Wednesday, March 23, 2016

50 First Date Questions

I pride myself on being able to talk to just about anyone so it's a good thing I worked as a journalist for almost a decade.

These skills also come in handy when I'm getting to know someone, but I'm also aware sometimes I can appear to be interrogating them.

I experienced the other side, a rather extreme side, recently with a guy I was chatting to on POF.

We spoke on the phone for the first time for two hours but it was two hours I'm trying to forget.

This guy interrogated me and not in a good way.

He started off with the generic questions like the types of music I listened to, movies I watched and what I did for work.

Then came the hard-hitting ones like when was the last time I was intimate with someone? I pulled him up on this asking why did it matter? It could have been on the weekend.

There was silence and he said "well, was it?". I said it didn't matter when I last had sex.

He asked what size I was (I'm not telling anybody this), did I take any medication (again, this is none of his business), did I like to get dressed up, did I wear makeup??

The whole time I kept pulling him up on the questions and said it was like he had a check list and he was ticking boxes as we were talking.

He was taking it all very seriously, while I was laughing at these ridiculous questions but also trying to lighten the mood.

I asked him if he was a serious guy by nature and he said he was - finding a partner was serious business.

I told him it was supposed to be a fun and exciting time getting to know someone and you don't always find out the answers to your questions straight away.

He then hit with the big one - did I want kids because he doesn't go on a second date with someone who doesn't.

There was silence (as there usually is when someone asks me if I want kids) and he asked again. I used a defensive tone I'm known for and said I didn't know - my profile said I was undecided and that's what I was.

I don't need to explain myself to anyone, let alone justify my decision. I did not like the pressure he was putting on me when I hadn't even met him.

And where does he get off asking so many private, inappropriate questions?

He told me in so many words he has a list of questions he asks a girl before they meet so he can decide whether they should go on a date.

At this stage, we'd already planned to go on our first (and last?) date in two days' time.

I said to him I felt that if I gave him the 'wrong' answer he'd cancel the date. He assured me he wouldn't.

It's hard to really put this experience into words, but it's like I was having an out of body experience and couldn't do anything but sit and watch it unfold.

I was on the phone with this guy for two hours. Why I didn't put a stop to all the questioning earlier, I don't know.

But I finally did with the promise we'd meet each other for our first date in two days' time (even though that already felt like our first date).

I was feeling really uneasy when I got off the phone, so much so, I drafted a text to him to cancel the date, but thought I'd sleep on it first.

I woke up the next day and felt the same and messaged him saying I didn't want to take things further. I said all those questions he asked obviously meant a lot to him but they didn't to me and made me feel uncomfortable. He should be with someone who wants what he wants and I'm not that person.

He replied saying he understood and hoped I found what I'm looking for.

Then three minutes later he messaged again saying he was glad he asked those questions afterall.

Almost like he proved a point.

I refrained from giving him my thoughts on the matter.

So if I've learned anything from this, it's to tread carefully with the questions I ask when getting to know someone.

Sure, I ask a lot of questions, but they're pretty standard like what do you do for fun, do you have brothers and sisters, where was the last place you went overseas blah blah blah.

I certainly don't ask when someone last had sex.

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