should't come out until months down the track.

Who decided first dates should be about laying all you cards on the table?

I had a disagreement with a friend of mine who says she'd prefer to hear the baggage straight up - that way she could run earlier.

I would prefer to wait because hearing the news after you'd gotten to know the guy might mean you keep your feet safely planted on the ground instead of running. You'd gotten to know him and liked what you saw and whatever it was wasn't a deal breaker anymore.

Perhaps.

I don't think joining an online dating site gives a guy a licence to ask you as many personal, intrusive and boring questions as he likes during your first date.

Would you do that if you were on a date in the "real  world"? I know I wouldn't - and don't with online dating guys.

Back to fuel guy - as I like to refer to him - he basically admitted to me it can sometimes take him days to reply to messages (and many of the girls get angry - I wonder why???) because all he wants to do when he gets home is dinner, shower, bed and do it all again tomorrow.

Sounds inviting, doesn't it? I even said to him "you're really selling yourself to me" and just kinda smiled.

So after 3+ hours I'd just about had enough. Two hours in he date he'd asked me if I was hungry and I said I could eat something, then he replies he wasn't hungry. And hour late he decides he's hungry and asks me what I wanted to do?

Insert him leaning into me and giving me the 'foot tap' like he's saying 'how 'bout it? If I stay at yours tonight I'll save on fuel'. He didn't say it but I could see the idea ticking through his mind.

Umm, how about no buddy? Have I given you any indication I'm interested? Has there been any leg touching, shoulder brushing, fingers touching? No. I couldn't have been more clear if I tried.

So I pretend to look at my watch like I'm deciding what I'll do 'oh look at the time - I should probably get going' I reply.

Luckily I didn't have to duck and weave at the usually awkward 'car' moment at the end of the night as he'd picked up my vibes and was standing a couple of metres from me.

So his radar's not that off, afterall.

I'm upping the ante for the next first date - a ghost tour of Boggo Road Gaol!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

I Quit Tinder

I quit Tinder.

It sounds like the beginning of a sad love letter...

A friend had recently said she didn't think Tinder was right for me...and I had to agree. I was quickly losing momentum with the swiping right idea.

I had a few people I'd matched with and most wouldn't start the conversation. I mean, come on guys. Why did you join Tinder if you weren't actually going to contact any girls?

Their lack of gumption also started to annoy me and not in a good way. Sure, I turned to online dating to find a boyfriend but I am a traditional girl at heart and think the guy should make the first move.

But I was getting older by the day as I waited for a guy to message.

But this wasn't happening on Tinder. I would wait a few days, then a week and still no message. I got sick of sending the first message and keeping the chat alive continually asking questions.

Let's face it. If you can't be bothered to message ME or ask ME about myself in an effort to get to know me, then I don't want to waste anymore time on you.

I was sick of seeing the bathroom selfies, I'm beyond annoyed reading about how much they frequent the gym - perhaps they should be dating the gym??

One thing I was surprised with was the number of guys who had children. Now if you've read my previous posts you will know I'm not interested in dating someone with children but this also seemed like a contradiction when everyone says Tinder is for hook ups.

These guys with kids in their profile pics weren't contacting me for that. They weren't contacting me full stop.

I imagined Tinder would be full of young guys looking for a bit of somethin' somethin' but instead I was seeing guys who'd done the whole marriage/kid thing and were onto round two.

During the three-odd months I was on Tinder I had three dates. Not a particularly good strike rate so I thought I'd give another dating site a go.

I've always said this online dating thing was a numbers game. The more guys you chat to and go on dates with, the more likely you're going to find a nice guy.

Well, that's what I'm hoping for.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Calling Him Out

After first complimenting a guy on his cool profile pic (he's in the foreground and there is a motorbike in the background and the clouds look all grey and mysterious), I soon find out we both loved Instagram.

We exchanged meaningful messages (more than 'how was your day?') for about a week before I took the leap of faith and sent him my phone number.

Might be easier to text, I say. Use it as you wish I say.

As the hours passed I wondered what exactly he was going to do with my number? Seven hours later I get a message through Tinder from the guy and he gives me his number.....

Ummm, dude, when a girl gives you her number you're supposed to text her!

So I mulled over this for a few minutes. I had hoped he'd message me but I thought seeing he'd only been on Tinder a couple of weeks, he probably didn't know how things worked.

But hang on a minute, common sense says text the girl! So I message him and we text back and forth for a couple of days.

I find out he's quite interested to know I write a blog about online dating (and even asked for the address). Almost daily he'd ask if I'd written about him yet? I replied that I would, but depending on how things panned out between us would determine how I would write it.

I'd felt comfortable enough with this guy so I mention a possible catch up on the weekend and he was interested. I suggest Friday night but he's busy with end of financial year functions. Same goes with Saturday night.

But he doesn't offer an alternative. He's not giving off the best of signals right now. Does he or does he not want to meet me?

I put it out there - how about Sunday afternoon? A day goes by, no response. Two days, then before I know it, four days.

He'd still been online on Tinder at all hours of the night. My overactive mind goes into overdrive and I decide the guy had met someone else on Tinder and had changed his mind about meeting up with me.

That's fair enough. But what I didn't like was the not knowing.

So I called him out on it. I sent a text Sunday morning saying by the lack of response from him it seemed he didn't want to catch up with me anymore. That's fine if he's met someone else but he could have had the decency to let me know we weren't going to catch up.

I didn't expect a reply. I'd said my peace.

But he did! Twenty minutes later he said sorry he hadn't made any plans with me and no he hadn't met someone else.

I nearly fell off the bed. I asked if he still wanted to meet me? Yes, but not today as he was busy. I said so was I, I was on the Gold Coast.

That was two days ago and still nothing. I honestly don't think this guy will actually grow any balls and organise a catch up with me but that's okay because I let him know you just can't forget about a girl like that. If you're not interested - let her know.

Plus I had a date with a sweet, cute, Spanish guy who has shown more interest in me than he has.

You snooze, you lose.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Date #3 Curse

I did see the last guy again, we managed a date #2 but I still have my date #3 curse hanging over my head.

The second date was pretty tame - we went to Eat Street Markets. He was tired and didn't seem all that interested. I was hanging (hoping?) for an invitation up, but didn't get one.

We had tentatively planned date #3, when the day before he texts at 9.40pm saying he'd been off sick that day and would go to the doctors the next day. No mention of tomorrow night's date. I think he was secretly hoping I would bring it up.

I replied, with concern, then suggested we could watch movies at his place.

Then he went into radio silence. That was three weeks ago and I still haven't heard from him.

I'm sad to say I didn't get my happy ending I was hoping for.

Usually I make excuses for the guy as to why he hasn't replied to my text, but this time I wasn't having a bar of it.

I had kept my Friday night free and ended up sitting on the couch watching bad tv. I got a couple of messages from friends asking where I was and they were surprised when I told them I was at home.

Because, like me, they thought this guy was different. He might actually be interested in me and show initiative with texting/calling/making future plans.

But this time I didn't want to hear their rationale. I hoped he was lying in a ditch somewhere (that sounds harsh, but...), without his phone, and that was the only reason he couldn't possibly have had the common courtesy to say thanks, but no thanks. 

Instead he took the coward's way out (and the all too familiar path I know) of just not replying to my text.

I was in half a mind to give him a piece of my mind but common sense prevailed (and a few talkings to from friends). He's not replying to my regular messages, he's hardly going to reply to one when I hit him up about not making concrete plans with me and not reply when I asked about our date plans.

So I did what many women before me have done. I let it slide. I decided to be the bigger person.

He's not worth it, they say. You'll find someone better, they say. If he's treating you like this now, what will it be like down the track, they say.

But I think the best piece of advice (and the one which cheered me up the most) was a good friend of mine telling me there were plenty more Tinder fish in the sea! Amen to that.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Meeting the Old Fashioned Way

My heart is beating quickly and my eyes are about to jump out of my head. How did I get those signs wrong? I mean, we hadn't even held hands, yet I manage to duck and weave the end-of-date-peck-on-the-cheek scenario.

Shit, what have I done? I really like this guy and now he's thinks we've moved into 'friends' territory. This is not good.

In my defense, there wasn't the awkward staring at each other/what do we do now moment.

I thanked him for a lovely date, said we should catch up again before I duck my head and jump into the waiting taxi.

I do this at the exact moment my date leans in for said mentioned peck.
Shit. I realise I snubbed him as I am sitting safely in the back of the taxi, which is heading in the opposite direction.

I did manage to tell him I'd message him when I was home. Surely that would help my chances, anyone?

I text him when I'm home and he replies thanking me for coming to his mate's birthday drinks and tells me he's in a cab on his way home. There isn't any mention of enjoying the date too....I really did screw this one up.

But I should start at the beginning. I'd met this guy during a girls' night out in the Valley. I chatted to him for about 10 minutes, he and his mates were leaving the bar and he's like I'd ask you for your number, but I don't have my phone. I of course ask why not? Because everyone spends all night on their phones on Facebook (true, but....), he replies. 

What if someone has to get in contact with you? I'm not that important, he says.

"I have a pen!" I exclaim (I wasn't going to put his number in my phone. No sireee. The guy has to get the girl's number). That's old school, he says. So he grabs a napkin from the bar and I find myself writing my name and number down. How cliche. I have turned into one of those girls.

I fold it up and give it to him (because if it's small noone will realise what I've just done). I'll hear from you in a week when you find this in your jeans pocket? I ask. Nooooo, he says.

He leaves and I continue my night, not thinking much about this guy or if he would actually text. I had already lined up my first Tinder date so I wasn't too concerned with him messaging.

It was actually refreshing to know you still can meet people the old fashioned way and not everyone is suited for this online dating caper (the jury is still out).

The next day he texts saying he was the guy from the bar last night and how did my night end up? I was shocked. I mean this guy has actually text when he said he would. They usually get your number and you never hear from them again.

This act alone set him apart from the others ('cause there's so many).

We messaged back and forth for the next few days until I realised he wasn't going to actually ask me out on a date. So me being me, I ask him if he's free on the weekend and we line up a late afternoon Saturday date. He had a friend's birthday drinks to go to afterwards, which gave him a perfectly good out if our date went south.

Before we're supposed to meet I get a text from him asking if I remembered what he looked like? Ummmm, yeah, I think so, I reply. Of course I remembered! How drunk did he think I was??

The date was great. A few vodkas in and we both seemed quite comfortable and I find out he likes entertainment news and gossip like I do and he also loves movies (massive tick).

After about three hours and a few mentions of "I really should get to my mate's drinks..." he asks me go with him. Yeah, would love to, as long as your friend doesn't mind, I say. No, of course not.

So we jump in a taxi and next minute I'm being introduced to my date's mates. Gotta say this is a first. Haven't met the guy's mates so early on in the relationship.

Everything was going well. There was a DJ playing vinyl records, we were spending equal amounts of time chatting to each other and also mingling with the rest of the guests. There was the right amount of leg touching going on.

I'd made mention of us having a movie night to watch a few cult films I hadn't seen. He even admitted to not watching The Notebook. "I forgot to tell you I'm a heterosexual male." Yeah, funny.

Turns out my date and I, the birthday boy and another couple are the last to leave the bar. I'd already spent seven hours on this epic date (longest first date in history for me) and I was ready to catch and taxi and head home. So was my date.

And this leads me to my earlier predicament......my heart is beating quickly and my eyes are about to jump out of my head. How did I get those signs wrong?

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Tinder Date #2

It's 9pm and I'm sitting at home on my couch; makeup is off and I'm in my pyjamas.
It's not a good sign because I went on a (Tinder) date a few hours ago and things went south.

I'd chatted to this guy the previous night on the phone for two hours but in real-life it wasn't the same.


And I wasn't attracted to him. At all, He was another who didn't look like this photos which were a younger, skinnier version of him.

Date started out okay but soon there was a lot of awkwardness (which he brings up, even more awkward) and he stares at me in the really uncomfortable way. He's taking a drink of his beer while staring straight at me/through me.


I comment a few times about how it's weird he's staring at me and he thinks it's normal. He even asked me if I looked away from him because I was uncomfortable?

Umm, no mate. This is how I am when I talk to people I maintain eye contact, then look away BECAUSE IT'S WEIRD TO STARE AT PEOPLE!

Then he says he has never had feedback like that before, of which I reply it's not "feedback", it was simply a comment, an observation.

Way to go, you really know how to make a girl feel uncomfortable.

There are so many 'bad' moments from the date, I'll just keep them to a minimum.

Here are a few examples:


He comments on my French manicure and asks when I got it done? I said I do it myself and he's like but when did you do it? I replied, last Thursday.


And that's it, he doesn't say anything else. Doesn't compliment me or anything.


He asks if I want children (everyone knows how much I love this question).

I pause, hesitate and look at him.
I ask him why he needs to know this - I don't like talking about this on a first date.

I ask him if he wants children - "yes, of course" and I said isn't it an issue for you if I don't want kids?


I really don't like getting into this. THIS IS NOT FIRST DATE TALK. Think I need to send a memo to the guys before we go on a date.


Barbara will not talk about kids, marriage and ex-boyfriends. Maybe I should wear it around my neck, just to be safe.

For two people who spent two hours taking on the phone the night before, there were a lot of awkward silences. And this guy keeps pointing them out again and again.

At one stage we're talking about yoga, quite in depth,
He goes twice a week and I've just taken up hot yoga about a month ago so when we first started chatting on Tinder, this was a common interest.

But on the date he kept hassling me and wanted to know why I didn't like the quietness of yoga.

"I just don't," I reply.

I'm thinking, what's the big deal. But he doesn't leave it alone, then he tries to psycho analyse why I don't like being in a quiet room when you're not supposed to talk.

He blurts out "where are you in the family? Middle, end?". I'm I'm the only girl, and youngest.

I said "do you want me to lie down on the couch?" making fun of him but think it went over his head.

He then says 'we must have run out of things to say if this is what we're talking about'. You think this, but don't say out loud. I agreed and said let's move on.

We don't share the same taste in music, movies or tv shows. All he watches is ABC and listens to Radio National.

He likes Kanye West (WTF?) but doesn't read any of the pop culture stuff about him (this is my bread and butter).

These may not sound like deal breakers to you (and they're not for me), but they do play a really big part in my life.

After telling one friend about the terrible date she said he had an unusual understanding of social norms. That described him, and the date perfectly.

He also ordered for me. I've never had a guy/let a guy do this but thought I'd humour him. He ordered the beef for entree to share, we ordered our own mains then had an intense 'discussion' about dessert.

I wanted creme brulee while he wanted the panacotta. I wasn't hungry enough to share two and I wasn't going to budge on the creme brulee.

By this time he was really starting to annoy me with all the comments about the awkwardness so I stood my ground.

When he ordered creme brulee I was surprised.

Anyway, he pays the bill and we're standing out the front of the restaurant. He wanted to give me a hug and lifted me up (bear hug-like) and we went our separate ways (this is 8.45pm).
By 9.30pm he messages saying am I going to see you again? (how about it was really lovely to meet you, I had a nice time, would you like to catch up again?).
I said I thought the way the date ended was an indication we didn't have a good time?
Turns out he did have a good time.
I said all the signs pointed to both of us not having anything to say and it was time to leave.
He replies "I think you're fantastic Barbara...if that's how you read your signs then I'm not going to convince you otherwise.
Me: you have a funny way of showing it
Him: Pfft. Hilarious. You have a funny way of showing your gratitude for dinner.
I didn't reply. It was 10.40pm, I turned my phone off (didn't want any messages waking me up) and went to bed.
Fast forward 24 hours and it's Friday night and he messages 'what are you doing tonight?'.
How many times do I have to say no, no, no, no, no?!

Friday, May 23, 2014

My First Tinder Date...

So I'd been tindering for about two weeks and thought it was time to meet up with someone. 

After chatting to this guy I decided it was time to meet in person. He obliged and we chose one Friday night.

I arrived first, watching each guy walk past like he could be my date. I smiled (with a question mark at the end) but noone stopped.

Soon my date walked up, hands in his jumper pockets, generally not looking like he wanted to be there. I had made an effort and he was severely under dressed.

He stopped - we looked at each other a few seconds before I asked his name.

From this first glimpse of the guy, I wanted to run in the opposite direction.

Now I know this sounds mean, but I can't help the way I felt. To start with, he didn't look like the (very) vague photo in his profile and he was wearing what can only described as a hoodie without the hood, jeans and jogger-type casual shoes.


His hands in his pockets gave the wrong impression. It said to me 'I don't want to be here'.


But I decided to make the best of the situation so we grabbed a table and quickly ordered our respective drinks.

But even hard liquor didn't help us.

Conversation was boring. That's all I can say about it. I was the one making the effort, he was like a small child who'd gotten in trouble and was sitting in the corner not talking to anyone.

And when he did say something, it would be to do with what we'd messaged about. He couldn't think of anything else he wanted to know.

I had the feeling this guy didn't get out much and I was right. It was almost like he'd forgotten how to talk to a girl.

So we ordered some tapas and had more drinks but one-and-a-half hours in, I went to the bathroom and started messaging friends about how I could make my quick exit!

I went back, lasted another half an hour before asking for the bill when there was a lull (read: awkward silence) in the conversation.

He offered to pay, which was nice, and we quickly said our goodbyes out the front of the restaurant.

I think we both knew it wasn't going to work so there wasn't any of the usual 'thanks for the date, we'll have to do it again sometime' lie.

There wasn't.

We talked about our weekend plans, then went our separate ways.

Turns out we'd both caught the train in but luckily it was to different stations.

Can you imagine how awkward it would have been if we were both sitting on the platform waiting for our trains to arrive???!!

Thank goodness it didn't come to that.

Oh well, got the first Tinder date under my belt. Let's hope the next one is a little better.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

I've Joined Tinder!

So I finally joined the Tinder revolution!

I'd been thinking about it for a few weeks and one Sunday night I decided to do it.

It's relatively easy - it's connected to Facebook so all you need to do is choose which Facebook pics you'll use, what age group you're searching for and what kilometre radius you want the guys.

The second guy I was chatting to was pretty forthcoming about what he was looking for.

His reply?
Him: what do u want from this
Me: that's a bit forward, I'm not after a one night stand if that's what you mean?
Him: your no good to me then

Wow. Glad we sorted that out. So you're what people warned me about.

Others had the whole 'hi, how are you' while I tried starting with 'I'm new to this, how's it been for you' kinda thing.

I hate nothing more than someone asking me a lame question about how my day was! 

Photos range from the vague, to the typical bathroom selfies, ones with them and their dogs and of course the tighty whitey ones.

I mean, if you're putting those sorts of photos out there I guess you're going to attract those sorts of people, right?

Tinder is different from other online dating sites. You take the person on face value; if you don't like their photos you swipe one way, if you like them, you swipe the other. If you've both 'liked' each other, Tinder messages you both and lets you know you are a match. Then you're free to start messaging through the app.

I've heard Tinder referred to as 'tindering' and 'tinderella'!

The guys on Tinder (well, the ones I've come across) generally don't write a spiel to go with their pics. You'll know their name, age and how many kms away they are.  

This is a sign of our times - how cut-throat things can be and how we're such a "now" generation. And Tinder is good for this - a simple swipe and you could start chatting to someone you may never have met.

I did come across a couple of guys I went on dates with last year, ones I met through another site. They had the same spiel from before. Think they're missing the point of Tinder.

It's all about the attraction you have with someone, purely by looking at their photo on your phone. Noone wants to read about your hopes and dreams and what you're looking for in a partner...that comes later.

Stay tuned for my first Tinder date...

Monday, March 3, 2014

Back from my self-imposed hiatus

Well hello!
It's been 6 months since I last posted anything. Mainly because I stopped online dating all together and it's hard to write a blog that's called Diary of An Online Dater when I'm not actually online. Or dating.

But alas, I went out on the weekend with a couple of new friends and got talking to a guy who suggested I write again.

Then a friend said I should get back to it too so I figured I'd give it a go.

I haven't actually been on any dates since I pulled my profile down in October. I miss it. It's nice to get dressed up, but to actually get dressed up for someone is a different story.

If you remember my worst date ever story last year it's made me a little wary and perhaps one of the reasons why I don't get guys' numbers anymore. But I should.

I'll tell you why.

This guy I mentioned from the weekend was talking to me about what I did. I explained I'm a former journalist now working in marketing. "Don't all journalists end up in PR or marketing?" he says.

Well, yes, they kinda do.

He asked if I had a blog after I mentioned I missed being a journalist. I said yes, I was writing a blog when I was doing online dating.

Then I re-hashed the worst date ever and he suggested I should keep up with my blog.

We had a nice chat. He had joined Tinder 2 weeks ago and he and his mate (who had a girlfriend) were out having a few beers and flicking through the girls on the dating app. 

I asked him how many second dates he'd had and he'd been on a couple of first dates. Then he confessed he didn't like to make the first move so when he had matches, he just let them sit there.

"But isn't that the point - when you both swipe yes, you're matched? Don't you want to follow it up?" I ask, intrigued.

He admitted it was an ego boost to see how many matches he had.
I was shaking my head not understanding. 

"I would have thought when you'd both come to this point where you were looking for love online, you'd both be serious?".

For someone who is so shy, he sure is putting himself out there. He was also on another online dating site.

We chatted about everything from tattoos on girls (yay or nay?), where we'd travelled overseas to where we went to school to his love of motorbikes and my apparent judgmental responses.

To which I replied "all girls are judgemental on the inside!".

When I realised I'd neglected my friends (we were talking in a booth) I went back to the group and one of my friends told me they'd given his mate my number to give to him.

Apparently my guy was shy.

I figured his mate would give him my number, then he'd get in contact.

But it's been two days and nothing.

I have Googled searched like there's no tomorrow. Scrolled through Facebook, even looked on LinkedIn and tried to go back through old school records to find this guy's last name.

But nothing. It's pretty hard to search the world wide web with just a first name, name of the school they went to and a brief description of what they do for a living.

 And I may, or may not have rung up his school to find out his name...

I Guess I gave too much credit to the impression I left with him. I thought our chat would have prompted him to contact me, but I guess the moral of the story for me is to get the guy's phone number next time?

I'm just not sure whether it's better to send a text and not get a response or not get his number in the first place...and kick myself.