You Date Me, You Date My Cat

As I sit here on the last day of 2019 I reflect on my year of online dating.

I'm not gonna lie, it's been the worst in six years I've been online dating. I'm not sure if I just don't have the patience anymore or whether the guys are just not putting any effort into getting to know me.

But either way, I've had enough.

A recent date told me cats were a deal breaker for him. We hadn't met yet and I found this out the night before. I told him I have a cat and that seemed to be an issue for him.

Now I know not everyone likes cats (that's fine) but I would never expect someone to say it's a deal breaker. Deal breakers for me are ex husbands/wives/girlfriends/boyfriends, someone who does drugs, has been in jail. You get the drift.

But a cat?

My first thought was no wonder this guys is in his late 30s and is still single if he considers a cat a deal breaker.

He was telling me he didn't like anyone touching his feet and didn't want a cat to bite his feet...ummmm...okay.

Going against my better judgement (which never works) I met up with him and immediately wished I hadn't.

It was clear he hadn't even showered after work and was still wearing his suit. Not in a sexy 'he's wearing a suit for the date' kind of way. He was too lazy to put any effort in.

He had plenty of time to shower too - where we met was within walking distance for him (where I had to pay a $35 Uber fare).

He was trying to be funny and wasn't. I felt uncomfortable and the whole time was trying to think of an out.

More than an hour in I go to the bathroom, check my phone for messages and decide now is the time to lie to get out of here.

I go back to the table and say I'd had a call from my neighbour who'd had a bad day and I had to get home to see how she was doing.

I felt a little bad about the lie, but I just had to get out of there.

This guy obviously didn't pick up what I was putting down because when we were saying goodbye he asked for a kiss. Luckily I thought on my feet and said I don't kiss on the first date (another lie).

My Uber was 1 min away so I jumped in, he left and that was that.

That's the last time I go on a date with someone who thinks cats are a deal breaker.

So goodbye 2019 and all the terrible dates I've been on. Ironically, I've been on less dates this year than past years, but the ones I've had have not been worth my time.

Here's to 2020 and meeting some better quality men (who like cats!).

Breakup Letter to eHarmony

Dear eHarmony
You were like my best friend. You were there for me when I was sad and feeling lonely. You gave me some great guys to look at and let me imagine what it would like to have a life with them.

The first time we met you matched me with a really great guy, first up. We chatted for weeks before eventually meeting and the chemistry was instant.

I thanked you for introducing us. I would not have met him in the real world otherwise.

You taught me you had to be in it to win it. I get that. Throw your hat in the ring. Take a leap of faith. I could go on and on.

Thing is, I wasn't taking a chance on the guy, I was taking a chance on you.

I left it up to you to match me with a great guy. Did we enjoy the same movies? Did we like going away for the weekend or heading away for a day's adventure. Or could we both just relax on the couch talking about our day?

Well the first time around you did great. 10/10.

But as the cracks slowly started to show I began doubting our friendship. I thought you had my best interest at heart? Didn't you want me to be happy?

I was, but after nine months I called it quits.

I needed some time and distance from you. I wasn't ready to face you just yet.

But 12 months after my boyfriend and I broke up, I was ready. Or at least I thought I was.

I was ready for all those great guys you were going to introduce me to. The ones I'd have awesome dates with and would tell to my friends about.

I had high expectations for you. For us.

But it was not to be. You didn't remember the types of guys I liked - the photos I was attracted to or the profiles that made me smile or laugh.

I did give you a chance. I went on four or five dates with guys you thought I'd like but it didn't work out.

Seems like you have lost your mojo. Or maybe my heart just wasn't in it?

Either way, this is the last you will be hearing from me. Take care eHarmony and remember it's not me, it's you.

Dear Saturday Night Date...

Dear Saturday night date
Can I please have my four hours back?

I had high hopes for you, I'm not gonna lie.

We'd been chatting for a few days and we both thought it's better to meet up sooner rather than later so we organised a date.

I was keen - our banter was great and we seemed to share the same sense of humour via text message. And that's no mean feat.

Although meeting in real life (or IRL as the kids call it) I was worried I wouldn't find you attractive so I went in with an open mind.

When you turned up I was pleasantly surprised, but also didn't feel that spark I'm looking for.

And as Marie Kondo says, we need to spark joy.

One drink turned into several and before you know it, we'd moved to another venue and the drinks and conversation continue to flow.

This gave me hope you were enjoying yourself.

By this time, four hours had passed and I suggested we grab some food. You had other ideas, announcing you were going to go home and asked me if that was okay, like my answer would have changed your mind anyway.

We swiftly made a bee line for our perspective Ubers (how 2019) and you gave me an awkward hug and said 'all the best meeting you, not on a second date though'.

Ummm, what did you just say???

I was in total shock I didn't react the way I wanted to so I am telling you know.

Why did I just waste four hours of my Saturday night when clearly you just weren't that into me.

Couldn't you have decided this in the first drink, in the first hour?

How does it take someone FOUR HOURS to decide they don't want to be there?

Funny thing is, we'd joked a few times about how long we usually stay out if we're not into them (consensus was two hours).

I even chatted to a woman at the bar and mentioned I was on a first date and she said if I needed an out I could join her and her friends (love the sistahood!).

I went back and told you (you thought it was funny) and we continued to stay out, obviously past your bedtime.

Look, I get it. You're just not into me.

I don't have any issues with that but I do with the fact we were out for FOUR HOURS and you wasted my time.

Whether you realise or not, you gave me false hope we would catch up again and I'm telling you now there's no way I'd stay out for four hours if I didn't think there would be a second date.

I've been wracking my brain to think of what I did to make you run like you did.

But you know what, this had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you.

Next time you're on an eHarmony date, figure out what you before you meet the girl, because she doesn't need to be dragged into a marathon date for no reason.

For the record, this is the first time in my five-ish years of online dating anyone has told me there wouldn't be a second date, while still being on the first.

And finally, I looked damn hot and felt confident. Buddy, you're the one missing out.

First Date Blues

It has been almost 17 months since I had my last first date.

For awhile there I was on a role with first dates - my problem was getting to the third date. Now I haven't even had one first date.

True, I was off the market for awhile (nine months) while I was seeing a guy, but that finished many, many months ago and I'm gun-shy to get back on the horse.

Not even sure how to ride, to be honest.

What came naturally to me for so long seems so far out of my reach right now.

I've lost my dating mojo.

The momentum is gone. The thrill of getting ready for a date is not there - hell - the thought of making small talk with someone does not interest me at all.

And I'm a former journalist!

I was talking to friends recently about the effort that's involved when online dating. I treat it like a hobby or a second job.

You need to invest time and energy (and sometimes money for the paid sites) for it to be any use to you at all.

I know the next few weeks will be the best time to get back on the horse. Dating sites prey on vulnerable people (women) this time of year.

Everyone is fresh from making new year's resolutions - a new you - and plans to find "the one".

I have no such notion, however there are usually good discounts on the paid sites so now is the time to take that leap.

But something is holding me back. When I figure out what it is I might just sign up again. I just might...

What I learnt about myself after my breakup

I have become a better person.

There, I said it. And you know what? I believe it too.

My recent breakup has helped me look at myself as well as who I was in the relationship and the reality was I didn't always like who that person was.

I think along the way my ex and I somehow lost who we were, individually, but also as a couple.

We started out great - fantastic actually. The amount of things we had in common was just the beginning. We both made each other laugh (a very important part of a relationship), found the humour in situations and enjoyed getting to know one another.

But, somehow, over those nine months we lost who we were. How did this happen? Why did this happen? I can't answer that.

Perhaps we went from 0-100 in a very short time (a thought I've had for awhile) and skipped those early stages and went straight to the married couple part?

Even though I've had plenty of time to think about it, I don't think I will ever really know what went wrong.

But since the breakup I've given a lot of thought to my part in it all. I wasn't an innocent bystander, by any means and I think up until the last few days I haven't wanted to own that.

An old friend of mine used to say denial isn't a river in Africa. I'm no longer in denial about my actions and I'm hoping this revelation will make it easier for me not to make the same mistakes again.

You can't change something until you realise it needs changing.

Remember, I can only own my part in the relationship breakdown.

Somehow I became "that" person. You know the one - telling someone they shouldn't eat this or drink that. It was like I had made the plans and he just had to follow. He didn't get any say.

Nobody likes being told what to do, least of all, me. Actually, I hate it.

So my resolution for my next relationship is not to make the same mistakes again (pretty obvious, huh?).

If I'd gone through this in my 20s (I've mentioned before about being in a serious relationship at 37) I would have learnt many relationship lessons and the guy now would reap the rewards.

Instead, the poor bugger was on this unfamiliar journey with me.

As a side note, I'm not in any way forgiving my ex's behaviour. In particular, what I would and wouldn't compromise on, which I have discussed before. These things still remain true.

I'm simply acknowledging my part in the relationship and what I need to do for the demise not to happen again.

Adulting really is hard some days.

Ours was a great love story

Ours started off as a great love story.

We had all the ingredients for a long, happy, life together. But as the cracks started to appear and our tolerance for each other waned, the writing, inevitably, was on the wall.

I can only tell you my side of the story.

I think because things started off so well I wanted to believe it would continue like that. But, unfortunately it didn't.

You see, my boyfriend thought he only needed to "put in an effort" for the first couple of months. Once he "got me", he didn't think he needed to make an effort anymore.

I thought otherwise and this, I guess, was our undoing.

He was more at home sitting on my couch looking at his phone or watching tv/Netflix rather than going on date nights, weekend drives or just spending time with me.

We used to do all these things, but that all changed.

Of course there was more to it than that, but I'm not getting into the nitty gritty.

We were no longer on the same page. We didn't share the same interests anymore, didn't want to spend our spare time together and it seemed we were more content being by ourselves, rather than with each other.

Those endearing qualities we both loved about each other (or tolerated) at the beginning of our relationship became a thorn in our sides.

A recent holiday to Tasmania was make or break for us. Spending 24/7 with someone really shows you what you're both made of.

Unfortunately we weren't made to be in a relationship with each other.

The impatience he had with me, particularly while we were away, was made more obvious because there was nowhere to escape. We spent just about every moment with each other.

I know he's always been extremely impatient, but it wasn't until that distain was aimed at me all day, every day, did I realise this wasn't the type of relationship I wanted to be in.

And believe me the irony is not lost on me that I ended up with someone who didn't give a shit about manners when he knew how important they were to me.

So we bid farewell and have gone our separate ways.

I won't lie, the first three weeks, particularly, were tough and it's only with the help of my close friends and family that got me through such a shitty time.

But I'll bounce back.

What doesn't break you only makes you stronger, right?

Compromise isn't a two-letter word

I never thought compromise would play such a big role in my first serious relationship. Well, ever.

But it has.

A question I've asked myself a lot over the past nine months is do I want to compromise on this, or that?

Am I being too selfish? Do I really need it done this way or should I do it his way or do what he wants?

For compromise to work, you both need to agree to do it. It's no good one of you doing it because you will end up resenting the other.

You also need to decided what you will compromise on and what you won't and this is very important.

There needs to be boundaries and you need to be okay about what you compromise on.

I think this is the biggest issue I've had to face in my relationship. Should I compromise to make him happy or do I compromise for the greater good knowing that in the long term it doesn't really matter?

I have to remember I've lived alone most of my adult life so letting someone in is quite daunting.

He doesn't wipe up and put away. What's the big deal? He doesn't put things back where he got them? No biggie. He messes up your carefully positioned couch cushions. Good lord. What are you going to do?!!

So what if these things aren't done like I'm used to? At least I have this guy in my life who has enriched it in more ways than annoying my anal-retentive tendencies.

Fair enough on compromising on the little things but you have to decide on what you won't compromise on.

For me it's basic manners and common courtesy.

Unfortunately (fortunately?) I was brought up with high standards when it comes to manners. I expect them from my friends and my boyfriend.

So much so I had it written in my online profile. I wanted any potential suitors to know what was a priority for me and what was a deal breaker.

Waiting for someone to finish eating while sitting at the table is a given.
You wait while your girlfriend gets her bag out of the car before you walk off together.
You ask if she wants a coffee.
You don't start watching a movie on tv before she's sitting next to you.
If you're getting a drink, then ask if she wants one too.
There are two Chicos left in the packet - share them with her.

The list can be as long or as short as you make it, but either way you need to choose what you will compromise on and what you won't.

And remember, compromise isn't as simple as saying no.