Honesty is not always the best policy

I'm the first to tell a white lie, especially if you can spare someone's feelings in the process.

I had a first date recently and a second was on the cards - in fact it was locked in for one particular Sunday at 11am.

He'd suggested lawn bowls (it was in my bio) and I was very much looking forward to a game or two.

Hadn't played in 18 months and it's a rare sport (?!) that I'm quite good at.

We'd been messaging up until 7.15pm on the Friday night - everything was in place for the Sunday.

I received a text at 4.15pm on the Saturday which started with "Hey Barbara, I'm really sorry but..."

I didn't really need to read anymore, no texts starting like that end well.

The guy then proceeds to tell me he had a date last night and it's actually still going (like even he's surprised) and this was the first chance he'd had to message me.

He didn't plan this, thanks for my understanding (um...no, mate) and being amazing.

Look, yes I'm a great catch but spending four hours with me on a first date wouldn't have been long enough for him to see how "amazing" I was.

He said all this to make HIMSELF feel better. Not me.

I stopped myself from replying I wasn't understanding, but instead I said that's disappointing but I guess (?) thanks for being honest.

Look, I get he liked someone better than me.

That's not the issue I have here.

He didn't need to spell out he'd been on a date for the past 12+ hours (presumably they spent the night together).

We'd been messaging up until 7.15pm that night so he's messaged me planning the Sunday date before he went on another date.

I just think it was a dick move.

I've received a lot of questionable messages over my 8+ years of online dating and sharing my stories here.

Have to admit, this one hit for a six.

I was really sad and depleted the rest of the afternoon and even found myself heading to bed at 9.15pm on a Saturday night. I don't even go to bed that early on a school night!

I would have preferred he messaged me saying he'd enjoyed our first date but didn't see things going any further and wished me well.

I've said that before and will continue to let people down easily.

Afterall honesty is not always the best policy.

Jumping off the dating carousel

In case you are wondering - I did end up messaging that guy I talked about last time.

And as predicted, he wasn't looking for anything serious. In fact he was so happy with how his life was (at age 44) it didn't seem like he'd make any changes for anyone.

Or at least not me.

Either way, I wasn't hanging around for the chance he might change his mind.

I just wish he was honest and said look I've been enjoying spending time with you too, but I'm not looking for anything long-term and you deserve someone who can give you what you want.

Instead I got a long-winded reply that didn't say a lot.

Said he was time poor and was enjoying not having any pressure on himself "in this part of his life."

He feels expectations that are pedetermined are a recipe for disappointment as continuing relationships can be a test at the best of times.

Didn't sound like a guy ready to start a relationship.

I guess I was foolish to think he would tell me what I needed to hear and that was he liked me, but didn't like me.

Whatever this "thing" we had was, it wasn't serving me and I didn't need it in my life anymore.

I do find myself with more time now, not wondering if/when I'm going to see him.

I have absolute clarity my emotions aren't being toyed with by this guy anymore.

It's a good feeling.

Until I realise I'm back on the dating carousel wondering when I'm going to jump off for the last time.

Knowing your worth

I was talking to a friend on the phone tonight and I realised something I've known for awhile, but didn't want to admit.

I was telling her how I feel when I spend time with this guy I've been seeing (casually).

I explained when we do see each other it's amazing and all the other problems fade into the background.

I don't pretend to be anyone else - in fact I'm probably at my most comfortable with him and it's a pretty damn good feeling.

But that's only 5% of the time.

The other 95% is shit.

When he leaves, I don't know when I'm going to see him again, or even hear from him.

You see, he has a history of taking at least 24 hours to respond to a text from me.

And don't even get me started on him texting first.

I've been tossing up whether - and when - I'm going to talk to him about how I'm feeling for months now.

But then we see each other - have such a great time and my mind goes foggy with short-term memory loss.

But it's clearer tonight than it has been for months.

I'm putting my future long-term happiness in jeopardy for a short-term gain.

I was hoping by now it would have paid off.

But we know it rarely does.

So I have two options:

1. Wait until I hear from this guy again to organise a face-to-face catchup and tell him in person - keeping in mind it's likely to be a number of weeks

2. Sleep on it for a few nights and carefully craft a message to him

I know in my gut it's going to be option 2.

For a number of reasons.

I can't wait that long - who knows when I'll actually hear from him?

Secondly, my dad has always said there's three types of people.

Those who watch things happen.

Those who make things happen.

And those who wondered what the hell just happened.

Now I've always been in the second category.

I don't wait around for things to change - I get out there and make the change myself.

Whether that's moving cities because things just weren't working or quitting a job because I no longer found joy in it.

The only difference this time is it's taken me a number of months to see what's right in front of me.

I deserve so much better than this.

Dating profile fails

Let me start off by telling you how disillusioned I am about online dating.

Keep in mind I've been writing this blog for more than eight years so it's fair to say I'm qualified on the subject.

1 January 2022 ticked over and I vowed to re-join Bumble.

I'd read the first Sunday in January - called Dating Sunday - was the busiest day of the year for swiping so I figured you gotta be in it to win it.

However, seven days in and I'm already re-thinking my decision of putting myself back out there for another year of disappointment.

I've been bombarding a friend with screenshots of the ridiculous and downright bizarre things guys are looking for (at least writing in their profiles).

I am a sane, single, 41-year-old woman living in Brisbane looking for a long-term relationship.

But being faced with these laughable excuses for profiles (and potential suitors) I am not feeling optimistic with the start to 2022.

I need to get one thing straight.

I'm not looking for my better half or other half. I take offence to that.

I am already whole and don't need anybody else to complete me.

What I am looking for is an intellectual equal, who's nice, treats me well, has things in common with and can add to my already great life.

Let me give you a glimpse into what I am dealing with.

Here are some excerpts from profiles (what people are looking for in a partner):

• Making fun of stupid people
• Bitter sarcasm
• Listening to sad songs
• Taking my meds so the thing doesn't happen
• Staying on the wagon
• Anti-vaxxers - I'm hoping you aren't vaccinated. Red flag right there
• Not vanilla
• ENM/poly
• Looking for sensual adventures and more
• No jackhammering at this locale
• Looks are important, conversation is great, but it really is banter that lets panties run free

This my friends, is how my first seven days of 2022 played out.

Lord, give me strength.