I have become a better person.
There, I said it. And you know what? I believe it too.
My recent breakup has helped me look at myself as well as who I was in the relationship and the reality was I didn't always like who that person was.
I think along the way my ex and I somehow lost who we were, individually, but also as a couple.
We started out great - fantastic actually. The amount of things we had in common was just the beginning. We both made each other laugh (a very important part of a relationship), found the humour in situations and enjoyed getting to know one another.
But, somehow, over those nine months we lost who we were. How did this happen? Why did this happen? I can't answer that.
Perhaps we went from 0-100 in a very short time (a thought I've had for awhile) and skipped those early stages and went straight to the married couple part?
Even though I've had plenty of time to think about it, I don't think I will ever really know what went wrong.
But since the breakup I've given a lot of thought to my part in it all. I wasn't an innocent bystander, by any means and I think up until the last few days I haven't wanted to own that.
An old friend of mine used to say denial isn't a river in Africa. I'm no longer in denial about my actions and I'm hoping this revelation will make it easier for me not to make the same mistakes again.
You can't change something until you realise it needs changing.
Remember, I can only own my part in the relationship breakdown.
Somehow I became "that" person. You know the one - telling someone they shouldn't eat this or drink that. It was like I had made the plans and he just had to follow. He didn't get any say.
Nobody likes being told what to do, least of all, me. Actually, I hate it.
So my resolution for my next relationship is not to make the same mistakes again (pretty obvious, huh?).
If I'd gone through this in my 20s (I've mentioned before about being in a serious relationship at 37) I would have learnt many relationship lessons and the guy now would reap the rewards.
Instead, the poor bugger was on this unfamiliar journey with me.
As a side note, I'm not in any way forgiving my ex's behaviour. In particular, what I would and wouldn't compromise on, which I have discussed before. These things still remain true.
I'm simply acknowledging my part in the relationship and what I need to do for the demise not to happen again.
Adulting really is hard some days.
