You Date Me, You Date My Cat

As I sit here on the last day of 2019 I reflect on my year of online dating.

I'm not gonna lie, it's been the worst in six years I've been online dating. I'm not sure if I just don't have the patience anymore or whether the guys are just not putting any effort into getting to know me.

But either way, I've had enough.

A recent date told me cats were a deal breaker for him. We hadn't met yet and I found this out the night before. I told him I have a cat and that seemed to be an issue for him.

Now I know not everyone likes cats (that's fine) but I would never expect someone to say it's a deal breaker. Deal breakers for me are ex husbands/wives/girlfriends/boyfriends, someone who does drugs, has been in jail. You get the drift.

But a cat?

My first thought was no wonder this guys is in his late 30s and is still single if he considers a cat a deal breaker.

He was telling me he didn't like anyone touching his feet and didn't want a cat to bite his feet...ummmm...okay.

Going against my better judgement (which never works) I met up with him and immediately wished I hadn't.

It was clear he hadn't even showered after work and was still wearing his suit. Not in a sexy 'he's wearing a suit for the date' kind of way. He was too lazy to put any effort in.

He had plenty of time to shower too - where we met was within walking distance for him (where I had to pay a $35 Uber fare).

He was trying to be funny and wasn't. I felt uncomfortable and the whole time was trying to think of an out.

More than an hour in I go to the bathroom, check my phone for messages and decide now is the time to lie to get out of here.

I go back to the table and say I'd had a call from my neighbour who'd had a bad day and I had to get home to see how she was doing.

I felt a little bad about the lie, but I just had to get out of there.

This guy obviously didn't pick up what I was putting down because when we were saying goodbye he asked for a kiss. Luckily I thought on my feet and said I don't kiss on the first date (another lie).

My Uber was 1 min away so I jumped in, he left and that was that.

That's the last time I go on a date with someone who thinks cats are a deal breaker.

So goodbye 2019 and all the terrible dates I've been on. Ironically, I've been on less dates this year than past years, but the ones I've had have not been worth my time.

Here's to 2020 and meeting some better quality men (who like cats!).

Breakup Letter to eHarmony

Dear eHarmony
You were like my best friend. You were there for me when I was sad and feeling lonely. You gave me some great guys to look at and let me imagine what it would like to have a life with them.

The first time we met you matched me with a really great guy, first up. We chatted for weeks before eventually meeting and the chemistry was instant.

I thanked you for introducing us. I would not have met him in the real world otherwise.

You taught me you had to be in it to win it. I get that. Throw your hat in the ring. Take a leap of faith. I could go on and on.

Thing is, I wasn't taking a chance on the guy, I was taking a chance on you.

I left it up to you to match me with a great guy. Did we enjoy the same movies? Did we like going away for the weekend or heading away for a day's adventure. Or could we both just relax on the couch talking about our day?

Well the first time around you did great. 10/10.

But as the cracks slowly started to show I began doubting our friendship. I thought you had my best interest at heart? Didn't you want me to be happy?

I was, but after nine months I called it quits.

I needed some time and distance from you. I wasn't ready to face you just yet.

But 12 months after my boyfriend and I broke up, I was ready. Or at least I thought I was.

I was ready for all those great guys you were going to introduce me to. The ones I'd have awesome dates with and would tell to my friends about.

I had high expectations for you. For us.

But it was not to be. You didn't remember the types of guys I liked - the photos I was attracted to or the profiles that made me smile or laugh.

I did give you a chance. I went on four or five dates with guys you thought I'd like but it didn't work out.

Seems like you have lost your mojo. Or maybe my heart just wasn't in it?

Either way, this is the last you will be hearing from me. Take care eHarmony and remember it's not me, it's you.

Dear Saturday Night Date...

Dear Saturday night date
Can I please have my four hours back?

I had high hopes for you, I'm not gonna lie.

We'd been chatting for a few days and we both thought it's better to meet up sooner rather than later so we organised a date.

I was keen - our banter was great and we seemed to share the same sense of humour via text message. And that's no mean feat.

Although meeting in real life (or IRL as the kids call it) I was worried I wouldn't find you attractive so I went in with an open mind.

When you turned up I was pleasantly surprised, but also didn't feel that spark I'm looking for.

And as Marie Kondo says, we need to spark joy.

One drink turned into several and before you know it, we'd moved to another venue and the drinks and conversation continue to flow.

This gave me hope you were enjoying yourself.

By this time, four hours had passed and I suggested we grab some food. You had other ideas, announcing you were going to go home and asked me if that was okay, like my answer would have changed your mind anyway.

We swiftly made a bee line for our perspective Ubers (how 2019) and you gave me an awkward hug and said 'all the best meeting you, not on a second date though'.

Ummm, what did you just say???

I was in total shock I didn't react the way I wanted to so I am telling you know.

Why did I just waste four hours of my Saturday night when clearly you just weren't that into me.

Couldn't you have decided this in the first drink, in the first hour?

How does it take someone FOUR HOURS to decide they don't want to be there?

Funny thing is, we'd joked a few times about how long we usually stay out if we're not into them (consensus was two hours).

I even chatted to a woman at the bar and mentioned I was on a first date and she said if I needed an out I could join her and her friends (love the sistahood!).

I went back and told you (you thought it was funny) and we continued to stay out, obviously past your bedtime.

Look, I get it. You're just not into me.

I don't have any issues with that but I do with the fact we were out for FOUR HOURS and you wasted my time.

Whether you realise or not, you gave me false hope we would catch up again and I'm telling you now there's no way I'd stay out for four hours if I didn't think there would be a second date.

I've been wracking my brain to think of what I did to make you run like you did.

But you know what, this had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you.

Next time you're on an eHarmony date, figure out what you before you meet the girl, because she doesn't need to be dragged into a marathon date for no reason.

For the record, this is the first time in my five-ish years of online dating anyone has told me there wouldn't be a second date, while still being on the first.

And finally, I looked damn hot and felt confident. Buddy, you're the one missing out.