Dating profile fails

Let me start off by telling you how disillusioned I am about online dating.

Keep in mind I've been writing this blog for more than eight years so it's fair to say I'm qualified on the subject.

1 January 2022 ticked over and I vowed to re-join Bumble.

I'd read the first Sunday in January - called Dating Sunday - was the busiest day of the year for swiping so I figured you gotta be in it to win it.

However, seven days in and I'm already re-thinking my decision of putting myself back out there for another year of disappointment.

I've been bombarding a friend with screenshots of the ridiculous and downright bizarre things guys are looking for (at least writing in their profiles).

I am a sane, single, 41-year-old woman living in Brisbane looking for a long-term relationship.

But being faced with these laughable excuses for profiles (and potential suitors) I am not feeling optimistic with the start to 2022.

I need to get one thing straight.

I'm not looking for my better half or other half. I take offence to that.

I am already whole and don't need anybody else to complete me.

What I am looking for is an intellectual equal, who's nice, treats me well, has things in common with and can add to my already great life.

Let me give you a glimpse into what I am dealing with.

Here are some excerpts from profiles (what people are looking for in a partner):

• Making fun of stupid people
• Bitter sarcasm
• Listening to sad songs
• Taking my meds so the thing doesn't happen
• Staying on the wagon
• Anti-vaxxers - I'm hoping you aren't vaccinated. Red flag right there
• Not vanilla
• ENM/poly
• Looking for sensual adventures and more
• No jackhammering at this locale
• Looks are important, conversation is great, but it really is banter that lets panties run free

This my friends, is how my first seven days of 2022 played out.

Lord, give me strength.

The ghoster with the $339 sunnies

I'm 41 years old and I 've been ghosted. Again. But this time I got a pair of $339 sunglasses out of it.

The guy left his sunnies at my place the last time we'd seen each other. I assumed (as you do) I'd give them back to him when I saw him again.

But the days turned into a week, then two and I realised those sunglasses staring back at me on the dining table need to be out of my sight.

I hid them in a cupboard for a day, then was going to throw them out and decided to Google them first.

Good thing I did as they were OTIS sunglasses which have a special mineral lense and retails at $339.

I was telling a friend about them and she suggested I sell them on Marketplace. Hadn't thought of that!

Great idea, I mean, the least I can do is get a few hundred dollars from this shitty situation.

However, I made the mistake of telling my brother about them and he asked the brand and after telling him OTIS he was very excited. 

They're his preferred sunnies, he said, he didn't have any at the moment, he said.

My first response? "So this means I'm not going to get any money from selling them on Marketplace??!"

No.

My brother is now the proud owner of said sunnies (if he hasn't lost them already).

Meanwhile, I am left with the memories of yet another failed match on Bumble and dating in general..

I guess you want to know more about the guy though and not the sunglasses...

In my experience when something seems too good to be true, it usually is.

Once we matched on Bumble our messages were immediate and lasted sometimes hours each day.

It was like we were getting to know one another in real time, not having to wait hours for a reply.

We had a conversation back and forth for hours. The hours turned into days and we were soon planning our first date.

He is one of very few guys I've met whose photos don't do him justice. He was better looking in real life, which is always a relief.

The chemistry was there and we had no problem keeping the conversation going.

After the first date cracks appeared in his stories. 

During our initial messages he said he was living with his sister and would take over her unit when she moved at the end of the year.

He has a dog and also a daughter (which I knew about).

What he didn't mention was he was a 39-year-old man who was living at his parents' place and his mum looked after his dog, along with their own dogs.

He hadn't moved into his sister's place yet. For all I know, his mum did his laundry and made his bed!

After leaving his sunglasses at my place he went away for a week's work. I stupidly assumed we'd catch up when he got back (and he'd get his sunnies back).

But his messages were few and far between while he was away and as it got closer to when he was meant to be back, I was starting to have second thoughts I'd see him again.

He'd changed one of his profile photos, which didn't sit well with me. I know there's no law against it, it just meant he was still looking when I wasn't.

However, I decided not to put all my eggs in one basket so changed a couple of photos in my profile too, and starting swiping right again.

Now, I don't know if he saw my updated profile and got the shits or he was just a dick all along, but he blocked my phone number and closed his Bumble account while he was away.

Never saw, or heard from him again.

And my brother is now wearing his sunglasses. Gotta take some glee from that!

Not wanting kids and owning it

My last post about the sourdough guy lead to his post about owning not wanting kids.

You see, we were chatting, but he soon asked me the whole "why are you single without asking me why I'm single" question.

He got around it by saying it sounded like I hadn't had much luck with dates like him and why did I think that was?

It wasn't lost on me and I called him out saying I knew he was asking me why I was single without actually saying those words.

To be honest I don't really remember what I said - probably the usual rhetoric about not meeting the right person, blah blah blah.

I then said to him it was my turn to ask an awkward question. In his profile he says he wants kids and in mine it says I don't (I've finally owned not wanting kids in my profile) so I asked how he'd feel being with someone who didn't?

He admitted he'd seen that in my profile and he tells me how fussy he is and how he's decided to basically be with anyone for the time being (them wanting kids or not) until the right woman comes along.

Ummm, mate, I'm not going to keep the seat warm until "the one" turns up for you. I basically told him that.

Bye sourdough guy.

But, alas, this post isn't about him. It's about me at the age of 41 finally feeling comfortable enough to admit in my online dating profile I don't want kids. And I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm better than that.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't really ever wanted kids (except that time I thought I wanted to be a grandma.....anyway!) but I've always said 'open' to kids when the question popped up in my dating profiles.

I've been told the pool is considerably smaller for people like me. It didn't help either when I was early to mid 30s - who would want to date a woman (that young) who didn't want kids?

Shock, horror.

I've always been comfortable in my decision to not want kids - it's always been everyone else who it hasn't sit well with. 

But since I've embraced this life online I've felt much happier with myself.

Now I am seeing profiles of guys in their late 30s/early 40s who (usually) have kids and either want more or don't want more.

As far as I'm concerned it's a win-win. They already have kids and if they don't have anymore with another woman, they are okay with that.

The thing for me is they have to accept my decision.

I'm not closing the door all the way on having a child of my own, however I am 41 and the opportunities aren't really there.

I am open to dating guys with kids.

I think it's also helped to have met friends around my age who also don't want children - it's refreshing to be around them!

So here's to owning the things about us which don't always sit comfortably with others.

Don't let anyone else make you feel bad about your decisions in life.

Dipping my toes back in

I've had a little break from online dating, for a number of reasons.

Wasn't in the right head space to deal with continued rejection and I've just gotten jack of the lack of effort guys put in.

I'm not sure if my tolerance is lower or their effort is less than it used to be - either way I decided I didn't want to be part of it.

But as time passed I haven't meet anyone in real life and I'm as single as I've ever been....so against my better judgement, have gone back online.

Nothing beats the euphoria of joining up (again?) for the first time - you are presented with the creme dela creme of guys and all of a sudden you think yep, I've made the right decision!

I went into a likes and comments frenzy within the first 15 minutes of joining then was told I used up all my likes for that day and needed to wait until tomorrow.

While I waited for more likes to land, I also waited for all the guys' replies to flood in. And waited and waited.

I went to bed and woke up to one of the guys throwing it back at me - inviting me to start the conversation. You can do that if you don't want to make the first move.

However I'd already sent him a comment on his photo so one could say I'd already made the first move.

I considered not starting the conversation (officially) because he wanted ME to do it. Then I realised I was being petty and remembered I wasn't meeting anyone staying at home so sucked it up and sent him a message.

He replied a little while later and we've sent a few messages back and forth.

Turns out his MO for dates is to invite the girl over, they make bread dough together (cute), then go out for dinner and return and cook the bread and she walks away with a fresh loaf of goodness. Seems like a good deal.

I know there's a joke in here about buns in the oven....!

Anyway, we'll see what happens and I will take it one message at a time.

A shout out to all of you trying to meet someone during a pandemic. Hang in there, we're bound to come out the other end sooner or later.

Ghosting and gaslighting wrapped up in the one guy

I know many of you were excited about my last post on my great first date (as I was!) but I'm sad to say this one didn't end well.

I went on a second date with that guy I wrote about two days after the first date and it was really good but the cracks started to appear.

He was unresponsive on text - would take at least 24-48 hours to acknowledge or reply. I even messaged him on his birthday early that morning and it took him two-and-a-half days to reply.

No matter how much you do or don't like someone, basic manners should prevail.

If he wasn't interested, he should have done the decent thing and told me, instead he strung me along on five dates over eight weeks.

I called him out on his behaviour a couple of times (the length of time it took him to confirm his plans or availability) but for some reason I hung in there.

I think because when we did see each other I had a really great time and it almost made up for the other stuff. Almost...

Apart from the usual dinner and drinks we also spent a Sunday afternoon bush walking which made me think this wasn't just something casual for him (or me).

Why bother with any niceties if he wasn't interested?

Trying to get into the psyche of his mind (or any guy's) is a waste of my time.

At no stage did he understand where I was coming from.

It was completely normal (and acceptable) for him not to instigate texts with me or reply in an acceptable time frame (I'd say within a few hours isn't too much to ask, or after work at the latest).

If you like someone, you make time for them.

Our last communication was him cancelling one afternoon at 2pm before we were supposed to see each other a few hours later.

The excuse was genuine (he had to look after his daughter), but instead of rescheduling, I just got the 'I'll let you know when I'm free' spiel.

I'm still waiting....

This is when I decided to stop messaging him - he clearly wasn't putting any effort in with me so why should I bother?

A day went by, then a few days, then a week.

To be honest I didn't realise straight away he was ghosting me (remember, this guy would take a week or more to message) but when it did I felt like such an idiot.

How is it possible at the age of 40 I'm still being ghosted?

Couldn't believe it.

After five weeks (once the anger has passed) I sent him a text - wanted him to know it wasn't cool to ghost me and the decent thing was to tell me he wasn't interested and I deserved to be treated better.

I felt better after I did it. I secretly knew he'd reply - afterall he always had, just not within my accepted time frame.

The next day I got a message asking if it was me, his phone had died weeks ago and lost all his numbers.

Was very defensive and said think what you like, he's not the ghosting kind of person 

Then proceeded to say he'd had this (new) phone for awhile now and he figured if I didn't hit him up again then I wasn't interested in him that way (hello gaslighting).

He said that was cool and he could accept that as it was only early in meeting each other.

He did say he was guilty of not coming around to see me after he broke his phone and he did feel bad. I deserved to be treated better.

Then it turned weird and quite sexual.

He should have just stopped at you deserve to be treated better.

Because I do.

Great first dates

All these years I've been going on dates with the wrong guys. Until now.

I've finally had a first date which is now the standard I expect (and set) when meeting someone for the first time.

This guy made me feel like his intellectual equal. Which I should have been looking for all along, but that's for another day (and another blog post).

We discussed latest news (love), politics (what did I think of New Zealand PM Jacinda Ardern? He breathed a sign of relief when I said I liked her) and of course our dating stories (I soon found out his "bad" dates had nothing on mine).

I'm also big on what someone wears on a first date - first impressions count, and so they should. You might remember my recent date with a hoodie-wearing guy 

This guy was the best dressed I've had for a first date - he wore dress slacks, dress shoes and a long sleeved shirt rolled up (nothing sexier!).

He was a gentleman the whole way.

He was running late and encouraged me to order a drink while I waited (he'd have what I was having).

I was mid-way through ordering a cocktail when he did arrive and his "make that two!" to the waitress surprised me - I'd never been on a date with a guy who enjoyed cocktails, or better still, was keen to go one for one with me.

Our conversation was natural, there weren't awkward silences and before long we were comfortable enough to share our dating stories.

(Note to self, I really should stop sharing mine!)

I quickly realised his weren't as prolific as mine and his "bad" dates came nowhere near what I've experienced in my almost eight years of writing this blog.

It's hard to put into words how much this was a grown up date and it was like my eyes had finally opened and now I knew the types I guys I needed to attract.

I was on a date with a "man" and not a "boy" as I have been so many dates before this.

We shared a few starters, had a few more cocktails and before I knew it almost four hours had passed!

Neither was ready for the night to end so we went for a walk around South Bank and shared a few kisses under the night sky.

As midnight approached we both decided it was time to leave, me calling an Uber and he wondering if any trains were still running.

My Uber arrived quicker than expected (don't they always when you don't want them to??).

I got his number as we'd still been messaging each other on Bumble.

You can't beat the exhilaration you feel when you're on your way home after a great first date. There's nothing like it.

You play it over in your head until your head hits the pillow and even then it's the first thing you think about when you wake.

For once it was a great first date and a great guy.

Here's to more like it!

He's Just Not That Into You (Me)

A number of weeks after my last chat with the matchmaking company I get a call telling me they have a match for me.

I wasn't very excited and didn't hold much hope after their three failed matches.

But I put on a brave face and headed out on a Friday night to meet this guy.

He was cute (enough), dark haired which I don't usually go for.

The setting wasn't great - it was a brewery in the 'burbs and there were kids running around while their parents were oblivious.

But as night fell, the kids (and parents) retired and left us in peace.

It took a good hour for me to relax and feel comfortable around this guy.

The more we chatted the more I realised we were both problem children with the matchmaking company so they thought it best to match us.

You see, we wouldn't have been matched under normal circumstances. He paid top price for his subscription which means the matchmakers were looking at all the female profiles for him.

Whereas I paid the base rate and should only have been matched with guys who paid the same.

But...turns out we'd both complained about the poor matchmaking so much they decided to put us together. 

And it worked...for a short time.

The first date lasted a few hours. He walked me to the car, we both agreed we'd had a good time and were keen to catch up again.

There weren't sparks (these can be overrated) but thought I'd give him a go - afterall they matched us for a reason, right?

Over the next week we were messaging and talking each day (something I don't usually do - talk on the phone with guys I don't know well).

He seemed really genuine. He was the type to send me a message to say he was thinking about me. And it wasn't just a line.

I'd been keen to try a new axe throwing place (yep, you read right) so suggested it for a second date the following week.

Turns out we both had the Friday night free before our axe throwing so I went to his place to watch scary movies (as you do).

Had a good night, I stayed and when I left the next morning he was acting a little off.

We were catching up again to go axe throwing, which we did, but he was still a little off.

The next night I get a very long-winded text telling me he had to be honest with me, he wasn't feeling the attraction, wished he felt different. Said we had great chemistry and got along like a house on fire and could talk for crazy amounts of time but he didn't feel what he was looking for.

And it goes on and on and on.

Said he didn't use me to sleep with me because that couldn't be further from the truth but women always seem to think that.

(Sounds like his M-O).

But that's not the best part. Think my favourite part was when he said he was happy to answer any questions I might have about why he feels like this but at the end of the day he's looking to be happy just like everyone else. He wasn't out to hurt people.

Sounded like he was on a judging panel - happy to answer any questions the audience had.

It took my better judgement not to reply to his message. Didn't acknowledge it all together.

And that my friends, sums up my matchmaking experience.