I was talking to a friend on the phone tonight and I realised something I've known for awhile, but didn't want to admit.
I was telling her how I feel when I spend time with this guy I've been seeing (casually).
I explained when we do see each other it's amazing and all the other problems fade into the background.
I don't pretend to be anyone else - in fact I'm probably at my most comfortable with him and it's a pretty damn good feeling.
But that's only 5% of the time.
The other 95% is shit.
When he leaves, I don't know when I'm going to see him again, or even hear from him.
You see, he has a history of taking at least 24 hours to respond to a text from me.
And don't even get me started on him texting first.
I've been tossing up whether - and when - I'm going to talk to him about how I'm feeling for months now.
But then we see each other - have such a great time and my mind goes foggy with short-term memory loss.
But it's clearer tonight than it has been for months.
I'm putting my future long-term happiness in jeopardy for a short-term gain.
I was hoping by now it would have paid off.
But we know it rarely does.
So I have two options:
1. Wait until I hear from this guy again to organise a face-to-face catchup and tell him in person - keeping in mind it's likely to be a number of weeks
2. Sleep on it for a few nights and carefully craft a message to him
I know in my gut it's going to be option 2.
For a number of reasons.
I can't wait that long - who knows when I'll actually hear from him?
Secondly, my dad has always said there's three types of people.
Those who watch things happen.
Those who make things happen.
And those who wondered what the hell just happened.
Now I've always been in the second category.
I don't wait around for things to change - I get out there and make the change myself.
Whether that's moving cities because things just weren't working or quitting a job because I no longer found joy in it.
The only difference this time is it's taken me a number of months to see what's right in front of me.
I deserve so much better than this.
