Body language will be the death of me

I've wanted to write this blog for awhile now.

It's been quite a few months since my last post (five months) so I thought I'd start 2021 with more consistent blogging.

You see, more than 12 months ago I signed up to a matching making service.

I'd had enough of online dating (I see the irony with the name of this blog!) and thought maybe a professional could find me someone special as I hadn't had any luck.

I'd thought about a matchmaker on and off for a few years and when they did they latest check in, I'd had a really bad first date with a guy and decided why not?

Before I knew it, I'd signed up for six months (and four matches) and was handing over control to someone else to hopefully find my plus one.

I was looking for a happy-go-lucky tradie and if he had a beard, that'd be great!

Let me tell you about my first match.

Oh, before I forget, you don't get shown a photo of your match so basically it's a blind date. When I did sign up they showed me photos of a heap of guys so they could gauge what look I was attracted to.

I was reassured by the matching service the guy makes the plans (which was great because I'm sick of organising everything all the time).

To start with this guy didn't organise where to meet so I had to suggest a meet point.

He turns up wearing a suit and not in that sexy-suit-wearing-kind-of-way. The kind like he didn't have time to get ready after work so went straight from the office.

Or it had been so long since he'd had a first date he had no idea what to wear (turns out he'd been married for over 10 years and divorced for four).

I wasn't attracted to him - in fact wouldn't have given him a second-glance in a line up and certainly wouldn't have swiped right.

So we are wandering around trying to find a place for a drink and finally settle on one. I'm at the bar ordering a vodka and old mate is keen for a lemon, lime and bitters. The bar tender realises we're on a date and asks if he wants vodka with his too as "the lady is having one".

So he was pressured into an alcoholic drink when he only had plans to sit on his soft drink all night.

We get chatting and I quickly realise he's not someone I want to spend hours with (let's be honest - I knew this as soon as I met him but was trying to give him a chance).

He shows me his before and after photos of his 30kg weight loss (umm, this is not first-date stuff) and tells me his mum's had cancer (also not usual first-date chat).

I mean, congrats and all, but you don't tell your date this straight up.

The conversation centred around travel (mainly his) and family (again, mainly his). He didn't ask much about me at all.

I was keen to hot-foot it out of there but was conscious I had to fill out a survey on him (and he on me) after the first date so needed to make sure I wasn't rude or not putting enough effort in (which is hard when you're not interested in the guy).

I thought I'd hidden my body language pretty well but it turns out a friend of mine who just so happened to be walking past us (which I didn't see) messaged and asked if I was on a date? I replied saying it was one of my matches and she could tell I wasn't interested from my body language.

Oops.

And turns out he could too because in his feedback he said he could tell I wasn't interested through my body language and conversation and could also tell I wasn't excited.

Damn.

Oh well, you can't win them all.

One down, three to go.

Keeping your ex in the rear view mirror

Here's a hot tip for you. If a guy says he enjoys your company, run. Run as fast as you can and don't look back.

Up until this point I had hope. Hope this guy (an ex) whom I hadn't seen in two years was back in my life because he realised how much he missed me and hadn't found what we had since breaking up.

As much as I wanted to believe this, there was a niggling feeling telling me this wasn't the case.

People say actions speak louder than words but that wasn't the case this time.

His actions were telling me otherwise.

Let me start at the beginning. A month ago there's a knock at my door at 6.45pm on a Saturday. I was sick at the time (wearing trackies, ugg boots, jumper and no makeup) and wasn't expecting any visitors.

I open the door and standing there is my ex. It's been two years since we've seen each other and he says hi like it was yesterday. We'd had a difficult breakup and never in a million years did I think I'd see him again.

My reactions was a little different ("holy shit!").

He told me he was in the neighbourhood picking up something from Marketplace and he'd tried to message me on facebook but couldn't find me (I smiled - that's because I blocked you, mate!).

I let him in and we chatted. Just like old friends who hadn't seen each other in 10 years. He stayed for four hours. Yep, four hours. It was really good to see he was doing better than when we were together.

He'd changed jobs and seemed to be in a better place. I asked if he was seeing anyone (no) and I got the obligatory "you?" back. Clearly not caring what my answer was.

I told him about a psychic reading I had two years ago (after we had broken up) and how the lady couldn't shut up about him. Said the job he was in was the worst he could have, he had allergies to wheat and starch and dust and mould, the list went on.

Time passes and at 10.45pm he leaves with me thinking I won't see him again.

Of course I was wrong. I was turning 40 the following week and he messaged wishing me happy birthday.

Over the coming week we messaged a bit back and forth, just like it used to be. I was keen to catch up when I was back (I'd headed home for my 40th) and he was free the weekend so it was locked in.

A few hours into the second meet up he tells me there's an ex of his who's back in his life and he'd actually spent time with her two days earlier.

This didn't sit well with me at all. All of a sudden I felt like the other woman. He had not told me about her the last time we saw each other. If he had, there's no way I would have organised another catchup.

And why is he seeing me when he is spending time with another girl? I had so many questions.

I figured I had nothing to lose so I told him more about the psychic reading. The lady said he knew we could have a good life together but he needed to step up.

What I didn't tell him is she said he would get from me what he gets from a friend and he would find a way to keep popping back into my life.

I needed to get rid of him from my life in order for this other guy I'm meant to be with to appear. Apparently things will be a lot easier with this guy and we would be a good match.

But back to the catchup...I had planned on hitting this guy up and asking why he'd popped back into my life but the news of another girl threw me so I just left it.

There's a time and a place.

Cue two weeks later (yesterday) and we catch up. I was determined to get to the bottom of it. I'm like a dog with a bone.

It takes me two hours to find a segway to ask him about this other girl.

I ask if he's seeing someone and he replies "yeah, I'm still seeing Rachel." Right, so this girl has a name.

I then ask what he was feeling towards me and he was trying to throw it back to me and I wouldn't have it.

He finally said he wanted friendship from me. Mate, the way you've been acting is not friendship. I tell him we were never friends; we met on a dating site.

This comes as a shock to him - for some reason he thought I would be okay with this scenario. I was not (and most girls wouldn't be either).

As we are chatting the time is passing and we're getting close to leaving the house to see a movie I booked tickets for an hour earlier.

Of course had I known he was seeing me as a "friend" I wouldn't have said yes to a movie and sitting next to this guy who's flying the FRIENDSHIP flag.

So I put on my big girl pants and sucked it up. I really wanted to see the movie!

He touched my leg a couple of times during the movie as he jumped watching a scene (friendship, I don't think so).

Afterwards, we came back to my house. I still didn't get what I wanted out of him so I attempted another chat.

I asked what this girl would think of him spending time with me and he said he'd told her and she was okay about it.

Ummmm....I would not be okay with it.

This guy has spent a lot of time with me over the past few catchups, acting like we were still a couple (just minus the physical stuff). He was asking about my friends, how my family was doing and sharing in-house jokes with me like old times.

Again, this is not okay.

Mate, you can't do that. You can't lead a girl on and think you're offering more than you are. And you are deluded if you think we were "just friends".

I couldn't believe this guy had taken me for a ride. Again.

But that's the last time. I blocked him (again) on facebook last night and I'm close to blocking his phone number as well.

I've wasted enough time, energy and breathing space on this guy over the past month it's time to put him in the rear view mirror for good.

Unblocking my ex on Facebook

Isolation made me do it!

Spending three months in lock down gave me plenty of time to ponder life, including what my ex boyfriend was up to.

I must admit, there have been times over the past two years I've wondered what he was up to but that's as far as it went.

But being isolated from many of the things I know and love made me think....and think....and think.

You see, I blocked my ex about 18 months ago because Facebook Messenger kept telling me when he was online. We weren't Facebook friends anymore but he'd messaged me on Messenger and even though I'd deleted the chat, I could still see when he was online.

You can imagine how this wasn't helpful for someone wanting to forget their ex (like most of us do!). They're an ex for a reason, right?!

So I blocked him. Which deleted that chat.

Out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, mostly.

Lately I'd been thinking about what he'd be up to. Was he still working or had he lost his job from coronavirus layoffs? 

I knew he'd have a new girlfriend, no question about it. He told me he was a relationship kinda guy (he just didn't know how to act like he was in one).

So last night I did it - I unblocked him. I didn't expect to see much (if anything) as he rarely posted on Facebook when we were together and he wasn't going to change, right?

You can imagine my shock when I see he'd checked in at a couple of gigs.....with a girl.

Now it's not the fact he was with a girl that got to me, it's the fact 1) he's going to gigs again and he knew how much I love this and he never wanted to commit to going to them with me anymore and 2) he checked in with her.

I mean, he'd never checked in on Facebook anywhere with me the whole time we were together.

The two checkins I did see were from 2019 but one can only assume they are still together now.

Of course I stalked her Facebook page too (who wouldn't?) but only saw a handful of photos (she's pretty *sigh*) and thankfully there wasn't a happy snap of them both staring back at me.

I am better off without him, no question, but I don't want his happiness rubbed in my face.

I say good luck to her. I had nine months of him putting me second with everything he did (including not wanting to go to music gigs with me) and now I don't have to put up with that. And haven't for the past two years.

Yes I am still single, yes I am a few months away from turning 40, but you know what? I am so glad I made the decision to end our relationship and I put myself first for once.

You're probably wondering if I'm going to block him again on social media? I don't think so. He's not hiding in my Messenger messages anymore so there isn't a constant reminder he's there.

And I want to be the bigger person, even if I don't feel like it right now.

Sixty Minutes of Self-Righteousness

I knew when a guy asked me if I could put up with a low-meat diet he wasn't the one for me.

But going against my better judgement, we went on a date and I ended up calling it quits after just one hour (think this is a new record).

The whole time I kept thinking, I got dressed up for this guy. I could be at home watching MAFS in my PJs but instead I'm out on a school night listening to this self-righteous person talk down about society and his family. 

He's got a beef with his parents and basically blames them for how he's turned out. Or not turned out.

He explains they are not well educated and hadn't gone to university. His mother didn't want him to follow a 'creative' path and it sounds like he still holds a grudge.

It's like they stunted him becoming what he was supposed to become. Whatever that was.

He didn't see his parents as his equal.

I have never felt more uncomfortable sitting hearing someone put their parents down as much as this guy did. And remember, we were only on the date for 60 mins.

He asked me about my parents and I said my dad hadn't finished high school but as an adult gained his PhD and my mum had always worked.

I think he was hoping I'd trash-talk my parents, but I wouldn't.

He also trashed his friends, saying he needed to make new ones who shared his beliefs as his old ones didn't anymore.

I have never met anyone more dissimilar to me than this guy. There is NO WAY I would date someone who speaks like this about his family and friends.

He asked what I thought about the bar we'd gone to? I said it was good, he thought something was missing and said it was sterile. I said it was missing some vases with fresh flowers on the bar (!!!) but he didn't like that answer.

At one point, though, he did compliment my watch. I said it was from Singapore and he asked me if it was battery operated or something else? I said battery I think - I've only had it since October.

I was about to say it cost $5 but decided against it as he'd probably turn on me

I was hoping, going into 2020, my dates would get better.

It's been more than 12 months since my last good date and tonight was no exception.

Have you heard the saying if you keep doing the same things you'll keep getting the same result?

Well, I was trying to broaden my horizons when it comes to the guys I like.

If you had of asked me a month ago would I date a vegan it would have been a flat out no. And turns out after tonight it's still a no.

Tonight's date describes himself as an "accidental" vegan who likes salami and bacon. What the? Go figure. Apparently he's allergic to eggs and is lactose intolerant, blah blah blah. 

This bothered me to start with because I am a meat eater and wouldn't know how I'd go with someone who wasn't.

This (pseudo) vegan, looked disinterested the whole time during the date. When he wasn't playing with his half-empty beer glass (and had told me he didn't drink much), he was spinning his phone on the table which annoyed me (he'd already answered a text - black mark).

He also contradicted himself. Said he liked Dendy cinemas because you could take a glass of wine in. I called him out saying but you don't drink much and he's like oh, it's nice to have a glass in the cinema.

My gut was already telling me I couldn't date a vegan, but his philosophical look on life cemented that for me.

He even lectured me on how many cultures believed it was important to "break bread" when sharing a meal.

He'd wanted to meet for Japanese but this was quickly quashed when I told him I didn't eat it.

I don't need a lecture about the importance of breaking bread or having someone suggest I would be eating a low-meat diet if we dated.

No thank you.
Next!

You Date Me, You Date My Cat

As I sit here on the last day of 2019 I reflect on my year of online dating.

I'm not gonna lie, it's been the worst in six years I've been online dating. I'm not sure if I just don't have the patience anymore or whether the guys are just not putting any effort into getting to know me.

But either way, I've had enough.

A recent date told me cats were a deal breaker for him. We hadn't met yet and I found this out the night before. I told him I have a cat and that seemed to be an issue for him.

Now I know not everyone likes cats (that's fine) but I would never expect someone to say it's a deal breaker. Deal breakers for me are ex husbands/wives/girlfriends/boyfriends, someone who does drugs, has been in jail. You get the drift.

But a cat?

My first thought was no wonder this guys is in his late 30s and is still single if he considers a cat a deal breaker.

He was telling me he didn't like anyone touching his feet and didn't want a cat to bite his feet...ummmm...okay.

Going against my better judgement (which never works) I met up with him and immediately wished I hadn't.

It was clear he hadn't even showered after work and was still wearing his suit. Not in a sexy 'he's wearing a suit for the date' kind of way. He was too lazy to put any effort in.

He had plenty of time to shower too - where we met was within walking distance for him (where I had to pay a $35 Uber fare).

He was trying to be funny and wasn't. I felt uncomfortable and the whole time was trying to think of an out.

More than an hour in I go to the bathroom, check my phone for messages and decide now is the time to lie to get out of here.

I go back to the table and say I'd had a call from my neighbour who'd had a bad day and I had to get home to see how she was doing.

I felt a little bad about the lie, but I just had to get out of there.

This guy obviously didn't pick up what I was putting down because when we were saying goodbye he asked for a kiss. Luckily I thought on my feet and said I don't kiss on the first date (another lie).

My Uber was 1 min away so I jumped in, he left and that was that.

That's the last time I go on a date with someone who thinks cats are a deal breaker.

So goodbye 2019 and all the terrible dates I've been on. Ironically, I've been on less dates this year than past years, but the ones I've had have not been worth my time.

Here's to 2020 and meeting some better quality men (who like cats!).

Breakup Letter to eHarmony

Dear eHarmony
You were like my best friend. You were there for me when I was sad and feeling lonely. You gave me some great guys to look at and let me imagine what it would like to have a life with them.

The first time we met you matched me with a really great guy, first up. We chatted for weeks before eventually meeting and the chemistry was instant.

I thanked you for introducing us. I would not have met him in the real world otherwise.

You taught me you had to be in it to win it. I get that. Throw your hat in the ring. Take a leap of faith. I could go on and on.

Thing is, I wasn't taking a chance on the guy, I was taking a chance on you.

I left it up to you to match me with a great guy. Did we enjoy the same movies? Did we like going away for the weekend or heading away for a day's adventure. Or could we both just relax on the couch talking about our day?

Well the first time around you did great. 10/10.

But as the cracks slowly started to show I began doubting our friendship. I thought you had my best interest at heart? Didn't you want me to be happy?

I was, but after nine months I called it quits.

I needed some time and distance from you. I wasn't ready to face you just yet.

But 12 months after my boyfriend and I broke up, I was ready. Or at least I thought I was.

I was ready for all those great guys you were going to introduce me to. The ones I'd have awesome dates with and would tell to my friends about.

I had high expectations for you. For us.

But it was not to be. You didn't remember the types of guys I liked - the photos I was attracted to or the profiles that made me smile or laugh.

I did give you a chance. I went on four or five dates with guys you thought I'd like but it didn't work out.

Seems like you have lost your mojo. Or maybe my heart just wasn't in it?

Either way, this is the last you will be hearing from me. Take care eHarmony and remember it's not me, it's you.

Dear Saturday Night Date...

Dear Saturday night date
Can I please have my four hours back?

I had high hopes for you, I'm not gonna lie.

We'd been chatting for a few days and we both thought it's better to meet up sooner rather than later so we organised a date.

I was keen - our banter was great and we seemed to share the same sense of humour via text message. And that's no mean feat.

Although meeting in real life (or IRL as the kids call it) I was worried I wouldn't find you attractive so I went in with an open mind.

When you turned up I was pleasantly surprised, but also didn't feel that spark I'm looking for.

And as Marie Kondo says, we need to spark joy.

One drink turned into several and before you know it, we'd moved to another venue and the drinks and conversation continue to flow.

This gave me hope you were enjoying yourself.

By this time, four hours had passed and I suggested we grab some food. You had other ideas, announcing you were going to go home and asked me if that was okay, like my answer would have changed your mind anyway.

We swiftly made a bee line for our perspective Ubers (how 2019) and you gave me an awkward hug and said 'all the best meeting you, not on a second date though'.

Ummm, what did you just say???

I was in total shock I didn't react the way I wanted to so I am telling you know.

Why did I just waste four hours of my Saturday night when clearly you just weren't that into me.

Couldn't you have decided this in the first drink, in the first hour?

How does it take someone FOUR HOURS to decide they don't want to be there?

Funny thing is, we'd joked a few times about how long we usually stay out if we're not into them (consensus was two hours).

I even chatted to a woman at the bar and mentioned I was on a first date and she said if I needed an out I could join her and her friends (love the sistahood!).

I went back and told you (you thought it was funny) and we continued to stay out, obviously past your bedtime.

Look, I get it. You're just not into me.

I don't have any issues with that but I do with the fact we were out for FOUR HOURS and you wasted my time.

Whether you realise or not, you gave me false hope we would catch up again and I'm telling you now there's no way I'd stay out for four hours if I didn't think there would be a second date.

I've been wracking my brain to think of what I did to make you run like you did.

But you know what, this had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you.

Next time you're on an eHarmony date, figure out what you before you meet the girl, because she doesn't need to be dragged into a marathon date for no reason.

For the record, this is the first time in my five-ish years of online dating anyone has told me there wouldn't be a second date, while still being on the first.

And finally, I looked damn hot and felt confident. Buddy, you're the one missing out.