Friday, April 24, 2015

The One That Got Away

There's an unspoken rule in online dating about not mentioning to your date about the other guys or girls you are talking to at the same time as them.

But there in lies a harsh reality when you find out or realise you're just one of a number of girls the guy is "dating".

Unfortunately it's the nature of the beast in this line of meeting people, but that doesn't mean you have to like it.

I've always been a one-man woman and found it hard talking to more than one guy at time here in the online dating world. But you've gotta be in it to win it. Don't get me wrong, all I was doing was messaging the guys and eventually going on dates with them. I wasn't getting serious with more than one guy at a time.

I think that's why a recent date cancellation hit me really hard. I'd had a really successful first date with this (younger) guy - we'd met mid week (which I don't usually do) and stayed out until way past Cinderella's bedtime.

I didn't care how late we were, even after I copped an $80 fine to get my car out of a secure parking lot after it had closed. The date, and guy, were worth it.

Plans were quickly made for a second date but it all went downhill when he cancelled a few hours before we were supposed to meet.

No big deal, you say. You'll just catch up another time, you say. Chill out, don't worry about it, you say.

Well, I didn't say any of that and it's really hard for me to be blasé about finding a guy. I'm 34 years old and the more time I spend single, the less time I have being with someone.

So, instead of taking the cancellation like an adult, I acted like a child.

I think one of the biggest problems I have is putting more emphasis on the second date.

I've often been asked if I'm nervous or excited as I'm about to meet another new guy for the first time. No, I say. I'm not that excited. Which sounds harsh. But let me explain.

I've been on a few dates of late and with each guy, you go through the motions of telling them about yourself, asking about them and and all the while hoping their answers are going to be interesting enough for you to want to meet up with them. Not to mention there's got to be chemistry and plenty of that I had with this guy.

Now I don't message guys if my end game isn't meeting up with them. It's all well and good to click with someone online, but you need to see if it transcends into real life.

The second date is so much better than the first. I probably have more excitement because I've spent a few hours with this person already and liked what I saw.

You're more comfortable around them, yet still not 100% sure where this thing is going, but that's part of the fun. Afterall, dating is supposed to be fun!

But let me go back to the guy who cancelled. In hindsight I can't change how I reacted to the news - 'cause let's face it, no one likes to be cancelled on. But I think the real reason I was so upset was because I thought I'd left a good enough impression with him that he'd want to see me again. And him cancelling told me I hadn't.

Even though he explained he was staying at home to help his flatmate fix the fence to keep his new dog in (which was quite admirable), all I heard was something more important had come up.

But what you have to remember is, these guys don't owe you anything. Yeah you've had a great date for a few hours one night, but as far as you know, you're just one of a few (many?) they are romancing (but you hope not!).

If I could do things differently, I would have calmed down and not overreacted so badly. I would have rescheduled the date and who knows, I could be sailing through to my third date, or god forbid, my fourth right about now.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Breaking The Third Date Curse!

You can image my excitement as I successfully past the second date with the latest guy I was dating - a chef.

We sailed through the first date - a nice, casual meet up where we had a few drinks and some burgers. No pressure. No awkward silences. We had plenty to talk about and was already looking forward to the second date.

In the past, at the end of a first date I never mention anything about our second one. I may bring it up in conversation during the night, but when it comes to that awkward goodbye, I seem to freeze and can't speak.

But this time I wanted the guy to know I'd had fun and would love to see him again. He seemed to jump at the thought of another date. He was almost relieved I'd spoken first. Like he had the words ready to burst out but wasn't game to say anything.

Phew, she made the first move!

He sent me a text message after I'd arrived home saying he'd had a good time, was lovely to meet me and he was keen to catch up again.

Big brownie points.

We messaged over the weekend and organised date #2. We went ten pin bowling (at my suggestion) and it was great. We then walked to South Bank for some food and ended up along the waterfront where we made out for awhile before we went home.

He had the next day off and was keen to catch up so we locked in date #3. I was secretly excited, but also a little hesitant as I wasn't quite sure it was happening (don't count your chickens and all that).

I'd had two good dates in four days and I was on the brink of breaking my date #3 curse.

The morning of date #3 I was looking forward to seeing the guy again, but I was also hesitant. My friends kept asking if I was excited (was I?) but I downplayed it saying it was a casual catch up; I was going to his house for a couple of hours before he went to play futsal.

I must have had an inkling something was wrong because from the moment I arrived at his house, he was jumpy. I felt uncomfortable as I sat on the couch as he sat what seemed like a person's width away.

His mind was elsewhere. He kept jumping off the couch and decided to cook some spaghetti. We watched trashy game shows on tv while we tried to make small talk (hadn't we gotten past that??).

He offered me some spaghetti and we both ate in silence as time ticked away. I was aware he had to leave in 10 mins and we hadn't really even kissed properly since I arrived. Something was going on I didn't know about. He was having second thoughts.

He announces he has to go, we kiss briefly, he walks me out - he to jump on his push bike and me to go to my car.

I sat in my car for a good few minutes wondering what happened. Yes, I'd reached the elusive third date, but at the same time, it didn't feel like a "date".

I was second guessing myself the whole time, wondering what was going on and why he was so awkward. I thought by the third date we would have been more comfortable around each other.

His parting words to me were he would message when he got home.

I guess he didn't specify which day he was referring to because hours turned into a day, then two and I still hadn't heard from him.

Something was definitely up. I message him (surprise, surprise) and no reply. Still nothing the next day. Finally that night he replies apologising saying he'd been really busy at work, blah blah blah.

All I'm hearing (or reading) is this guy's not into me. If he was, he would have sent me a message the night he got home from futsal. End of story.

I messaged back and asked what was happening. If he wasn't interested, let me know. I decided it was something he had to sort out and it wasn't anything I'd done.

Funny how a straight forward message like that gets a reply in 30 minutes.

To his credit, he sent a big, long explanation about how he'd been really busy at work (who isn't?) and he thought he could juggle a busy work schedule and a girl, but he couldn't. He was sorry for wasting my time and I was a great girl.

Next!

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Being Unforgettable in a Forgettable World

You may remember a previous post of mine about meeting the old fashioned way.

I'd gone out with friends for a few drinks and got chatting to a guy, he asked for my number, I gave it to him, he text the next day, we had a date. Then another. Then I didn't hear from him again.

Story of my life really.

Until yesterday. The guy sent me a 'kiss' on RSVP saying he'd like to get to know me. I wasn't sure if he was pulling my leg or not, but I humoured him and said I'd like to hear from him.

Today he sends a message saying hi my name is  *****. How is your week going? Clearly he had no idea who I was and doesn't remember our dates.

Ummm, how could he forget our first date? We had that very awkward taxi moment where he went in for a kiss just as I ducked to get into a taxi...

Great, I'm that chick. The one who is forgettable. I get he might not remember my name, but I'd like to think once he looked at my photos it would all come back to him. But no.

I told a couple of work mates my predicament and they came up with a great idea. It'd been almost 12 months since we'd last seen each other, it takes 9 months for a baby......I could let him know I had a three-month-old who wanted to meet its daddy!

Another colleague also suggested I send him through (a random) photo of a baby! The idea did make me laugh, however we never even kissed, let alone slept together. But hey, if the guy can't remember me, is he going to remember if we'd slept together??

So instead, I replied with Hi I'm Barbara. I get the feeling we've met before......
He replied: Hi Barbra, I get that alot latley. 

(Good thing he can spell my name right, or just spell in general).

So I refreshed his memory. Said we'd been on a few dates, he lived down the road from a well know drinking spot, he liked to go to the movies during working hours and I helped celebrate a friend of his' 40th birthday.

That jogged his memory. Then he tried to tell me he was sick (last time I heard from him) and he quit his job soon after and they took his mobile and credit card off him and he didn't back up his contacts properly.

That's all well and good, but he still had a phone, and my number, the last time we messaged.

But that's all water under the bridge.

I'll keep replying to his messages for as long as he sends them.

But I'm not making any promises. I'm still simultaneously talking to about four or five other guys so I'll keep them all at bay. It's a numbers game afterall :)

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Resilience is the key

During my somewhat short stint online dating, I've heard my fair share of excuses from guys.

It's not you, it's me has been one. Another guy decided he didn't want to go off his "12 week eating plan" for, god forbid, a drink or two and some food with me. I called him out on it and said if he'd really wanted to meet for "just coffee" we could have.

Another guy decided to share with me a rather big deal breaker, but not until after I'd invested more than two-and-a-half weeks messaging the guy, sending texts and talking on the phone endlessly.

We met for the first time at the airport (kind of romantic, no?). I picked him up and our first date was riding along the river in Brisbane on the Lipton Ice Tea  push bikes.

It was fun, like all good first dates should be. We didn't talk about the big ticket items (marriage, exes and children) and I thought things were on track.

We followed up with a second date the following night - an innocent dinner and movie date. We even had a drink and strolled along the river before he hit me with his deal breaker.

He had unrealistic, selfish, sexual expectations that he thought were deal breakers in his relationships. Hell, he felt he deserved it and he didn't feel what he was asking for was unreasonable.

I, however, wasn't willing to play ball and the past two-and-a-half weeks slipped away about as quickly as they started.

But this got me thinking...do guys actually believe they can have it all in one little package? They want a woman who respects herself, can hold an intelligent conversation, is hot and has her own opinions on things, but when the sun goes down she's gotta be this vixen in the bedroom.

But back to my date. I decided we'd got our separate ways that night and by this, I mean I left him with his wallet and phone and little else. I drove home and he got a taxi.

This is what tipped him over the edge. I was leaving him in the "middle of nowhere" (ummm, it's an inner city suburb dude, you're not going to be mugged) and he "looked after dinner the last two nights".

Don't even try that one on me. I picked him up from the airport which would have saved him about $70-$80 and I bought our movie tickets and candy bar snacks.

Don't lower the tone of our date to your level just because you weren't happy with my reaction to your "deal breaker".

The thing which gets me through all these crazy reasons/excuses/deal breakers is resilience. I was never one to bounce back so quickly after rejection but I do now.

This is my second time on the online dating website RSVP and I've taken a different direction. I don't give out my number first anymore. The guy has to give me his first and I'm no longer the first one to suggest a catch up.

I can at least pretend there is a little chivalry left.

So even if the guy doesn't respond to my last text asking when he's free to come to dinner at my house next week, or if he doesn't let me know if he wants to go to the movies, I just think, he's not the right one for me.

The right one will reply to my messages, I won't have to worry if he likes me and wants to spend time with me or not.

It will just happen and I will just know. But until then, I will continue to bounce back after the ridiculous excuses guys give me.

But I'll leave you with one last gem. I'd been on two dates in two weeks with this guy. Thought the last time we saw each other things went well. However after a few days went by and he still wasn't replying to my messages I decided to take the matter into my own hands.

After extensive consultation with my friends (!!!) I decide to confront him. Well, sort of. I constructed this perfectly well written message which asked if everything was okay, was hoping to catch up with him again, but if he wasn't keen, to let me know. 

Surprisingly, he replied about half and hour later with this big explanation (read: excuse) about how his working hours had changed to nights, things were moving too fast and he realised "that wasn't me at the moment". He ended it with a compliment (sort of) saying he thought I was hot inside and out and he really did get on with me, but he (insert his name, third person-style) wasn't ready.

I replied saying I didn't see that coming, thought we'd both enjoyed each other's company and sorry if he thought a third date was rushing things. I did thank him for his honesty.

But I bounced back, picked myself up again and went on a date with another guy who'd shown interest in me.

It is a numbers game afterall. I've just got to wait until I get to 1.