It's a jungle out there without any GPS

My latest sojourn in the online dating world hasn't gone so well.

I was ready to close down my online dating profile and I was telling a friend about it when she suggested I write it like an ad - you know - one last chance, all offers accepted, that kind of thing.

I thought it was funny and set about writing the perfect profile to capture the guy - any guy's - attention.

This is what I decided on:
Hi - last chance to make a genuine offer - all offers considered. I'm here for one more week, then I'm closing my account. No returns or refunds. Here's the deal......and I used the rest of my usual profile to pad it out.

I was hoping having a sense of humour might attract a different kind of guy - one who would appreciate my dry sense of humour and would want to contact me.

But it didn't go to plan - while I though it was ingenious, not many others did not.

While I eagerly checked my profile to see if there were any new views or messages, I came to the realisation it just wasn't working.

It's a jungle out there without any GPS.

Noone is giving you the navigation directions - you are trying to find your own way through this jungle of photos and profiles which aren't jumping out at you.

I've known this for awhile now, but it wasn't until I tried my 'one week only' catch phrase that I realised it wasn't working. None of my stints on online dating were resulting in any decent men contacting me.

I am all about accepting my faults and realising where I went wrong, but you get to a point where you are just too old to change and too used to the ways things have been.

Let's face it - no guy has come close to me wanting to change.

Each time I chat to a new guy I try a new tact, but it's just not working.

But back to the fire sale...I messaged a guy who had viewed my profile the day I was going to close it. I thought, what the hell, I don't have anything to lose so I messaged him.

He thought I'd already closed my account so hadn't messaged (that was his story anyway) and we had a laugh about how guys weren't finding my profile funny (at least I was!).

He was fitting into this category. The category where guys seem to be too lazy to make the first move - whether it be sending the first message, being the one to ask the other on a date or offering their phone number.

So we chatted for a few days before going on a first date which turned out to be awkward. He sat on a lemon, lime and bitters while I downed two vodkas (and I'm by no means a big drinker).

I'd forgotten my glasses too so I was worried I wouldn't recognise him! Afterall, I only had his profile pics to go on.

Oh, and I forgot to mention he has a kid. First guy I've ever been on a date with who has a child. He showed me pics too...

He was keen to catch up again, but I wasn't. I knew I didn't want to entertain the idea of being with someone who already had children and this guy just didn't excite me.

So now I'm foot loose and let back into the real world - where you meet people in the flesh and strike up meaningful conversations and you don't hide behind a screen on a phone.

Well, that's the plan anyway. Wish me luck.

Ghosting is the New Black

Ghosting: the practice of ending a personal relationship with somebody by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

I'm going to let you into the shittier side of online dating. The bit when you put all your time and energy into something working, when all you're left with is unanswered texts and many, many quesions.

I've spoken before about needing a thick skin when it comes to online dating - it certainly isn't for the feint hearted and this experience is one of those times. 

This post is for all the single ladies out there who have been ghosted by a guy.

As the description at the beginning suggests, ghosting is when someone cuts all contact without any "it's not you, it's me" bullshit.

My most recent ghosting incident happened on NYE. 

Let me set the scene: I'd been chatting (by this I mean texting) to this FIFO worker for two weeks and we'd tentatively planned to catch up on New Year's Day before he went back to work.

We'd been messaging up until NYE night when, bam, nothing. Two weeks of messages and then radio silence.

He cut contact without an explanation or a simple I'm just not that into you text. I mean we all hide behind text messages as it is - so this wouldn't have been any different.

At first I was pissed off - I'd invested a lot of time and energy in this guy. I mean texting every day for two weeks with someone you barely know. It takes determination and a lot of question asking!

I stupidly thought we were both on the same page and were keen to meet each other in the flesh.

Oh was I wrong.

Somewhere along the line he thought it would be okay to stop all contact with me and that would be okay.

And you know what? I wanted to send him a message and tell him what I thought about him not having any regard for my feelings or at least have the decency to be honest and say he didn't want to meet up.

It took all my self control (and when it comes to this I usually don't have much) not to message because at the end of the day he didn't reply to my other messages about where we were going to meet on New Year's Day so why would this message be different?

I'd just be this psycho girl sending him crazy texts and he'd feel better that he'd made the right decision, or dodged a bullet, blah blah blah.

You might remember the last time I was ghosted back in August 2015 with a guy I'd been seeing for a few weeks.

I remember haggling him for a couple of weeks when he finally did return my texts and all I wanted to know was why? And his response of "I just wasn't feeling it" didn't make me feel any better.

So this time I decided to be the bigger person and let it slide. I didn't message this guy, look at his online profile. Hell, I haven't even facebook-stalked him since.

He doesn't deserve anymore of my time if he thinks he can treat a woman like that. The whole time I kept thinking, what would his mum say if she knew her son treated women like this?

I was talking to a colleague at work and she said to me he's 36, there's no way he's going to change his behaviour now.

How right you are. But I can change the way I act. I will be the better person. Water off a duck's back - repeat after me - water off a duck's back.

So I did the grown up thing and deleted his details from my phone (incuding all 993 text messages) and when I 'unmatched' with him on POF I chose the 'inappropriate offline behaviour' reason.

One small step for me, one giant leap for woman kind.

Tinder comeback

Full disclosure, I stole the headline from a guy I had been chatting to who had be off Tinder for awhile, but decided to make a triumphant return.

It's been a little over three months since my last post so I thought I'd start 2017 off with a new one.

A had a look through my calendar and I only went on three dates in 2016 - what an abysmal number - especially when I had such a good 2015.

I joined Tinder (again) about four weeks ago after a colleague of mine was having such great success so I thought I'd give it ago.

I think the 'hook up' tag is not as evident as it used to be with Tinder, but there are plenty of guys who tell you exactly what they are on there for and what they are looking for.

I had one message from a guy that asked if he said enough nice things, would we have sex? Umm, no buddy. What part of the 'not interested in a hook up' in my profile was he confused about?

Another guy sent me a gif with Joey from Friends and the words 'how you doin'?'. I didn't even respond.

I have certainly had my eyes opened about a few things and here are a few of my observations.

I never knew 'roping' was a sexual thing, one guy only wanted to chat to women who were not vanilla and another said he'd buy a girl pizza and touch their butt.

I've seen my fair share of the obligatory selfies, complete with the toilet in the background.

I can't forget the guy in a beanie wearing a women's pink dressing gown, another guy is pictured with either his (young) partner, or daughter - I still don't know which it is, but it was creepy nonethless.

There was a couple who were looking for another woman, or couple to join them. Then there was a married guy keen for Friday lunchtime liaisons.

Another guy is trying to lean sexily over his motorbike (it's not working), while another simply has a picture of a bird and the words 'everything is a dildo if you're brave enough'.

What can I say. It's a tough ride wading through these profiles to hopefully find the needle in the haystack.

How (not) to pick up on a Saturday night

I've never mentioned any guys' names, until now.

You'll know why I have to this time.

I'd moved into a new unit and was trying the local Thai cuisine when I got chatting with a guy who was also waiting for his takeaway order.

He seemed quite nice - he was telling me he eats there every Saturday (sweet and sour chicken) and they knew his order before he even walked through the door.

Turns out this particular Saturday night he was supposed to go out for drinks with friends, but the bailed at the last minute.

We only spoke for about 15 minutes but I knew he'd been seeing a girl (he'd wanted to take her to the restaurant on a date but they've broken up beforehand), knew he likes sweet and sour pork and he knew where the closest liquor store was.

Lucky for him because my friend set off in search for some cider to have with dinner.

By the time she returned she thought I would have lined up a date with him. Nope.

Our order was called and we left.

I thought about him the following week and figured if I really wanted to see him again I could just go back to the Thai takeaway.

A couple of weeks later my parents were in town and I decided to have Thai.  Mum waited in the car while I ran in and picked up the order. 

I run smack bang into this guy.

Even though I was hoping he would be there, I didn't expect him to be.

The exchange went a bit like this:

Me: Hey, how you going? It's good to see you again
Him: Yeah I'm good. Nice to see you too
Lady behind counter: Do you have an order to pick up?
Me: Yes, order for Barbara please

[At this stage I realised this guy had no idea what my name was and I still didn't know his.]

Me blurting out: Do you wanna go for a drink sometime?
Him looking slightly taken aback: Ummm, Yeah?
Me not knowing what to say: Do you have a pen and I can give you my number? Or a phone?
Him still awkwardly standing there...
Lady behind counter who had witnessed the whole exchange....tears some paper off the till and hands this guy the paper and a pen (bless her)
Me: I don't even know your name!
Him: It's Ty
Me laughs out loud: Ty and we're in a Thai shop!
Him: But my name is spelt Ty...
Me: yep, I get the spelling and he totally didn't get my joke just now...
Him: writes down my name (brownie points for listening when I said my order) and I give him my number

I make a quick exit with my takeaway and don't think much of the awkward, yet laughable moment that just happened.

But to give the guy credit, he did message me the next day (props to him - thought I'd come across too pushy).

We messaged back and forth a few times, then nothing. A week goes by and still no word.

He had seemed keen to go for a drink. I decided to take the bull by the horns (again) and messaged him asking if he still wanted to catch up and not to worry if he'd changed his mind.

He replied explaining his best friends had a baby and he'd been caught up with that during the week.

We planned to catch up the following Friday night.

All afternoon I wasn't feelin' it. Usually I'm excited to meet the guy but I just wasn't this time.

But I didn't back out - I met him and we had a few drinks and then dinner but there wasn't any chemistry.

I was too afraid to ask his age but I'm pretty it's late 20s as he's been in his current (and only?) job for almost 10 years and started when he was at school...

He seemed to be at the stage in his life where he had all these big plans, hopes and dreams to do "when he grew up". Problem was I had already grown up and was looking for someone on the same page.

We just weren't at the same stages in our lives (irrespective of our ages).

I can't blame him though - he gave it a good crack. He was nice but wasn't for me.

And if I've learnt anything from my numerous first dates, it's to go with your instinct. Trust your gut.

I ended the date with me waiting for an Uber while he looked for the bus station.

I messaged him the next day saying thanks for a lovely date but I thought we were just at different stages in our lives (cliche I know, but it was true) and all the best.

No reply. I'm still waiting. It just proved I was right.

Let's just say Thai or Ty isn't on the menu anytime soon.

I Asked My Uber Driver Out

I asked my Uber driver out. I have no shame. 

But for anyone who knows me, this isn't really out of the ordinary. I put myself out there. Always have and hope I always will.

I'd been on a date with a Spanish guy and it was so boring I cut it short after an hour-and-a-half.

I grabbed some takeaway and called an Uber to take me home, all before 9.30pm on a Friday night. Not a good indication of how the date went.

My driver arrives (I'd seen his photo and he looked cute) and I jumped in the front seat and he was asking how my night was and I tell him I was on a date.

He was keen to hear about it and within a few minutes it was just like we were two people driving - not an Uber driver and passenger.

He wanted to hear about the boring date and he confessed he'd only been on three dates in his life (which of course I had trouble believing).

He also ran his own business and gave me his business card with his name and number on it. Said he was 38 and found it was hard to meet girls when he spends his weekends doing Uber.

He wanted to hear more about my date so I indulged him - said I wasn't attracted to the guy and he appeared to be a mummy's boy.

He found this quite funny and I decided to share with him that I write a blog about online dating. He thought I went on dates just to write a blog, but I said it was the other way 'round.

H'd been on Tinder during a recent overseas trip and went on an amazing date but assured me nothing happened. Not that it made any difference to me.

My 20 minute ride comes to an end, we say goodbye and I head inside. About half an hour later I decide to send him a message (I had his business card.). 

I was pretty lame - hi it's Barbara, you've just dropped me home.....I asked if he wanted to go for a drink sometime. I sent him the link to my blog and said here's a laugh and it if you still wanted to catch up after you'd read it, to let me know.

He replied 15 minuted later - said he was keen to catch up and he wanted to warm me he was very cheeky......right. And you don't think I am mate??

There were a few messages back and forth but we never ended up catching up for that drink.

But for the first little while I did take a breath every time I requested an Uber....!

50 First Date Questions

I pride myself on being able to talk to just about anyone so it's a good thing I worked as a journalist for almost a decade.

These skills also come in handy when I'm getting to know someone, but I'm also aware sometimes I can appear to be interrogating them.

I experienced the other side, a rather extreme side, recently with a guy I was chatting to on POF.

We spoke on the phone for the first time for two hours but it was two hours I'm trying to forget.

This guy interrogated me and not in a good way.

He started off with the generic questions like the types of music I listened to, movies I watched and what I did for work.

Then came the hard-hitting ones like when was the last time I was intimate with someone? I pulled him up on this asking why did it matter? It could have been on the weekend.

There was silence and he said "well, was it?". I said it didn't matter when I last had sex.

He asked what size I was (I'm not telling anybody this), did I take any medication (again, this is none of his business), did I like to get dressed up, did I wear makeup??

The whole time I kept pulling him up on the questions and said it was like he had a check list and he was ticking boxes as we were talking.

He was taking it all very seriously, while I was laughing at these ridiculous questions but also trying to lighten the mood.

I asked him if he was a serious guy by nature and he said he was - finding a partner was serious business.

I told him it was supposed to be a fun and exciting time getting to know someone and you don't always find out the answers to your questions straight away.

He then hit with the big one - did I want kids because he doesn't go on a second date with someone who doesn't.

There was silence (as there usually is when someone asks me if I want kids) and he asked again. I used a defensive tone I'm known for and said I didn't know - my profile said I was undecided and that's what I was.

I don't need to explain myself to anyone, let alone justify my decision. I did not like the pressure he was putting on me when I hadn't even met him.

And where does he get off asking so many private, inappropriate questions?

He told me in so many words he has a list of questions he asks a girl before they meet so he can decide whether they should go on a date.

At this stage, we'd already planned to go on our first (and last?) date in two days' time.

I said to him I felt that if I gave him the 'wrong' answer he'd cancel the date. He assured me he wouldn't.

It's hard to really put this experience into words, but it's like I was having an out of body experience and couldn't do anything but sit and watch it unfold.

I was on the phone with this guy for two hours. Why I didn't put a stop to all the questioning earlier, I don't know.

But I finally did with the promise we'd meet each other for our first date in two days' time (even though that already felt like our first date).

I was feeling really uneasy when I got off the phone, so much so, I drafted a text to him to cancel the date, but thought I'd sleep on it first.

I woke up the next day and felt the same and messaged him saying I didn't want to take things further. I said all those questions he asked obviously meant a lot to him but they didn't to me and made me feel uncomfortable. He should be with someone who wants what he wants and I'm not that person.

He replied saying he understood and hoped I found what I'm looking for.

Then three minutes later he messaged again saying he was glad he asked those questions afterall.

Almost like he proved a point.

I refrained from giving him my thoughts on the matter.

So if I've learned anything from this, it's to tread carefully with the questions I ask when getting to know someone.

Sure, I ask a lot of questions, but they're pretty standard like what do you do for fun, do you have brothers and sisters, where was the last place you went overseas blah blah blah.

I certainly don't ask when someone last had sex.

The Long Date with the Short Guy

I've never had an issue about a guy's height because to me, it wasn't a deal breaker. But granted, I usually went on dates with guys who were taller than me. Until now.

I had my first Plenty of Fish date for the year a few weeks ago and it turns out the guy was short. And the date was long, but not in a good way.

We met at a little bar at 3pm one Sunday afternoon. Conversation was easy and before we knew it, we were two drinks in and three hours into what turned out to be a six-hour date. We were enjoying each other's company (or so it seemed). 

We decided to move to another bar and jumped on the City Cat. It was about this time when we were walking down the street I realised how short he was. He brought it up too, even making fun of himself plenty of times.

We're at another bar and I thought the date was going well - we seemed at ease in each other's company and had plenty to talk about. 

We knew about each other's siblings, parents, careers, friends and were comfortable to ask just about anything.

Almost two hours later we're about to leave and we get into some of the deal breakers we each have (don't you just love the heavy stuff people wanted to talk about on date #1?).

I said I wouldn't date someone who did drugs and the conversation comes to a halt. Turns out he does drugs "occasionally". When I asked how often that was, he clammed up and said it depended how he was feeling, but usually every couple of weeks.

He'd lied in his profile (I'm sure a lot of people do) as one of the questions is just that - do you do drugs? But really, who is going to say yes...

We'd spent almost six hours together and at no stage did I think this guy wasn't enjoying himself. Apart from the awkward turn it took at the end.

I had enjoyed myself and I don't stay on a date for that long if I'm not having fun. I don't think anyone should.

I offered to drop him home as he didn't live far from me. He leans over in the car and kisses me on the cheek and can't get out of the car fast enough. That's odd...

We'd been talking about books we were reading and he said to send him a pic of the cover of mine and he'll do the same with his.

I get home, send him the photo and say I had a nice night and would be keen to see where this goes with a decond date.

He replies a few minutes later with the photo of his book. But no message. I thought that was weird, so I got ready for bed. Looked at my phone 20 minutes later and he's sent a long message back.

He said he'd had a lovely afternoon as well, but to be honest he wasn't sure he was what I was looking for in a guy and he didn't want to f**k me around.

I replied the next morning saying thanks for letting me know and all the best. Even though I didn't want to thank him for letting me know. Why couldn't he have just said I had a nice time, but I wanted to leave it there?

Hate when guys say they're not right for me. How do they know what I'm looking for? Certainly wouldn't know after one date.

The thing that annoyed me most was the amount of time we both wasted that Sunday afternoon and the fact he had the perfect chance to end the date after drinks at the first place. Why we continued to the next place for drinks is beyond me.

I don't like wasting time, particularly when it's with a guy who turns out not to be that into me.

Maybe my next date should only go for an hour or two.

**By the way, I have to thank a friend for the headline. She thought it was hilarious when she came up with it!