Saturday, August 23, 2014

It's Not Me, It's You

I've come so close to the elusive date #3 I've started to blame myself for not reaching the milestone.

But after some self reflection, and chats with friends, I've decided it's not me, it's them.

And here's why.

I am engaging in my text message (lord knows I ask them enough about themselves), I mean what I say and I'm pretty upfront about wanting to meet them in person.

I like to believe I am the same in person as I am in text. I don't pretend to be something, or someone, I'm not.

I'm not sure if I've been on too many first dates (is there such a thing?) but I know what I want and I'm a good judge of character and usually know within the first half hour to an hour if I like the guy and want to see them again.

I recently went on a first day with a chap from the UK. He was a very good texter. Would reply just about immediately and would answer my myriad of questions and was happy to fire some back at me (tick).

He gave me his number the first night we started chatting through Plenty of Fish. It was the quickest I'd been given a number. We soon moved to the app WhatsApp which shows you the last time the person was online and if they read your messages.

We were messaging everyday and he was the first to suggest a face-to-face which was a nice change because it's always me taking the leap of faith.

So we meet for drinks and hallelujah, he actually looks better than his photos! There's a first for everything. He hugs me and it's like we're old friends meeting for a drink.

Conversation flows easily, there aren't any awkward silences and there are plenty of hints of a date #2. Four-and-a-half hours later we call it a night, he walks me to the taxi, hugs me goodbye and heads home.

I'm in the taxi two minutes and he's texted me saying it was nice to meet me and he looked forward to seeing me again.

Finally, a guy who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to tell you.

Messages go back and forth and we both admit we'd had a good date and wanted to see each other again.

A few days later when we're messaging he asks when he can see me again? Ummm, how about Saturday night?

Not wanting to get caught in the "just drinks" date, he decides we'll head to the Sit Down Comedy Club at the Paddo Tavern in Brisbane. Sounds good. Secretly I was pleased 1) he'd made a decision and 2) he was being proactive about seeing me again. Tick, tick.

Was this too good to be true? Sadly, yes.

So Saturday rolls around and we're meeting at 6.30pm for a drink and quick dinner before a 8pm show. He arrived first and had a drink waiting for me (tick). The comedy show was great, really funny, albeit with a few awkward comments you don't want to hear on a date.

Afterwards we head to a bar for some drinks and before we know it, it's 12.50am and I have to rescue my car (yes, I'd driven) before it's locked in the carpark at 1am.

We both hot foot it out of the bar, rushing to get there before the carpark closes. I'd offered to drop him home (10 mins away) and assumed he'd said yes.

As I'm pushing the button for the lift he's hugging me and saying goodbye. WTF? Goodbye, aren't I dropping you home, I ask?

Nah, I'll just walk.

By this time the lift doors had opened and closed and I had to push the button again. The lift arrives, I look at the guy quizzically and he says bye and starts walking away as the doors close.

I'm standing in the lift wondering what the f**k just happened and at the same time getting flashbacks of my ill-fated "taxi incident" a few months back.

But hang on, this time it wasn't my fault.

I find my car, leave the carpark and on the drive home I get a message from the guy saying thanks for a good night.

I reply when I got home saying you're welcome, hope everything is okay as you left pretty abruptly.

What ensues is an hour+ texting session about how he thought I wasn't interested in him, I was, but was waiting for him to make the first move blah blah blah.

I'd given him a small present earlier in the night - a key ring which doubled as a bottle opener. I'd been at SeaWorld the day before and thought of him and bought the present.

That alone should tell the guy I like him - I don't buy presents for guys on the second date (who am I kidding - I don't buy presents because, chances are, I don't get past the first date!)

I'd also made a passing comment about if my date lasted until midnight, that was a good sign.

I was getting my car at 1am.....this was a good sign.

Anyway, let's fast forward to the next day and the texting is quite forced; he's reading my messages, but taking hours to reply (this was unusual).

We tentatively make plans to catch up on Tuesday, but he messages me about lunchtime that day asking if we can change it to Wednesday night?

Sorry, I can't, I reply. I have plans Wednesday and Thursday, but when are you free, I ask

He replies he's had a chaotic week and to be honest he doesn't know when he'll have time.

Okay, that's a slap in the face. Fair enough he's busy, but if he really wanted to see me, he would.

The next night he messages at 1.30am saying he's had a random night out, got talking to a girl from his hometown in the UK and they ended up going to karaoke together.

Congratulations. For a guy who's just so busy, you sure know how to make time for a total stranger and then you go and tell the girl you've been on a couple of dates with, about it. Nice going, mate.

Needless to say I've deleted his number and won't reply to anymore messages. Not that I'm expecting any though.

And you know what mate? This time it's all you, not me. I am worth somebody going to the trouble of sticking to plans for date #3.

Good luck finding a girl who doesn't think so.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Upping the Ante on a First Date

I've managed to go on a date and be rejected within three days. Quite a mean feat actually and a first for me.

My last post explored the extent of how boring my dates had become. But alas, I had organised a ghost tour of a former gaol to bring back the excitement in a first date.

The guy turned up at my place with a bottle of vodka. I was freaking out our pre-ghost-tour-drinks had turned in an awkward let's-sit-on-the-couch-get-to-know-you-kinda-night. But thankfully he was just giving me the alcohol to say thanks for organising the date.

Tick.

We then walk to a little cute bar not far from my place and we get about 100m from the entrance and he starts feeling his jeans pockets. Oh no, he says. He continue to feel his pockets. Shit!

'What's wrong?', I ask.
'I think I've left my wallet in the car', he replies.

This poor guy is freaking out and was so embarrassed. After a few minutes we decide to swing past my place on the way to the ghost tour.

I get the first 'round of drinks, which that was okay. He'd bought me a $40 bottle of vodka; I didn't think this guy was taking me for a ride.

While we sip our drinks, he manages to confuse me with another girl he'd obviously been chatting to on Plenty of Fish. He was re-telling stories I'd already heard and was asking me questions about my family which didn't apply to me.

I wasn't offended. This is just one of those things that can happen when you chat to more than one person when you're online dating. The trick is to remember what you've told each one.

It's soon time for us to head to the ghost tour (and pick up said wallet on the way) and I'm ready for some fun.

Plus, a ghost tour is the perfect opportunity/excuse to hold hands!

Almost two hours later we leave the gaol a little nervous, excited and ready for some more drinks. I don't think either of us thought it would go for so long. We didn't have much chance to talk during the tour and my date was dying to go to the toilet!

I'd never met anyone who went to the toilet as much as I did - and especially not any guys.

I'd chatted to this guy for about two weeks before meeting in person and it was actually refreshing to meet someone who had almost as many bad first-date stories as I did.

So we spent the next few hours swapping stories about who had the worst time at online dating.

Things were becoming more comfortable as the hours passed.

It was good because we weren't getting into the heavy duty first date stuff (which I was trying to avoid).

This guy had made an effort clothes-wise as well. He had nice dress shoes on, jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. And he smelt good.

He paid for drinks, I paid for some. He picked up the taxi bills, I shared some.

It was a very 21st Century date and that was good.

It was getting close to 2am when we decided to call it a night. I'd had fun, thought he had and was secretly planning our second date.

Although it was never talked about that night (red flag??), we had mentioned it in our texts.

So the next day I send the guy a message asking how his surf was, just general chit-chat. He replied, but was very non-committal.

He was heading out that night with mates so there weren't many messages.

I got a bit of radio silence the next day and decided to message saying I'd had a really good date and hoped to see him again and just wanted to check we were on the same page?

Same page? Don't even think we were reading the same book.
He doesn't reply that night (another red flag) and decides 9.30am Monday morning is the best time to break it to me gently.

I'm at work. Reading this rejection message. Ummmm, not cool.

He said he enjoyed Friday night and I was a great girl but didn't think there was enough to start a relationship. He apologised for breaking it to me like this but said I deserved to know.

I was numb reading the message. How could I have gotten the signals so wrong?

And why did he have to be so specific about why he didn't want to see me again. A thanks, but not thanks would have sufficed.

I know a lot of you are thinking it's good that he was honest but I don't want that kind of honesty after a first date. Because what he told me was personal and I took it personally. The whole it's not me, it's you, certainly applied to me in this case.

So the dating circle begins again. Here I go again messaging another guy and deciding what I will and won't tell him about me.

This really is like a second job. Good thing I love sharing it with you all!

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Boring First Dates

I think we can all agree I've had my fair share of first dates (afterall, that's what this blog is essentially about, right?) but I am over the boring topics I find myself talking to these guys about.

I joined Plenty of Fish recently and had my first date within four days. It sounded good in theory, but I'd only been chatting to the guy for a couple of days before he asked to catch up.

I thought why not? I'll try something I don't normally do - usually I chat for about a week before broaching the subject of a meet up.

I ended up driving to the date (which is generally a big no-no for me) because he lived 45 minutes out of town and was driving in. Didn't think it would be a good look to get drunk (been there, done that) when he was only having a few.

We went to a pub and while he went to get us some drinks I start chatting to this girl sitting next to me at the pub. She looked like she was waiting for a date so I asked her.

Yep, she was waiting to meet a guy she'd been chatting to for the past six weeks. She admitted she didn't normally wait that long before meeting, but things had come up. He'd called and said he would be late as he was catching a taxi from the Bayside.

She asks me how my date was going and I said okay so far. My date comes back with drinks and I'm chatting to him again. I turn around later when my date was getting drinks again and the guy had arrived. And he was cute! The three of us start a conversation - he asks me how my date was going (obviously she'd told him) and I asked how the taxi ride was the Bayside!

We all laugh - it was like the three of us were on the date. At least it would have been more fun if we were.

Somehow my date and I end up talking about the price of fuel. Come onnnnnnnnnnn. How has this become first-date chatter? This is boring and certainly not sexy and has no scent of mystery about it.

If that wasn't enough, the guy tells me he's married (separated), she cheated on him (he did FIFO work and was never there....) and now she's pregnant with the other guy's baby. The separation only happened in December and it's clear it's still raw with this guy.

He then feels the need to tell me they married in Fiji three years ago but never legalised the marriage in Australia so technically they aren't married.

They still share custody of two cats (he gets them when she works away).

Am I boring you yet? I'm yawning as I type.

With all due respect I don't give a shit about his pregnant ex wife or his cats or how far he travels to work each day (hence the fuel price chat).

I am sick of hearing everyone's baggage in a three-hour first date. This is NOT normal. Some of these things should't come out until months down the track.

Who decided first dates should be about laying all you cards on the table?

I had a disagreement with a friend of mine who says she'd prefer to hear the baggage straight up - that way she could run earlier.

I would prefer to wait because hearing the news after you'd gotten to know the guy might mean you keep your feet safely planted on the ground instead of running. You'd gotten to know him and liked what you saw and whatever it was wasn't a deal breaker anymore.

Perhaps.

I don't think joining an online dating site gives a guy a licence to ask you as many personal, intrusive and boring questions as he likes during your first date.

Would you do that if you were on a date in the "real  world"? I know I wouldn't - and don't with online dating guys.

Back to fuel guy - as I like to refer to him - he basically admitted to me it can sometimes take him days to reply to messages (and many of the girls get angry - I wonder why???) because all he wants to do when he gets home is dinner, shower, bed and do it all again tomorrow.

Sounds inviting, doesn't it? I even said to him "you're really selling yourself to me" and just kinda smiled.

So after 3+ hours I'd just about had enough. Two hours in he date he'd asked me if I was hungry and I said I could eat something, then he replies he wasn't hungry. And hour late he decides he's hungry and asks me what I wanted to do?

Insert him leaning into me and giving me the 'foot tap' like he's saying 'how 'bout it? If I stay at yours tonight I'll save on fuel'. He didn't say it but I could see the idea ticking through his mind.

Umm, how about no buddy? Have I given you any indication I'm interested? Has there been any leg touching, shoulder brushing, fingers touching? No. I couldn't have been more clear if I tried.

So I pretend to look at my watch like I'm deciding what I'll do 'oh look at the time - I should probably get going' I reply.

Luckily I didn't have to duck and weave at the usually awkward 'car' moment at the end of the night as he'd picked up my vibes and was standing a couple of metres from me.

So his radar's not that off, afterall.

I'm upping the ante for the next first date - a ghost tour of Boggo Road Gaol!