Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Resilience is the key

During my somewhat short stint online dating, I've heard my fair share of excuses from guys.

It's not you, it's me has been one. Another guy decided he didn't want to go off his "12 week eating plan" for, god forbid, a drink or two and some food with me. I called him out on it and said if he'd really wanted to meet for "just coffee" we could have.

Another guy decided to share with me a rather big deal breaker, but not until after I'd invested more than two-and-a-half weeks messaging the guy, sending texts and talking on the phone endlessly.

We met for the first time at the airport (kind of romantic, no?). I picked him up and our first date was riding along the river in Brisbane on the Lipton Ice Tea  push bikes.

It was fun, like all good first dates should be. We didn't talk about the big ticket items (marriage, exes and children) and I thought things were on track.

We followed up with a second date the following night - an innocent dinner and movie date. We even had a drink and strolled along the river before he hit me with his deal breaker.

He had unrealistic, selfish, sexual expectations that he thought were deal breakers in his relationships. Hell, he felt he deserved it and he didn't feel what he was asking for was unreasonable.

I, however, wasn't willing to play ball and the past two-and-a-half weeks slipped away about as quickly as they started.

But this got me guys actually believe they can have it all in one little package? They want a woman who respects herself, can hold an intelligent conversation, is hot and has her own opinions on things, but when the sun goes down she's gotta be this vixen in the bedroom.

But back to my date. I decided we'd got our separate ways that night and by this, I mean I left him with his wallet and phone and little else. I drove home and he got a taxi.

This is what tipped him over the edge. I was leaving him in the "middle of nowhere" (ummm, it's an inner city suburb dude, you're not going to be mugged) and he "looked after dinner the last two nights".

Don't even try that one on me. I picked him up from the airport which would have saved him about $70-$80 and I bought our movie tickets and candy bar snacks.

Don't lower the tone of our date to your level just because you weren't happy with my reaction to your "deal breaker".

The thing which gets me through all these crazy reasons/excuses/deal breakers is resilience. I was never one to bounce back so quickly after rejection but I do now.

This is my second time on the online dating website RSVP and I've taken a different direction. I don't give out my number first anymore. The guy has to give me his first and I'm no longer the first one to suggest a catch up.

I can at least pretend there is a little chivalry left.

So even if the guy doesn't respond to my last text asking when he's free to come to dinner at my house next week, or if he doesn't let me know if he wants to go to the movies, I just think, he's not the right one for me.

The right one will reply to my messages, I won't have to worry if he likes me and wants to spend time with me or not.

It will just happen and I will just know. But until then, I will continue to bounce back after the ridiculous excuses guys give me.

But I'll leave you with one last gem. I'd been on two dates in two weeks with this guy. Thought the last time we saw each other things went well. However after a few days went by and he still wasn't replying to my messages I decided to take the matter into my own hands.

After extensive consultation with my friends (!!!) I decide to confront him. Well, sort of. I constructed this perfectly well written message which asked if everything was okay, was hoping to catch up with him again, but if he wasn't keen, to let me know. 

Surprisingly, he replied about half and hour later with this big explanation (read: excuse) about how his working hours had changed to nights, things were moving too fast and he realised "that wasn't me at the moment". He ended it with a compliment (sort of) saying he thought I was hot inside and out and he really did get on with me, but he (insert his name, third person-style) wasn't ready.

I replied saying I didn't see that coming, thought we'd both enjoyed each other's company and sorry if he thought a third date was rushing things. I did thank him for his honesty.

But I bounced back, picked myself up again and went on a date with another guy who'd shown interest in me.

It is a numbers game afterall. I've just got to wait until I get to 1.

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