Not wanting kids and owning it

My last post about the sourdough guy lead to his post about owning not wanting kids.

You see, we were chatting, but he soon asked me the whole "why are you single without asking me why I'm single" question.

He got around it by saying it sounded like I hadn't had much luck with dates like him and why did I think that was?

It wasn't lost on me and I called him out saying I knew he was asking me why I was single without actually saying those words.

To be honest I don't really remember what I said - probably the usual rhetoric about not meeting the right person, blah blah blah.

I then said to him it was my turn to ask an awkward question. In his profile he says he wants kids and in mine it says I don't (I've finally owned not wanting kids in my profile) so I asked how he'd feel being with someone who didn't?

He admitted he'd seen that in my profile and he tells me how fussy he is and how he's decided to basically be with anyone for the time being (them wanting kids or not) until the right woman comes along.

Ummm, mate, I'm not going to keep the seat warm until "the one" turns up for you. I basically told him that.

Bye sourdough guy.

But, alas, this post isn't about him. It's about me at the age of 41 finally feeling comfortable enough to admit in my online dating profile I don't want kids. And I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm better than that.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't really ever wanted kids (except that time I thought I wanted to be a grandma.....anyway!) but I've always said 'open' to kids when the question popped up in my dating profiles.

I've been told the pool is considerably smaller for people like me. It didn't help either when I was early to mid 30s - who would want to date a woman (that young) who didn't want kids?

Shock, horror.

I've always been comfortable in my decision to not want kids - it's always been everyone else who it hasn't sit well with. 

But since I've embraced this life online I've felt much happier with myself.

Now I am seeing profiles of guys in their late 30s/early 40s who (usually) have kids and either want more or don't want more.

As far as I'm concerned it's a win-win. They already have kids and if they don't have anymore with another woman, they are okay with that.

The thing for me is they have to accept my decision.

I'm not closing the door all the way on having a child of my own, however I am 41 and the opportunities aren't really there.

I am open to dating guys with kids.

I think it's also helped to have met friends around my age who also don't want children - it's refreshing to be around them!

So here's to owning the things about us which don't always sit comfortably with others.

Don't let anyone else make you feel bad about your decisions in life.

Dipping my toes back in

I've had a little break from online dating, for a number of reasons.

Wasn't in the right head space to deal with continued rejection and I've just gotten jack of the lack of effort guys put in.

I'm not sure if my tolerance is lower or their effort is less than it used to be - either way I decided I didn't want to be part of it.

But as time passed I haven't meet anyone in real life and I'm as single as I've ever been....so against my better judgement, have gone back online.

Nothing beats the euphoria of joining up (again?) for the first time - you are presented with the creme dela creme of guys and all of a sudden you think yep, I've made the right decision!

I went into a likes and comments frenzy within the first 15 minutes of joining then was told I used up all my likes for that day and needed to wait until tomorrow.

While I waited for more likes to land, I also waited for all the guys' replies to flood in. And waited and waited.

I went to bed and woke up to one of the guys throwing it back at me - inviting me to start the conversation. You can do that if you don't want to make the first move.

However I'd already sent him a comment on his photo so one could say I'd already made the first move.

I considered not starting the conversation (officially) because he wanted ME to do it. Then I realised I was being petty and remembered I wasn't meeting anyone staying at home so sucked it up and sent him a message.

He replied a little while later and we've sent a few messages back and forth.

Turns out his MO for dates is to invite the girl over, they make bread dough together (cute), then go out for dinner and return and cook the bread and she walks away with a fresh loaf of goodness. Seems like a good deal.

I know there's a joke in here about buns in the oven....!

Anyway, we'll see what happens and I will take it one message at a time.

A shout out to all of you trying to meet someone during a pandemic. Hang in there, we're bound to come out the other end sooner or later.

Ghosting and gaslighting wrapped up in the one guy

I know many of you were excited about my last post on my great first date (as I was!) but I'm sad to say this one didn't end well.

I went on a second date with that guy I wrote about two days after the first date and it was really good but the cracks started to appear.

He was unresponsive on text - would take at least 24-48 hours to acknowledge or reply. I even messaged him on his birthday early that morning and it took him two-and-a-half days to reply.

No matter how much you do or don't like someone, basic manners should prevail.

If he wasn't interested, he should have done the decent thing and told me, instead he strung me along on five dates over eight weeks.

I called him out on his behaviour a couple of times (the length of time it took him to confirm his plans or availability) but for some reason I hung in there.

I think because when we did see each other I had a really great time and it almost made up for the other stuff. Almost...

Apart from the usual dinner and drinks we also spent a Sunday afternoon bush walking which made me think this wasn't just something casual for him (or me).

Why bother with any niceties if he wasn't interested?

Trying to get into the psyche of his mind (or any guy's) is a waste of my time.

At no stage did he understand where I was coming from.

It was completely normal (and acceptable) for him not to instigate texts with me or reply in an acceptable time frame (I'd say within a few hours isn't too much to ask, or after work at the latest).

If you like someone, you make time for them.

Our last communication was him cancelling one afternoon at 2pm before we were supposed to see each other a few hours later.

The excuse was genuine (he had to look after his daughter), but instead of rescheduling, I just got the 'I'll let you know when I'm free' spiel.

I'm still waiting....

This is when I decided to stop messaging him - he clearly wasn't putting any effort in with me so why should I bother?

A day went by, then a few days, then a week.

To be honest I didn't realise straight away he was ghosting me (remember, this guy would take a week or more to message) but when it did I felt like such an idiot.

How is it possible at the age of 40 I'm still being ghosted?

Couldn't believe it.

After five weeks (once the anger has passed) I sent him a text - wanted him to know it wasn't cool to ghost me and the decent thing was to tell me he wasn't interested and I deserved to be treated better.

I felt better after I did it. I secretly knew he'd reply - afterall he always had, just not within my accepted time frame.

The next day I got a message asking if it was me, his phone had died weeks ago and lost all his numbers.

Was very defensive and said think what you like, he's not the ghosting kind of person 

Then proceeded to say he'd had this (new) phone for awhile now and he figured if I didn't hit him up again then I wasn't interested in him that way (hello gaslighting).

He said that was cool and he could accept that as it was only early in meeting each other.

He did say he was guilty of not coming around to see me after he broke his phone and he did feel bad. I deserved to be treated better.

Then it turned weird and quite sexual.

He should have just stopped at you deserve to be treated better.

Because I do.

Great first dates

All these years I've been going on dates with the wrong guys. Until now.

I've finally had a first date which is now the standard I expect (and set) when meeting someone for the first time.

This guy made me feel like his intellectual equal. Which I should have been looking for all along, but that's for another day (and another blog post).

We discussed latest news (love), politics (what did I think of New Zealand PM Jacinda Ardern? He breathed a sign of relief when I said I liked her) and of course our dating stories (I soon found out his "bad" dates had nothing on mine).

I'm also big on what someone wears on a first date - first impressions count, and so they should. You might remember my recent date with a hoodie-wearing guy 

This guy was the best dressed I've had for a first date - he wore dress slacks, dress shoes and a long sleeved shirt rolled up (nothing sexier!).

He was a gentleman the whole way.

He was running late and encouraged me to order a drink while I waited (he'd have what I was having).

I was mid-way through ordering a cocktail when he did arrive and his "make that two!" to the waitress surprised me - I'd never been on a date with a guy who enjoyed cocktails, or better still, was keen to go one for one with me.

Our conversation was natural, there weren't awkward silences and before long we were comfortable enough to share our dating stories.

(Note to self, I really should stop sharing mine!)

I quickly realised his weren't as prolific as mine and his "bad" dates came nowhere near what I've experienced in my almost eight years of writing this blog.

It's hard to put into words how much this was a grown up date and it was like my eyes had finally opened and now I knew the types I guys I needed to attract.

I was on a date with a "man" and not a "boy" as I have been so many dates before this.

We shared a few starters, had a few more cocktails and before I knew it almost four hours had passed!

Neither was ready for the night to end so we went for a walk around South Bank and shared a few kisses under the night sky.

As midnight approached we both decided it was time to leave, me calling an Uber and he wondering if any trains were still running.

My Uber arrived quicker than expected (don't they always when you don't want them to??).

I got his number as we'd still been messaging each other on Bumble.

You can't beat the exhilaration you feel when you're on your way home after a great first date. There's nothing like it.

You play it over in your head until your head hits the pillow and even then it's the first thing you think about when you wake.

For once it was a great first date and a great guy.

Here's to more like it!

He's Just Not That Into You (Me)

A number of weeks after my last chat with the matchmaking company I get a call telling me they have a match for me.

I wasn't very excited and didn't hold much hope after their three failed matches.

But I put on a brave face and headed out on a Friday night to meet this guy.

He was cute (enough), dark haired which I don't usually go for.

The setting wasn't great - it was a brewery in the 'burbs and there were kids running around while their parents were oblivious.

But as night fell, the kids (and parents) retired and left us in peace.

It took a good hour for me to relax and feel comfortable around this guy.

The more we chatted the more I realised we were both problem children with the matchmaking company so they thought it best to match us.

You see, we wouldn't have been matched under normal circumstances. He paid top price for his subscription which means the matchmakers were looking at all the female profiles for him.

Whereas I paid the base rate and should only have been matched with guys who paid the same.

But...turns out we'd both complained about the poor matchmaking so much they decided to put us together. 

And it worked...for a short time.

The first date lasted a few hours. He walked me to the car, we both agreed we'd had a good time and were keen to catch up again.

There weren't sparks (these can be overrated) but thought I'd give him a go - afterall they matched us for a reason, right?

Over the next week we were messaging and talking each day (something I don't usually do - talk on the phone with guys I don't know well).

He seemed really genuine. He was the type to send me a message to say he was thinking about me. And it wasn't just a line.

I'd been keen to try a new axe throwing place (yep, you read right) so suggested it for a second date the following week.

Turns out we both had the Friday night free before our axe throwing so I went to his place to watch scary movies (as you do).

Had a good night, I stayed and when I left the next morning he was acting a little off.

We were catching up again to go axe throwing, which we did, but he was still a little off.

The next night I get a very long-winded text telling me he had to be honest with me, he wasn't feeling the attraction, wished he felt different. Said we had great chemistry and got along like a house on fire and could talk for crazy amounts of time but he didn't feel what he was looking for.

And it goes on and on and on.

Said he didn't use me to sleep with me because that couldn't be further from the truth but women always seem to think that.

(Sounds like his M-O).

But that's not the best part. Think my favourite part was when he said he was happy to answer any questions I might have about why he feels like this but at the end of the day he's looking to be happy just like everyone else. He wasn't out to hurt people.

Sounded like he was on a judging panel - happy to answer any questions the audience had.

It took my better judgement not to reply to his message. Didn't acknowledge it all together.

And that my friends, sums up my matchmaking experience.

It'll be fun they said

After three pretty unsuccessful matchmaker dates I decided to call it quits on the last match.

They had done such a terrible job with the others I didn't have any confidence the last one would be any better.

I explained the disappointment I had in their service - I'd spent almost $1000 for four dates over six months and none of the matches came close to what I was looking for.

I told them I could have found better matches myself online dating and I had put hope in their hands.

I think that's what it came down to for me. I was handing over the reins to someone else to find me my perfect match.

And they failed miserably.

The lady I spoke to basically said I was that "difficult" age to match - I was 40, didn't have any children and unlikely wanted any myself.

This combined made it difficult for them to match me.

They had tried to set me up with a 47-year-old balding guy who had a stutter.

Don't get me wrong, any of these things would be okay (apart from the age) but when you put them together it's not the most attractive package.

Guys younger than me who still wanted children would look at my age and be concerned a) I didn't want children or b) I would be too old by the time we had them.

I had an issue being matched with someone so old - I couldn't see myself with a 47-year-old.

We were in a predicament. One could say a standoff.

They tell me I should be looking for someone seven years older (would have been nice to have known this before I signed up...).

Their reasoning was at 47 the guy would either have his own kids or simply wouldn't want any.

They didn't consider I didn't want to be matched with this person.

I am 40 years old and single and this is the best option I'm given by the matchmaker.

I was facing an all-time low in my dating life and for once I wasn't to blame for poor choices.

We came to a mutual understanding - they knew how I felt about the bad matches and I knew it was going to be a tough ask for them to match me with someone decent.

What have I got to lose, I thought?

Why not try one last time?

It'll be fun they said.

We'll see...

A hoodie and running shoes won't get the girl

My first thought was I was so glad I didn't curl my hair for this guy.

Hold on, let me set the scene for you...

It's my second matchmaker date and my hopes are high - they'd done such a dismal job with the first two I was hoping they would redeem themselves.

But my first impression of this third guy didn't get much better from my first reaction.

We agree to meet at the Wheel of Brisbane at South Bank and when I arrive I walk up to the closest guy asking if he was the guy I'm meeting - no he was not.

How embarrassing! This has never happened before (probably because I've seen photos of the guy I know I'm meeting. This is not the case with the matchmaker dates).

I look around and see a much better looking guy (phew)! so I walk up and ask if he is the guy I'm meeting - no. To which he says it must be a popular night for dates.

Surely I didn't get it wrong, again?

I look around for the third time to see a guy I wouldn't have swiped right on.

I walk up to him, sheepishly, and ask if it's him (hoping he's not). He is. Fuck.

After I look at his grey hoodie and running shoes I think to myself I am so glad I didn't curl my hair for this guy.

I mean, I was date ready, but clearly he wasn't.

Maaaate, if you think a hoodie and running shoes is going to get the girls, you've got another think coming.

No to mention the matchmaker said they teach guys what to wear on dates/how to act. This guy clearly didn't the memo.

He was also supposed to have planned the date and booked somewhere (he didn't) so I suggest an Italian place at South Bank in Brisbane.

Instead of going for a casual drink first, I find myself sitting down eating gnocchi at 6.30pm drinking water.

What happened?

Conversation wasn't flowing; I was asking questions, but to be honest, didn't care for the answers.

This guy had worked one job in his adult life and had gone on his first overseas holidays only six months before.

I've done quite a bit of overseas travel and would like my partner to as well (and would hope we would travel together, when borders open).

I got the feeling this guy and I weren't at the same stages in life. He was (only) a couple of years younger than me but he seemed worlds away from what I was looking for in a guy.

I want someone to challenge me, to stand up to me and get out and do stuff with.

This guy didn't have any oomph in him. He couldn't even put any effort into organising a first date.

I don't want to spend time with someone like that.

Another match bites the dust. Let's see how the last one goes.