Calling Him Out

After first complimenting a guy on his cool profile pic (he's in the foreground and there is a motorbike in the background and the clouds look all grey and mysterious), I soon find out we both loved Instagram.

We exchanged meaningful messages (more than 'how was your day?') for about a week before I took the leap of faith and sent him my phone number.

Might be easier to text, I say. Use it as you wish I say.

As the hours passed I wondered what exactly he was going to do with my number? Seven hours later I get a message through Tinder from the guy and he gives me his number.....

Ummm, dude, when a girl gives you her number you're supposed to text her!

So I mulled over this for a few minutes. I had hoped he'd message me but I thought seeing he'd only been on Tinder a couple of weeks, he probably didn't know how things worked.

But hang on a minute, common sense says text the girl! So I message him and we text back and forth for a couple of days.

I find out he's quite interested to know I write a blog about online dating (and even asked for the address). Almost daily he'd ask if I'd written about him yet? I replied that I would, but depending on how things panned out between us would determine how I would write it.

I'd felt comfortable enough with this guy so I mention a possible catch up on the weekend and he was interested. I suggest Friday night but he's busy with end of financial year functions. Same goes with Saturday night.

But he doesn't offer an alternative. He's not giving off the best of signals right now. Does he or does he not want to meet me?

I put it out there - how about Sunday afternoon? A day goes by, no response. Two days, then before I know it, four days.

He'd still been online on Tinder at all hours of the night. My overactive mind goes into overdrive and I decide the guy had met someone else on Tinder and had changed his mind about meeting up with me.

That's fair enough. But what I didn't like was the not knowing.

So I called him out on it. I sent a text Sunday morning saying by the lack of response from him it seemed he didn't want to catch up with me anymore. That's fine if he's met someone else but he could have had the decency to let me know we weren't going to catch up.

I didn't expect a reply. I'd said my peace.

But he did! Twenty minutes later he said sorry he hadn't made any plans with me and no he hadn't met someone else.

I nearly fell off the bed. I asked if he still wanted to meet me? Yes, but not today as he was busy. I said so was I, I was on the Gold Coast.

That was two days ago and still nothing. I honestly don't think this guy will actually grow any balls and organise a catch up with me but that's okay because I let him know you just can't forget about a girl like that. If you're not interested - let her know.

Plus I had a date with a sweet, cute, Spanish guy who has shown more interest in me than he has.

You snooze, you lose.

Date #3 Curse

I did see the last guy again, we managed a date #2 but I still have my date #3 curse hanging over my head.

The second date was pretty tame - we went to Eat Street Markets. He was tired and didn't seem all that interested. I was hanging (hoping?) for an invitation up, but didn't get one.

We had tentatively planned date #3, when the day before he texts at 9.40pm saying he'd been off sick that day and would go to the doctors the next day. No mention of tomorrow night's date. I think he was secretly hoping I would bring it up.

I replied, with concern, then suggested we could watch movies at his place.

Then he went into radio silence. That was three weeks ago and I still haven't heard from him.

I'm sad to say I didn't get my happy ending I was hoping for.

Usually I make excuses for the guy as to why he hasn't replied to my text, but this time I wasn't having a bar of it.

I had kept my Friday night free and ended up sitting on the couch watching bad tv. I got a couple of messages from friends asking where I was and they were surprised when I told them I was at home.

Because, like me, they thought this guy was different. He might actually be interested in me and show initiative with texting/calling/making future plans.

But this time I didn't want to hear their rationale. I hoped he was lying in a ditch somewhere (that sounds harsh, but...), without his phone, and that was the only reason he couldn't possibly have had the common courtesy to say thanks, but no thanks. 

Instead he took the coward's way out (and the all too familiar path I know) of just not replying to my text.

I was in half a mind to give him a piece of my mind but common sense prevailed (and a few talkings to from friends). He's not replying to my regular messages, he's hardly going to reply to one when I hit him up about not making concrete plans with me and not reply when I asked about our date plans.

So I did what many women before me have done. I let it slide. I decided to be the bigger person.

He's not worth it, they say. You'll find someone better, they say. If he's treating you like this now, what will it be like down the track, they say.

But I think the best piece of advice (and the one which cheered me up the most) was a good friend of mine telling me there were plenty more Tinder fish in the sea! Amen to that.

Meeting the Old Fashioned Way

My heart is beating quickly and my eyes are about to jump out of my head. How did I get those signs wrong? I mean, we hadn't even held hands, yet I manage to duck and weave the end-of-date-peck-on-the-cheek scenario.

Shit, what have I done? I really like this guy and now he's thinks we've moved into 'friends' territory. This is not good.

In my defense, there wasn't the awkward staring at each other/what do we do now moment.

I thanked him for a lovely date, said we should catch up again before I duck my head and jump into the waiting taxi.

I do this at the exact moment my date leans in for said mentioned peck.

Shit. I realise I snubbed him as I am sitting safely in the back of the taxi, which is heading in the opposite direction.

I did manage to tell him I'd message him when I was home. Surely that would help my chances, anyone?

I text him when I'm home and he replies thanking me for coming to his mate's birthday drinks and tells me he's in a cab on his way home. There isn't any mention of enjoying the date too....I really did screw this one up.

But I should start at the beginning. I'd met this guy during a girls' night out in the Valley. I chatted to him for about 10 minutes, he and his mates were leaving the bar and he's like I'd ask you for your number, but I don't have my phone. I of course ask why not? Because everyone spends all night on their phones on Facebook (true, but....), he replies. 

What if someone has to get in contact with you? I'm not that important, he says.

"I have a pen!" I exclaim (I wasn't going to put his number in my phone. No sireee. The guy has to get the girl's number). That's old school, he says. So he grabs a napkin from the bar and I find myself writing my name and number down. How cliche. I have turned into one of those girls.

I fold it up and give it to him (because if it's small noone will realise what I've just done). I'll hear from you in a week when you find this in your jeans pocket? I ask. Nooooo, he says.

He leaves and I continue my night, not thinking much about this guy or if he would actually text. I had already lined up my first Tinder date so I wasn't too concerned with him messaging.

It was actually refreshing to know you still can meet people the old fashioned way and not everyone is suited for this online dating caper (the jury is still out).

The next day he texts saying he was the guy from the bar last night and how did my night end up? I was shocked. I mean this guy has actually text when he said he would. They usually get your number and you never hear from them again.

This act alone set him apart from the others ('cause there's so many).

We messaged back and forth for the next few days until I realised he wasn't going to actually ask me out on a date. So me being me, I ask him if he's free on the weekend and we line up a late afternoon Saturday date. He had a friend's birthday drinks to go to afterwards, which gave him a perfectly good out if our date went south.

Before we're supposed to meet I get a text from him asking if I remembered what he looked like? Ummmm, yeah, I think so, I reply. Of course I remembered! How drunk did he think I was??

The date was great. A few vodkas in and we both seemed quite comfortable and I find out he likes entertainment news and gossip like I do and he also loves movies (massive tick).

After about three hours and a few mentions of "I really should get to my mate's drinks..." he asks me go with him. Yeah, would love to, as long as your friend doesn't mind, I say. No, of course not.

So we jump in a taxi and next minute I'm being introduced to my date's mates. Gotta say this is a first. Haven't met the guy's mates so early on in the relationship.

Everything was going well. There was a DJ playing vinyl records, we were spending equal amounts of time chatting to each other and also mingling with the rest of the guests. There was the right amount of leg touching going on.

I'd made mention of us having a movie night to watch a few cult films I hadn't seen. He even admitted to not watching The Notebook. "I forgot to tell you I'm a heterosexual male." Yeah, funny.

Turns out my date and I, the birthday boy and another couple are the last to leave the bar. I'd already spent seven hours on this epic date (longest first date in history for me) and I was ready to catch and taxi and head home. So was my date.

And this leads me to my earlier predicament......my heart is beating quickly and my eyes are about to jump out of my head. How did I get those signs wrong?

Tinder Date #2

It's 9pm and I'm sitting at home on my couch; makeup is off and I'm in my pyjamas.
It's not a good sign because I went on a (Tinder) date a few hours ago and things went south.

I'd chatted to this guy the previous night on the phone for two hours but in real-life it wasn't the same.

And I wasn't attracted to him. At all, He was another who didn't look like this photos which were a younger, skinnier version of him.

Date started out okay but soon there was a lot of awkwardness (which he brings up, even more awkward) and he stares at me in the really uncomfortable way. He's taking a drink of his beer while staring straight at me/through me.

I comment a few times about how it's weird he's staring at me and he thinks it's normal. He even asked me if I looked away from him because I was uncomfortable?

Umm, no mate. This is how I am when I talk to people I maintain eye contact, then look away BECAUSE IT'S WEIRD TO STARE AT PEOPLE!

Then he says he has never had feedback like that before, of which I reply it's not "feedback", it was simply a comment, an observation.

Way to go, you really know how to make a girl feel uncomfortable.

There are so many 'bad' moments from the date, I'll just keep them to a minimum.

Here are a few examples:

He comments on my French manicure and asks when I got it done? I said I do it myself and he's like but when did you do it? I replied, last Thursday.

And that's it, he doesn't say anything else. Doesn't compliment me or anything.

He asks if I want children (everyone knows how much I love this question).
I pause, hesitate and look at him.
I ask him why he needs to know this - I don't like talking about this on a first date.

I ask him if he wants children - "yes, of course" and I said isn't it an issue for you if I don't want kids?

I really don't like getting into this. THIS IS NOT FIRST DATE TALK. Think I need to send a memo to the guys before we go on a date.

Barbara will not talk about kids, marriage and ex-boyfriends. Maybe I should wear it around my neck, just to be safe.

For two people who spent two hours taking on the phone the night before, there were a lot of awkward silences. And this guy keeps pointing them out again and again.

At one stage we're talking about yoga, quite in depth,
He goes twice a week and I've just taken up hot yoga about a month ago so when we first started chatting on Tinder, this was a common interest.

But on the date he kept hassling me and wanted to know why I didn't like the quietness of yoga.

"I just don't," I reply.

I'm thinking, what's the big deal. But he doesn't leave it alone, then he tries to psycho analyse why I don't like being in a quiet room when you're not supposed to talk.

He blurts out "where are you in the family? Middle, end?". I'm I'm the only girl, and youngest.

I said "do you want me to lie down on the couch?" making fun of him but think it went over his head.

He then says 'we must have run out of things to say if this is what we're talking about'. You think this, but don't say out loud. I agreed and said let's move on.

We don't share the same taste in music, movies or tv shows. All he watches is ABC and listens to Radio National.

He likes Kanye West (WTF?) but doesn't read any of the pop culture stuff about him (this is my bread and butter).

These may not sound like deal breakers to you (and they're not for me), but they do play a really big part in my life.

After telling one friend about the terrible date she said he had an unusual understanding of social norms. That described him, and the date perfectly.

He also ordered for me. I've never had a guy/let a guy do this but thought I'd humour him. He ordered the beef for entree to share, we ordered our own mains then had an intense 'discussion' about dessert.

I wanted creme brulee while he wanted the panacotta. I wasn't hungry enough to share two and I wasn't going to budge on the creme brulee.

By this time he was really starting to annoy me with all the comments about the awkwardness so I stood my ground.

When he ordered creme brulee I was surprised.

Anyway, he pays the bill and we're standing out the front of the restaurant. He wanted to give me a hug and lifted me up (bear hug-like) and we went our separate ways (this is 8.45pm).

By 9.30pm he messages saying am I going to see you again? (how about it was really lovely to meet you, I had a nice time, would you like to catch up again?).

I said I thought the way the date ended was an indication we didn't have a good time?

Turns out he did have a good time.

I said all the signs pointed to both of us not having anything to say and it was time to leave.

He replies "I think you're fantastic Barbara...if that's how you read your signs then I'm not going to convince you otherwise.

Me: you have a funny way of showing it

Him: Pfft. Hilarious. You have a funny way of showing your gratitude for dinner.

I didn't reply. It was 10.40pm, I turned my phone off (didn't want any messages waking me up) and went to bed.

Fast forward 24 hours and it's Friday night and he messages 'what are you doing tonight?'.

How many times do I have to say no, no, no, no, no?!

My First Tinder Date...

So I'd been tindering for about two weeks and thought it was time to meet up with someone. 

After chatting to this guy I decided it was time to meet in person. He obliged and we chose one Friday night.

I arrived first, watching each guy walk past like he could be my date. I smiled (with a question mark at the end) but noone stopped.

Soon my date walked up, hands in his jumper pockets, generally not looking like he wanted to be there. I had made an effort and he was severely under dressed.

He stopped - we looked at each other a few seconds before I asked his name.

From this first glimpse of the guy, I wanted to run in the opposite direction.

Now I know this sounds mean, but I can't help the way I felt. To start with, he didn't look like the (very) vague photo in his profile and he was wearing what can only described as a hoodie without the hood, jeans and jogger-type casual shoes.

His hands in his pockets gave the wrong impression. It said to me 'I don't want to be here'.

But I decided to make the best of the situation so we grabbed a table and quickly ordered our respective drinks.

But even hard liquor didn't help us.

Conversation was boring. That's all I can say about it. I was the one making the effort, he was like a small child who'd gotten in trouble and was sitting in the corner not talking to anyone.

And when he did say something, it would be to do with what we'd messaged about. He couldn't think of anything else he wanted to know.

I had the feeling this guy didn't get out much and I was right. It was almost like he'd forgotten how to talk to a girl.

So we ordered some tapas and had more drinks but one-and-a-half hours in, I went to the bathroom and started messaging friends about how I could make my quick exit!

I went back, lasted another half an hour before asking for the bill when there was a lull (read: awkward silence) in the conversation.

He offered to pay, which was nice, and we quickly said our goodbyes out the front of the restaurant.

I think we both knew it wasn't going to work so there wasn't any of the usual 'thanks for the date, we'll have to do it again sometime' lie.

There wasn't.

We talked about our weekend plans, then went our separate ways.

Turns out we'd both caught the train in but luckily it was to different stations.

Can you imagine how awkward it would have been if we were both sitting on the platform waiting for our trains to arrive???!!

Thank goodness it didn't come to that.

Oh well, got the first Tinder date under my belt. Let's hope the next one is a little better.

I've Joined Tinder!

So I finally joined the Tinder revolution!

I'd been thinking about it for a few weeks and one Sunday night I decided to do it.

It's relatively easy - it's connected to Facebook so all you need to do is choose which Facebook pics you'll use, what age group you're searching for and what kilometre radius you want the guys.

The second guy I was chatting to was pretty forthcoming about what he was looking for.

His reply?

Him: what do u want from this

Me: that's a bit forward, I'm not after a one night stand if that's what you mean?

Him: your no good to me then

Wow. Glad we sorted that out. So you're what people warned me about.

Others had the whole 'hi, how are you' while I tried starting with 'I'm new to this, how's it been for you' kinda thing.

I hate nothing more than someone asking me a lame question about how my day was! 

Photos range from the vague, to the typical bathroom selfies, ones with them and their dogs and of course the tighty whitey ones.

I mean, if you're putting those sorts of photos out there I guess you're going to attract those sorts of people, right?

Tinder is different from other online dating sites. You take the person on face value; if you don't like their photos you swipe one way, if you like them, you swipe the other. If you've both 'liked' each other, Tinder messages you both and lets you know you are a match. Then you're free to start messaging through the app.

I've heard Tinder referred to as 'tindering' and 'tinderella'!

The guys on Tinder (well, the ones I've come across) generally don't write a spiel to go with their pics. You'll know their name, age and how many kms away they are.  

This is a sign of our times - how cut-throat things can be and how we're such a "now" generation. And Tinder is good for this - a simple swipe and you could start chatting to someone you may never have met.

I did come across a couple of guys I went on dates with last year, ones I met through another site. They had the same spiel from before. Think they're missing the point of Tinder.

It's all about the attraction you have with someone, purely by looking at their photo on your phone. Noone wants to read about your hopes and dreams and what you're looking for in a partner...that comes later.

Stay tuned for my first Tinder date...

Back from my self-imposed hiatus

Well hello!
It's been 6 months since I last posted anything. Mainly because I stopped online dating all together and it's hard to write a blog that's called Diary of An Online Dater when I'm not actually online. Or dating.

But alas, I went out on the weekend with a couple of new friends and got talking to a guy who suggested I write again.

Then a friend said I should get back to it too so I figured I'd give it a go.

I haven't actually been on any dates since I pulled my profile down in October. I miss it. It's nice to get dressed up, but to actually get dressed up for someone is a different story.

If you remember my worst date ever story last year it's made me a little wary and perhaps one of the reasons why I don't get guys' numbers anymore. But I should.

I'll tell you why.

This guy I mentioned from the weekend was talking to me about what I did. I explained I'm a former journalist now working in marketing. "Don't all journalists end up in PR or marketing?" he says.

Well, yes, they kinda do.

He asked if I had a blog after I mentioned I missed being a journalist. I said yes, I was writing a blog when I was doing online dating.

Then I re-hashed the worst date ever and he suggested I should keep up with my blog.

We had a nice chat. He had joined Tinder 2 weeks ago and he and his mate (who had a girlfriend) were out having a few beers and flicking through the girls on the dating app. 

I asked him how many second dates he'd had and he'd been on a couple of first dates. Then he confessed he didn't like to make the first move so when he had matches, he just let them sit there.

"But isn't that the point - when you both swipe yes, you're matched? Don't you want to follow it up?" I ask, intrigued.

He admitted it was an ego boost to see how many matches he had.
I was shaking my head not understanding. 

"I would have thought when you'd both come to this point where you were looking for love online, you'd both be serious?".

For someone who is so shy, he sure is putting himself out there. He was also on another online dating site.

We chatted about everything from tattoos on girls (yay or nay?), where we'd travelled overseas to where we went to school to his love of motorbikes and my apparent judgmental responses.

To which I replied "all girls are judgemental on the inside!".

When I realised I'd neglected my friends (we were talking in a booth) I went back to the group and one of my friends told me they'd given his mate my number to give to him.

Apparently my guy was shy.

I figured his mate would give him my number, then he'd get in contact.

But it's been two days and nothing.

I have Googled searched like there's no tomorrow. Scrolled through Facebook, even looked on LinkedIn and tried to go back through old school records to find this guy's last name.

But nothing. It's pretty hard to search the world wide web with just a first name, name of the school they went to and a brief description of what they do for a living.

 And I may, or may not have rung up his school to find out his name...

I Guess I gave too much credit to the impression I left with him. I thought our chat would have prompted him to contact me, but I guess the moral of the story for me is to get the guy's phone number next time?

I'm just not sure whether it's better to send a text and not get a response or not get his number in the first place...and kick myself.