Familiar pair of jeans

I recently got a taste of what a relationship might look like with someone I've known for almost five years.

Timing was never right with us. Or that's what I always kept telling myself. 

He wouldn't/couldn't/didn't commit. I always wanted him to. We'd go 'round in circles repeating these habits. 

Yet time and time again we'd find ourselves gravitating towards each other again. And each time I was hoping it would work out differently. 

Each time it didn't. 

Until the most recent time. 

I had hope. I knew there was something between us that was more than a situationship as everyone had labelled it. 

Things were smooth sailing.

For three weeks.

Shortest honeymoon period I've ever had.

Slowly my self-doubts crept back in like a familiar pair of jeans. They look good, but you know the fit just isn't right.

We'd been here before and I knew how it was going to play out. 

He didn't return my calls, didn't respond to text messages. Looked at photos I sent, but still didn't contact me. 

The old feelings of uncomfortableness once again swept over me. 

Oddly familiar as we've been here before, but at the same time I was hoping we were done with this. 

Not communicating our needs with other. Not truly saying how we felt. Letting the other person go because you knew you couldn't give them what they want. 

I know this isn't the state I want to live in – constantly wondering if he's going to return my calls – hell, answer them in the first place – reply to messages or even message me first. 

This isn't the basis of a solid relationship, or even friendship. 

The constant state of not knowing where you stand isn't good for anybody. 

I know that. 

I also need to finish this last chapter with us.

I need to close the book for the last time.

If he won’t give me closure, I’ll take it for myself.