First Date Blues

It has been almost 17 months since I had my last first date.

For awhile there I was on a role with first dates - my problem was getting to the third date. Now I haven't even had one first date.

True, I was off the market for awhile (nine months) while I was seeing a guy, but that finished many, many months ago and I'm gun-shy to get back on the horse.

Not even sure how to ride, to be honest.

What came naturally to me for so long seems so far out of my reach right now.

I've lost my dating mojo.

The momentum is gone. The thrill of getting ready for a date is not there - hell - the thought of making small talk with someone does not interest me at all.

And I'm a former journalist!

I was talking to friends recently about the effort that's involved when online dating. I treat it like a hobby or a second job.

You need to invest time and energy (and sometimes money for the paid sites) for it to be any use to you at all.

I know the next few weeks will be the best time to get back on the horse. Dating sites prey on vulnerable people (women) this time of year.

Everyone is fresh from making new year's resolutions - a new you - and plans to find "the one".

I have no such notion, however there are usually good discounts on the paid sites so now is the time to take that leap.

But something is holding me back. When I figure out what it is I might just sign up again. I just might...

What I learnt about myself after my breakup

I have become a better person.

There, I said it. And you know what? I believe it too.

My recent breakup has helped me look at myself as well as who I was in the relationship and the reality was I didn't always like who that person was.

I think along the way my ex and I somehow lost who we were, individually, but also as a couple.

We started out great - fantastic actually. The amount of things we had in common was just the beginning. We both made each other laugh (a very important part of a relationship), found the humour in situations and enjoyed getting to know one another.

But, somehow, over those nine months we lost who we were. How did this happen? Why did this happen? I can't answer that.

Perhaps we went from 0-100 in a very short time (a thought I've had for awhile) and skipped those early stages and went straight to the married couple part?

Even though I've had plenty of time to think about it, I don't think I will ever really know what went wrong.

But since the breakup I've given a lot of thought to my part in it all. I wasn't an innocent bystander, by any means and I think up until the last few days I haven't wanted to own that.

An old friend of mine used to say denial isn't a river in Africa. I'm no longer in denial about my actions and I'm hoping this revelation will make it easier for me not to make the same mistakes again.

You can't change something until you realise it needs changing.

Remember, I can only own my part in the relationship breakdown.

Somehow I became "that" person. You know the one - telling someone they shouldn't eat this or drink that. It was like I had made the plans and he just had to follow. He didn't get any say.

Nobody likes being told what to do, least of all, me. Actually, I hate it.

So my resolution for my next relationship is not to make the same mistakes again (pretty obvious, huh?).

If I'd gone through this in my 20s (I've mentioned before about being in a serious relationship at 37) I would have learnt many relationship lessons and the guy now would reap the rewards.

Instead, the poor bugger was on this unfamiliar journey with me.

As a side note, I'm not in any way forgiving my ex's behaviour. In particular, what I would and wouldn't compromise on, which I have discussed before. These things still remain true.

I'm simply acknowledging my part in the relationship and what I need to do for the demise not to happen again.

Adulting really is hard some days.

Ours was a great love story

Ours started off as a great love story.

We had all the ingredients for a long, happy, life together. But as the cracks started to appear and our tolerance for each other waned, the writing, inevitably, was on the wall.

I can only tell you my side of the story.

I think because things started off so well I wanted to believe it would continue like that. But, unfortunately it didn't.

You see, my boyfriend thought he only needed to "put in an effort" for the first couple of months. Once he "got me", he didn't think he needed to make an effort anymore.

I thought otherwise and this, I guess, was our undoing.

He was more at home sitting on my couch looking at his phone or watching tv/Netflix rather than going on date nights, weekend drives or just spending time with me.

We used to do all these things, but that all changed.

Of course there was more to it than that, but I'm not getting into the nitty gritty.

We were no longer on the same page. We didn't share the same interests anymore, didn't want to spend our spare time together and it seemed we were more content being by ourselves, rather than with each other.

Those endearing qualities we both loved about each other (or tolerated) at the beginning of our relationship became a thorn in our sides.

A recent holiday to Tasmania was make or break for us. Spending 24/7 with someone really shows you what you're both made of.

Unfortunately we weren't made to be in a relationship with each other.

The impatience he had with me, particularly while we were away, was made more obvious because there was nowhere to escape. We spent just about every moment with each other.

I know he's always been extremely impatient, but it wasn't until that distain was aimed at me all day, every day, did I realise this wasn't the type of relationship I wanted to be in.

And believe me the irony is not lost on me that I ended up with someone who didn't give a shit about manners when he knew how important they were to me.

So we bid farewell and have gone our separate ways.

I won't lie, the first three weeks, particularly, were tough and it's only with the help of my close friends and family that got me through such a shitty time.

But I'll bounce back.

What doesn't break you only makes you stronger, right?

Compromise isn't a two-letter word

I never thought compromise would play such a big role in my first serious relationship. Well, ever.

But it has.

A question I've asked myself a lot over the past nine months is do I want to compromise on this, or that?

Am I being too selfish? Do I really need it done this way or should I do it his way or do what he wants?

For compromise to work, you both need to agree to do it. It's no good one of you doing it because you will end up resenting the other.

You also need to decided what you will compromise on and what you won't and this is very important.

There needs to be boundaries and you need to be okay about what you compromise on.

I think this is the biggest issue I've had to face in my relationship. Should I compromise to make him happy or do I compromise for the greater good knowing that in the long term it doesn't really matter?

I have to remember I've lived alone most of my adult life so letting someone in is quite daunting.

He doesn't wipe up and put away. What's the big deal? He doesn't put things back where he got them? No biggie. He messes up your carefully positioned couch cushions. Good lord. What are you going to do?!!

So what if these things aren't done like I'm used to? At least I have this guy in my life who has enriched it in more ways than annoying my anal-retentive tendencies.

Fair enough on compromising on the little things but you have to decide on what you won't compromise on.

For me it's basic manners and common courtesy.

Unfortunately (fortunately?) I was brought up with high standards when it comes to manners. I expect them from my friends and my boyfriend.

So much so I had it written in my online profile. I wanted any potential suitors to know what was a priority for me and what was a deal breaker.

Waiting for someone to finish eating while sitting at the table is a given.
You wait while your girlfriend gets her bag out of the car before you walk off together.
You ask if she wants a coffee.
You don't start watching a movie on tv before she's sitting next to you.
If you're getting a drink, then ask if she wants one too.
There are two Chicos left in the packet - share them with her.

The list can be as long or as short as you make it, but either way you need to choose what you will compromise on and what you won't.

And remember, compromise isn't as simple as saying no.

Navigating a serious relationship at the age of 37

Noone hands you a user manual for relationships. Perhaps they should and it should start from the end and work backwards.

Navigating a relationship at any age is a challenge but put yourself in my shoes. My 37-year-old shoes.

It's not easy to change your habits after living by yourself for so long and being used to doing things just the way you like it.

But alas, I met a guy through eHarmony after only a few weeks. I never thought I'd be one of those statistics where you meet someone online. A genuine, decent guy wanting the same things you do.

But noone tells you actually how hard it will be to try and blend the two lives together at such a late stage in your lives.

I am 37 and he is 39 and needless to say we both didn't think we'd find ourselves single at that age and looking for love through the stroke of a keyboard.

But here we both are.

Sure you have your own friends, hobbies and careers but trying to mash them all together is sometimes harder than it appears.

I love scary movies - have since I was about 10 or 11 years old. Now as an adult it's really hard to find someone who shares my love of this night time indulgence. But I did and we watch plenty of scary movies and I happily grip his arm at the scary parts.

I think what doesn't change, no matter what age you are entering a relationship, is not knowing where the other stands.

Do they like you as much as you do (let's face it - one always likes someone more than the other one does).

At what stage do you meet their friends? When do you introduce them to yours? When do they meet the fockers? When do you meet theirs?

You don't want to seem too eager to pass all these milestones, but secretly you hope he likes you enough to want to push you into the deep end, head first.

And boy does it feel good.

You walk proudly with this guy on your arm and hope everyone knows he's yours, he's your boyfriend and he's chosen you.

You skip along blissfully unaware of whatever else is happening around you.

You're in love and it feels f***ing fantastic!

Boy, why did it take 37 years to get here you ask?