Honesty is not always the best policy

I'm the first to tell a white lie, especially if you can spare someone's feelings in the process.

I had a first date recently and a second was on the cards - in fact it was locked in for one particular Sunday at 11am.

He'd suggested lawn bowls (it was in my bio) and I was very much looking forward to a game or two.

Hadn't played in 18 months and it's a rare sport (?!) that I'm quite good at.

We'd been messaging up until 7.15pm on the Friday night - everything was in place for the Sunday.

I received a text at 4.15pm on the Saturday which started with "Hey Barbara, I'm really sorry but..."

I didn't really need to read anymore, no texts starting like that end well.

The guy then proceeds to tell me he had a date last night and it's actually still going (like even he's surprised) and this was the first chance he'd had to message me.

He didn't plan this, thanks for my understanding (um...no, mate) and being amazing.

Look, yes I'm a great catch but spending four hours with me on a first date wouldn't have been long enough for him to see how "amazing" I was.

He said all this to make HIMSELF feel better. Not me.

I stopped myself from replying I wasn't understanding, but instead I said that's disappointing but I guess (?) thanks for being honest.

Look, I get he liked someone better than me.

That's not the issue I have here.

He didn't need to spell out he'd been on a date for the past 12+ hours (presumably they spent the night together).

We'd been messaging up until 7.15pm that night so he's messaged me planning the Sunday date before he went on another date.

I just think it was a dick move.

I've received a lot of questionable messages over my 8+ years of online dating and sharing my stories here.

Have to admit, this one hit for a six.

I was really sad and depleted the rest of the afternoon and even found myself heading to bed at 9.15pm on a Saturday night. I don't even go to bed that early on a school night!

I would have preferred he messaged me saying he'd enjoyed our first date but didn't see things going any further and wished me well.

I've said that before and will continue to let people down easily.

Afterall honesty is not always the best policy.

Jumping off the dating carousel

In case you are wondering - I did end up messaging that guy I talked about last time.

And as predicted, he wasn't looking for anything serious. In fact he was so happy with how his life was (at age 44) it didn't seem like he'd make any changes for anyone.

Or at least not me.

Either way, I wasn't hanging around for the chance he might change his mind.

I just wish he was honest and said look I've been enjoying spending time with you too, but I'm not looking for anything long-term and you deserve someone who can give you what you want.

Instead I got a long-winded reply that didn't say a lot.

Said he was time poor and was enjoying not having any pressure on himself "in this part of his life."

He feels expectations that are pedetermined are a recipe for disappointment as continuing relationships can be a test at the best of times.

Didn't sound like a guy ready to start a relationship.

I guess I was foolish to think he would tell me what I needed to hear and that was he liked me, but didn't like me.

Whatever this "thing" we had was, it wasn't serving me and I didn't need it in my life anymore.

I do find myself with more time now, not wondering if/when I'm going to see him.

I have absolute clarity my emotions aren't being toyed with by this guy anymore.

It's a good feeling.

Until I realise I'm back on the dating carousel wondering when I'm going to jump off for the last time.

Knowing your worth

I was talking to a friend on the phone tonight and I realised something I've known for awhile, but didn't want to admit.

I was telling her how I feel when I spend time with this guy I've been seeing (casually).

I explained when we do see each other it's amazing and all the other problems fade into the background.

I don't pretend to be anyone else - in fact I'm probably at my most comfortable with him and it's a pretty damn good feeling.

But that's only 5% of the time.

The other 95% is shit.

When he leaves, I don't know when I'm going to see him again, or even hear from him.

You see, he has a history of taking at least 24 hours to respond to a text from me.

And don't even get me started on him texting first.

I've been tossing up whether - and when - I'm going to talk to him about how I'm feeling for months now.

But then we see each other - have such a great time and my mind goes foggy with short-term memory loss.

But it's clearer tonight than it has been for months.

I'm putting my future long-term happiness in jeopardy for a short-term gain.

I was hoping by now it would have paid off.

But we know it rarely does.

So I have two options:

1. Wait until I hear from this guy again to organise a face-to-face catchup and tell him in person - keeping in mind it's likely to be a number of weeks

2. Sleep on it for a few nights and carefully craft a message to him

I know in my gut it's going to be option 2.

For a number of reasons.

I can't wait that long - who knows when I'll actually hear from him?

Secondly, my dad has always said there's three types of people.

Those who watch things happen.

Those who make things happen.

And those who wondered what the hell just happened.

Now I've always been in the second category.

I don't wait around for things to change - I get out there and make the change myself.

Whether that's moving cities because things just weren't working or quitting a job because I no longer found joy in it.

The only difference this time is it's taken me a number of months to see what's right in front of me.

I deserve so much better than this.

Dating profile fails

Let me start off by telling you how disillusioned I am about online dating.

Keep in mind I've been writing this blog for more than eight years so it's fair to say I'm qualified on the subject.

1 January 2022 ticked over and I vowed to re-join Bumble.

I'd read the first Sunday in January - called Dating Sunday - was the busiest day of the year for swiping so I figured you gotta be in it to win it.

However, seven days in and I'm already re-thinking my decision of putting myself back out there for another year of disappointment.

I've been bombarding a friend with screenshots of the ridiculous and downright bizarre things guys are looking for (at least writing in their profiles).

I am a sane, single, 41-year-old woman living in Brisbane looking for a long-term relationship.

But being faced with these laughable excuses for profiles (and potential suitors) I am not feeling optimistic with the start to 2022.

I need to get one thing straight.

I'm not looking for my better half or other half. I take offence to that.

I am already whole and don't need anybody else to complete me.

What I am looking for is an intellectual equal, who's nice, treats me well, has things in common with and can add to my already great life.

Let me give you a glimpse into what I am dealing with.

Here are some excerpts from profiles (what people are looking for in a partner):

• Making fun of stupid people
• Bitter sarcasm
• Listening to sad songs
• Taking my meds so the thing doesn't happen
• Staying on the wagon
• Anti-vaxxers - I'm hoping you aren't vaccinated. Red flag right there
• Not vanilla
• ENM/poly
• Looking for sensual adventures and more
• No jackhammering at this locale
• Looks are important, conversation is great, but it really is banter that lets panties run free

This my friends, is how my first seven days of 2022 played out.

Lord, give me strength.

The ghoster with the $339 sunnies

I'm 41 years old and I 've been ghosted. Again. But this time I got a pair of $339 sunglasses out of it.

The guy left his sunnies at my place the last time we'd seen each other. I assumed (as you do) I'd give them back to him when I saw him again.

But the days turned into a week, then two and I realised those sunglasses staring back at me on the dining table need to be out of my sight.

I hid them in a cupboard for a day, then was going to throw them out and decided to Google them first.

Good thing I did as they were OTIS sunglasses which have a special mineral lense and retails at $339.

I was telling a friend about them and she suggested I sell them on Marketplace. Hadn't thought of that!

Great idea, I mean, the least I can do is get a few hundred dollars from this shitty situation.

However, I made the mistake of telling my brother about them and he asked the brand and after telling him OTIS he was very excited. 

They're his preferred sunnies, he said, he didn't have any at the moment, he said.

My first response? "So this means I'm not going to get any money from selling them on Marketplace??!"

No.

My brother is now the proud owner of said sunnies (if he hasn't lost them already).

Meanwhile, I am left with the memories of yet another failed match on Bumble and dating in general..

I guess you want to know more about the guy though and not the sunglasses...

In my experience when something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

Once we matched on Bumble our messages were immediate and lasted sometimes hours each day.

It was like we were getting to know one another in real time, not having to wait hours for a reply.

We had a conversation back and forth for hours. The hours turned into days and we were soon planning our first date.

He is one of very few guys I've met whose photos don't do him justice. He was better looking in real life, which is always a relief.

The chemistry was there and we had no problem keeping the conversation going.

After the first date cracks appeared in his stories. 

During our initial messages he said he was living with his sister and would take over her unit when she moved at the end of the year.

He has a dog and also a daughter (which I knew about).

What he didn't mention was he was a 39-year-old man who was living at his parents' place and his mum looked after his dog, along with their own dogs.

He hadn't moved into his sister's place yet. For all I know, his mum did his laundry and made his bed!

After leaving his sunglasses at my place he went away for a week's work. I stupidly assumed we'd catch up when he got back (and he'd get his sunnies back).

But his messages were few and far between while he was away and as it got closer to when he was meant to be back, I was starting to have second thoughts I'd see him again.

He'd changed one of his profile photos, which didn't sit well with me. I know there's no law against it, it just meant he was still looking when I wasn't.

However, I decided not to put all my eggs in one basket so changed a couple of photos in my profile too, and starting swiping right again.

Now, I don't know if he saw my updated profile and got the shits or he was just a dick all along, but he blocked my phone number and closed his Bumble account while he was away.

Never saw, or heard from him again.

And my brother is now wearing his sunglasses. Gotta take some glee from that!

Not wanting kids and owning it

My last post about the sourdough guy lead to his post about owning not wanting kids.

You see, we were chatting, but he soon asked me the whole "why are you single without asking me why I'm single" question.

He got around it by saying it sounded like I hadn't had much luck with dates like him and why did I think that was?

It wasn't lost on me and I called him out saying I knew he was asking me why I was single without actually saying those words.

To be honest I don't really remember what I said - probably the usual rhetoric about not meeting the right person, blah blah blah.

I then said to him it was my turn to ask an awkward question. In his profile he says he wants kids and in mine it says I don't (I've finally owned not wanting kids in my profile) so I asked how he'd feel being with someone who didn't?

He admitted he'd seen that in my profile and he tells me how fussy he is and how he's decided to basically be with anyone for the time being (them wanting kids or not) until the right woman comes along.

Ummm, mate, I'm not going to keep the seat warm until "the one" turns up for you. I basically told him that.

Bye sourdough guy.

But, alas, this post isn't about him. It's about me at the age of 41 finally feeling comfortable enough to admit in my online dating profile I don't want kids. And I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm better than that.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't really ever wanted kids (except that time I thought I wanted to be a grandma.....anyway!) but I've always said 'open' to kids when the question popped up in my dating profiles.

I've been told the pool is considerably smaller for people like me. It didn't help either when I was early to mid 30s - who would want to date a woman (that young) who didn't want kids?

Shock, horror.

I've always been comfortable in my decision to not want kids - it's always been everyone else who it hasn't sit well with. 

But since I've embraced this life online I've felt much happier with myself.

Now I am seeing profiles of guys in their late 30s/early 40s who (usually) have kids and either want more or don't want more.

As far as I'm concerned it's a win-win. They already have kids and if they don't have anymore with another woman, they are okay with that.

The thing for me is they have to accept my decision.

I'm not closing the door all the way on having a child of my own, however I am 41 and the opportunities aren't really there.

I am open to dating guys with kids.

I think it's also helped to have met friends around my age who also don't want children - it's refreshing to be around them!

So here's to owning the things about us which don't always sit comfortably with others.

Don't let anyone else make you feel bad about your decisions in life.

Dipping my toes back in

I've had a little break from online dating, for a number of reasons.

Wasn't in the right head space to deal with continued rejection and I've just gotten jack of the lack of effort guys put in.

I'm not sure if my tolerance is lower or their effort is less than it used to be - either way I decided I didn't want to be part of it.

But as time passed I haven't meet anyone in real life and I'm as single as I've ever been....so against my better judgement, have gone back online.

Nothing beats the euphoria of joining up (again?) for the first time - you are presented with the creme dela creme of guys and all of a sudden you think yep, I've made the right decision!

I went into a likes and comments frenzy within the first 15 minutes of joining then was told I used up all my likes for that day and needed to wait until tomorrow.

While I waited for more likes to land, I also waited for all the guys' replies to flood in. And waited and waited.

I went to bed and woke up to one of the guys throwing it back at me - inviting me to start the conversation. You can do that if you don't want to make the first move.

However I'd already sent him a comment on his photo so one could say I'd already made the first move.

I considered not starting the conversation (officially) because he wanted ME to do it. Then I realised I was being petty and remembered I wasn't meeting anyone staying at home so sucked it up and sent him a message.

He replied a little while later and we've sent a few messages back and forth.

Turns out his MO for dates is to invite the girl over, they make bread dough together (cute), then go out for dinner and return and cook the bread and she walks away with a fresh loaf of goodness. Seems like a good deal.

I know there's a joke in here about buns in the oven....!

Anyway, we'll see what happens and I will take it one message at a time.

A shout out to all of you trying to meet someone during a pandemic. Hang in there, we're bound to come out the other end sooner or later.