Familiar pair of jeans

I recently got a taste of what a relationship might look like with someone I've known for almost five years.

Timing was never right with us. Or that's what I always kept telling myself. 

He wouldn't/couldn't/didn't commit. I always wanted him to. We'd go 'round in circles repeating these habits. 

Yet time and time again we'd find ourselves gravitating towards each other again. And each time I was hoping it would work out differently. 

Each time it didn't. 

Until the most recent time. 

I had hope. I knew there was something between us that was more than a situationship as everyone had labelled it. 

Things were smooth sailing.

For three weeks.

Shortest honeymoon period I've ever had.

Slowly my self-doubts crept back in like a familiar pair of jeans. They look good, but you know the fit just isn't right.

We'd been here before and I knew how it was going to play out. 

He didn't return my calls, didn't respond to text messages. Looked at photos I sent, but still didn't contact me. 

The old feelings of uncomfortableness once again swept over me. 

Oddly familiar as we've been here before, but at the same time I was hoping we were done with this. 

Not communicating our needs with other. Not truly saying how we felt. Letting the other person go because you knew you couldn't give them what they want. 

I know this isn't the state I want to live in – constantly wondering if he's going to return my calls – hell, answer them in the first place – reply to messages or even message me first. 

This isn't the basis of a solid relationship, or even friendship. 

The constant state of not knowing where you stand isn't good for anybody. 

I know that. 

I also need to finish this last chapter with us.

I need to close the book for the last time.

If he won’t give me closure, I’ll take it for myself.

Uncertainty

When you feel you're on the cusp of something great there's always a niggling feeling in the back of your mind. 

Is this really happening? Will it last this time? Is the universe testing me? Am I imagining this? Will it be different this time?

So many questions (always!).

You're always torn between living in the moment and wondering whether this will last, or whether it was put in your path to test you. 

Don't get me wrong, I love living in lala land occasionally, but reality always creeps back in. 

Always does. 

Then you start to question whether this is the state of being you're supposed to enjoy?

But how can you enjoy the uncertainty of things?

No guarantees in life - I get that - but there can be certainties with some things in your life. 

You make plans to see friends, you catch up, share food, drinks, stories and realise this is where you're supposed to be. 

No guessing. No wondering. You know the outcome and you come back for more every time. 

There at some uncertainties you can't avoid. 

Leaving the washing on the line, hoping it doesn't rain while you're out. 

Finding a carpark in a busy shopping centre. 

Hoping your favourite pretzel will still be at the shop at the end of the day. 

The last treat at the office morning tea.

Catching the lift before the doors close. 

Some of these things are just a tad bit exciting. 

But the uncertainty of love and finding your person?

That's not always as exhilarating.

How I'd like to be remembered

I often think about what would be written on my tombstone.

The key things about me I'd want people to remember me by.

She loved to go the movies and gigs

Made friends easily; always spoke her mind

Never met a matchy-matchy outfit she didn't love (hello earrings!)

Not everyone's cup of tea

Loyal to a fault, always had high expectations of others, and herself

Loved to talk about the weather

Didn't play well with others

Natural blonde.

A friend gave me a small bag a few Christmases ago and on it read: you are my cup of tea.

Never a truer word was spoken. This hit me - she knows me well.

I think about the tombstone messaging a lot actually - how would people remember me or how would I like them to remember me?

I don't waste time worrying about what people think of me usually; but I do think about my actions and being a good person to others.

Brave

I'm often told I'm brave and to be honest, I don't feel it and I'm kinda sick of hearing it.

The things I do come naturally to me.

Noone to go on holidays with? No worries, I'll go by myself.

An acquaintance cancels on a singles mixer? I've already bought my ticket, so let's go solo.

Not enjoying my job? I'll quit.

Nothing seems impossible or out of reach for me.

I don't limit what I can or can't do.

Growing up I was taught, ney told, I can do anything if I put my mind to it.

I've never placed restrictions on myself for what I want or what I can achieve.

I think not having a five or 10-year-plan has helped this. I'm not on any path to any type of life I've imagined for myself.

The only thing I can see in my future is being happily married, living in a house with my husband and my cat Millie. I've told you I'm easy to please!

I don't need a lot to be happy, but I do need to find the little pieces of joy in the things I do.

Finding the joy in the small things

I find myself looking for joy in the tiniest of moments.

A work meeting. Meal prep on a Friday night. Freshly washed sheets. Cut grass. New boots. A good hair day. Dancing around my living room listening to music. Bangin' new outfit. You get my drift.

Instead of waiting to find joy in the big moments I am finding it in the small ones, and boy they are bringing me joy.

You see, I need to feel inspired in whatever I do. I'm not going to be engaged otherwise. And I am easy to please, really.

It doesn't take a lot to make me happy.

I recently attended a singles mixer and I really enjoyed myself, though I kinda knew I would.

Instead of looking at it as a way to meet THE guy, I kept an open mind.

I was going out on a Thursday night.

I wore a new outfit.

I love talking to strangers.

I make new friends easily.

Win-win situation really.

I did get chatting to an occupational therapist for a big chunk of the night and when he left without saying goodbye, or swapping numbers with me, I took a beat.

I was bummed, but it wasn't meant to be. The right guy will want my number and want to see me again. Simple as that.

This guy didn't and that's okay.

Instead, I focused on the great night out I'd had.

I made friends with a lovely lady - exchanged numbers - how old school. She asked if I wanted to grab dinner before the next mixer and that brought me joy.

I think if we can break down the big goals into smaller ones it gives us the opportunity to find little pockets of joy in moments when we're not looking for it.

Imagine how much joy we can experience if we take the pressure off ourselves. Off others. Off situations. Off jobs. Off friends.

Boyfriend privileges

Have you heard of the boyfriend and husband privileges theory?

There are certain things you shouldn't do unless they are your boyfriend or husband.

For example, picking them up from the airport, cooking them an elaborate meal, buying birthday presents, using pet names, helping them pick out what to wear, changing your plans for them, posting pics together. The list is long.

These are gestures some would say are only reserved for someone who is your boyfriend or husband.

I've found myself giving someone boyfriend privileges when they are far from it. Not sure they are even in the same postcode.

And the realisation hit hard.

I'm a caring person and like looking after others - sometimes to my own detriment.

Who is looking out for me? Cooking me dinners? Changing their plans for me? Wanting to hear about my day?

I have confused short-term lust for long-term commitment.

But that stops now.

I've known for a few years I want to get married (but no kids, thanks!). I also know I want the guy to make me a priority, think of me before he makes plans and wants to get out and explore with me.

I shouldn't feel like I don't deserve these normal things.

But somehow I do.

I always downplay my plans to get married (in the next two years please!). I make a joke about it. But I am deadly serious.

I need to stop sitting on the sidelines and get in the game. No one else is going to do it for me.

I'm my biggest advocate, but also biggest critic.

I am ready to feel the magic of love again. It's been far too long.