Things aren't always as they seem

Things aren't always as they seem. They rarely are.

You see, the guy I've been happily blogging about hasn't actually been the person I've been happily blogging about.

As women, we try to make sense of what's happened. Did I miss the signs, did he really say those things or did I imagine it, was it me? Could I have done something differently?

The list is endless.

But this time (for once) I can hold my head high and know it wasn't my actions that changed, it was his.

I was my most authentic self I've ever been around a guy. This in itself can be quite confronting - not having someone continue to respond to your openness like they had previously.

I felt extremely comfortable sharing with him and talking to him about anything and he did the same with me.

That's what made him stand out from the other guys.

But something changed with his communication and he no longer felt comfortable to talk to me about it.

As you can imagine, this left me with a lot of questions. Many of which I still don't have the answer to.

Recently I had to fly back to Cairns unexpectedly and he was coming with me - had his flight booked and everything.

At the last minute, there was a family emergency and he couldn't come.

And by last minute, I mean 12 hours before we were flying.

During the four days I was home with my family, he wasn't there for me. I expected more, especially because the guy he'd shown me for the first few weeks of dating would have been there for me.

Once I got back to Brisbane, things were still off. 

He was preoccupied with family stuff. He didn't prioritise me or my needs.

Everything had changed with him and I started wondering what had happened.

One minute he's telling me I look cute in a selfie I sent him, the next he's dodging my calls and not responding to my text messages.

I was in a familiar place, once again.

One I thought I was never ever going back to.

Things were going at lightning speed for both us. He wasn't further along than me. He didn't love bomb me as some friends has suggested. We both saw each other together for the long-term.

But things changed and he no longer practiced what he preached. His actions no longer matched his words and it left me wondering where I stood in the relationship.

This is not something I ever want to find myself questioning, especially with him.

Things happen for a reason

I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason.

I don't always know why at the time, but eventually I do.

I've jumped headfirst into 2026. I've experienced the highs - and lows - over four weeks.

The thing I've been searching for for a long as I can remember is here.

And I couldn't be more surprised.

I've met someone who not only sees me for who I am and likes it, but is not afraid of the strong, independent woman I am.

In fact, that's one of the things that attracted him to me.

After awhile you start to believe the rhetoric you're told.

I'm too much.

I ask too many questions.

I shouldn't expect someone to text me back or call me back like I do.

I've somehow become that girl whose name flashes on the phone screen, but her calls and texts are never returned.

I've questioned myself time and time again. 

Am I asking too much of this guy?

Shouldn't he want to spend time with me?

I'm not needy, but I do have needs that haven't been met time and time again.

And I'm tired.

Rejection sucks.

It weighs you down, but it's never stopped me from believing I would finally get what I deserve and what I've been looking for for so long.

Ever heard the saying rejection is redirection?

I'm beginning to understand it now.

The one thing I've been craving is within reach.

Acceptance, understanding and unconditional love from a guy who has managed to see parts of me that I've never shown anyone. 

Never knew were even there.

In the past I never felt comfortable to let my guard down, but there's something about this guy that's so different.

The magic of love may have found me afterall.

Waiting

Waiting.

I'm not a patient person most of the time, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I've got all the time in the world.

Lord knows I've been writing my beloved blog for more than 12 years, still holding space - and hope - I will meet the guy I'm supposed to be with.

You have laughed, gasped, smiled and no doubt shook your heads reading some of my posts. Thank you for being here and sticking with me.

Friends have said "I don't know what I would do if I was single now. I don't know how you do it."

Shut up, please. Respectfully, shut up.

I do it over and over again because these are the cards I've been dealt and I need to accept that or not.

I chose to accept it many years ago.

Not having a boyfriend hasn't stopped me from living my life. I travel alone, go to gigs, movies, friend's big events - all alone because I don't want to miss out because I don't have my plus one.

I've always taken comfort knowing he is out there and I will meet him soon.

The more work I've done on myself, the more I started to believe this dream would become a reality.

It only takes one to change everything.

The magic of love wasn't as out of reach as I once thought.

Familiar pair of jeans

I recently got a taste of what a relationship might look like with someone I've known for almost five years.

Timing was never right with us. Or that's what I always kept telling myself. 

He wouldn't/couldn't/didn't commit. I always wanted him to. We'd go 'round in circles repeating these habits. 

Yet time and time again we'd find ourselves gravitating towards each other again. And each time I was hoping it would work out differently. 

Each time it didn't. 

Until the most recent time. 

I had hope. I knew there was something between us that was more than a situationship as everyone had labelled it. 

Things were smooth sailing.

For three weeks.

Shortest honeymoon period I've ever had.

Slowly my self-doubts crept back in like a familiar pair of jeans. They look good, but you know the fit just isn't right.

We'd been here before and I knew how it was going to play out. 

He didn't return my calls, didn't respond to text messages. Looked at photos I sent, but still didn't contact me. 

The old feelings of uncomfortableness once again swept over me. 

Oddly familiar as we've been here before, but at the same time I was hoping we were done with this. 

Not communicating our needs with other. Not truly saying how we felt. Letting the other person go because you knew you couldn't give them what they want. 

I know this isn't the state I want to live in – constantly wondering if he's going to return my calls – hell, answer them in the first place – reply to messages or even message me first. 

This isn't the basis of a solid relationship, or even friendship. 

The constant state of not knowing where you stand isn't good for anybody. 

I know that. 

I also need to finish this last chapter with us.

I need to close the book for the last time.

If he won’t give me closure, I’ll take it for myself.

Uncertainty

When you feel you're on the cusp of something great there's always a niggling feeling in the back of your mind. 

Is this really happening? Will it last this time? Is the universe testing me? Am I imagining this? Will it be different this time?

So many questions (always!).

You're always torn between living in the moment and wondering whether this will last, or whether it was put in your path to test you. 

Don't get me wrong, I love living in lala land occasionally, but reality always creeps back in. 

Always does. 

Then you start to question whether this is the state of being you're supposed to enjoy?

But how can you enjoy the uncertainty of things?

No guarantees in life - I get that - but there can be certainties with some things in your life. 

You make plans to see friends, you catch up, share food, drinks, stories and realise this is where you're supposed to be. 

No guessing. No wondering. You know the outcome and you come back for more every time. 

There at some uncertainties you can't avoid. 

Leaving the washing on the line, hoping it doesn't rain while you're out. 

Finding a carpark in a busy shopping centre. 

Hoping your favourite pretzel will still be at the shop at the end of the day. 

The last treat at the office morning tea.

Catching the lift before the doors close. 

Some of these things are just a tad bit exciting. 

But the uncertainty of love and finding your person?

That's not always as exhilarating.

How I'd like to be remembered

I often think about what would be written on my tombstone.

The key things about me I'd want people to remember me by.

She loved to go the movies and gigs

Made friends easily; always spoke her mind

Never met a matchy-matchy outfit she didn't love (hello earrings!)

Not everyone's cup of tea

Loyal to a fault, always had high expectations of others, and herself

Loved to talk about the weather

Didn't play well with others

Natural blonde.

A friend gave me a small bag a few Christmases ago and on it read: you are my cup of tea.

Never a truer word was spoken. This hit me - she knows me well.

I think about the tombstone messaging a lot actually - how would people remember me or how would I like them to remember me?

I don't waste time worrying about what people think of me usually; but I do think about my actions and being a good person to others.

Brave

I'm often told I'm brave and to be honest, I don't feel it and I'm kinda sick of hearing it.

The things I do come naturally to me.

Noone to go on holidays with? No worries, I'll go by myself.

An acquaintance cancels on a singles mixer? I've already bought my ticket, so let's go solo.

Not enjoying my job? I'll quit.

Nothing seems impossible or out of reach for me.

I don't limit what I can or can't do.

Growing up I was taught - ney told - I can do anything if I put my mind to it.

I've never placed restrictions on myself for what I want or what I can achieve.

I think not having a five or 10-year-plan has helped this. I'm not on any path to any type of life I've imagined for myself.

The only thing I can see in my future is being happily married, living in a house with my husband and my cat Millie. I've told you I'm easy to please!

I don't need a lot to be happy, but I do need to find the little pieces of joy in the things I do.