Getting Back on the Horse

I've gotten over my date from hell last week, but I am conscious about not letting that change the person I am.

I have done a lot of self discovery over the past seven days and have come to the conclusion I WAS NOT the problem during the date. He was. He was the one with the issues of being 31 and not being married or having any kids.

He shouldn't have put all the pressure on me on our first date.

But enough about that.

I have decided there's not much I need to change about the way I meet people through online dating.

I am, however, a little more aware of whether people tick if they want children in their profile. I am not going to feel bad because I am 33 and don't know if I want children of my own. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions and I will certainly not talk about it on a first date (which is the motto I usually go by).

The thing which has changed, is what I share with people during our initial correspondence. I am a bit more reserved and don't say as much as soon as I used to.

And you can really weed out the ones who aren't serious. Some guys just keep talking about having a good day and, one in particular, after each email, says he hopes to hear from me soon. Mate, I don't want to feel sorry for you. Don't appear so desperate.

The ones who initiate contact and send a decent email with enough information about them and enough questions to you to whet the appetite, will get my attention every time.

It's too much effort (and a waste of time) to keep asking how the other's day was. There needs to be more substance than that.

This is where music, movies, family etc comes in. If that's what you want to find out about the person. It's not a deal breaker if I don't like the same music, but if I see a profile (or if someone tells me) the last time they went to a cinema was 10 years ago, I'd be reluctant to continue contact as I frequent the movies every week and it's a big part of who I am.

Similarly with travelling overseas. One guy who contacted me said he didn't have any desire to go overseas and just wanted to stay in Australia. That's okay for him, but I love travelling overseas and intend to do more so a union between us wouldn't work out.

I'm not really any closer to meeting a nice guy (although I do have a date lined up for the weekend) but I know it's not me, it's you!

First Date Disaster - What NOT To Do

I'm not entirely sure how I'm feeling after tonight's date...in three-and-a-half hours the guy managed to tell me he just wanted to be friends, five years ago he would never have considered dating a blonde (which I am) and we just wouldn't work out because I don't like Japanese food.

Let's start at the beginning...

Even though my profile says 'undecided' about kids, this guy who 'wants kids' was happy to go on a date with me. But for the first hour (okay, whole date) this guy was telling me how much he wanted to meet "the one" he could have two kids (brought up as Christian) by the time he's 40 (he's 31).

Then into hour three he decided the fact I don't like Japanese food was a deal breaker, because "what happens if we see a movie and I want to get some Japanese afterwards and you don't want it??".

He also managed to insult me in saying the only reason he went on a "night time" date with me was because he knew I wouldn't try to sleep with him. Thanks, that makes me sleep a whole lot better at night.

His usual M.O. is breakfast dates, which I was against from the start. But his thinking, he wouldn't end up in bed with girl at 10am.

He also enlightened me to the fact "I'm not a white picket fence girl". He doesn't want to waste three years, wake up one day and realise we weren't right for each other.

He also admitted to being addicted to sex and he usually sleeps with girls on the first date.

On the upside (if there is one??) is I managed to get him to spill the beans in one sitting. Not that I was ready for this. He said most don't break down the walls he puts up and he avoids eye contact because "they're the window to the soul".

I know, right? Pretty heavy shit for a first date.

He also said it was better this way, being honest, rather than him dodging my calls or texts down the track. NEWS FLASH: I would have preferred you to tell me via text you weren't interested, rather than ruining almost four hours of my Wednesday night making me feel pretty shit about myself. 

I can do that all by myself - don't need anyone else's help.

I was the one to call it quits (at 11.15pm) on the date and he was all like "if you're happy to be friends with me, I can do that".

I politely told him I didn't join online dating to find more "friends".

He left to catch a train; I went for a cab. Now I'm back in the big, bad world of "plenty more fish in the sea".

Throwing Your Hat in the Ring

I've gone from three possible suitors to zero in a matter of days. And it's my own fault.

I thought going on dates with two guys was enough, so when I heard from a third, I felt like I would be cheating on the others. Plus it was unfair on him. After I had replied to his initial email, I let him know there was someone else I was keen on.

He thanked me for my honesty and now it's bitten me in the arse.

In a matter of days the guy I was keen on turned out not to have any balls and tell me he wasn't interested, another hit it off with another girl (didn't realise he was dating others?) and I blew off the third.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

But tonight I decided to get back on the horse so I changed my profile a little and my main photo.

I must not be attracting the right types of people. Where in my profile does it say I want to be stood up, or I'll go on a date with the girl, then lead her on. Or my favourite, let's not contact her again. Ever.

I know the saying you've got to be in it to win it applies here but at what stage do you weigh up at what price?

A friend said this online dating caper was a hobby - and it is. I spend a lot of time (well, not as much as I used to) looking at people's profiles (apparently I have more than 600 matches....) and of course seeing who has contacted me.

It comes in peaks and troughs. Just when I'm about to close my account and settle with being single for the foreseeable future, I get a little interest from guys and my mood picks up again.

But then when there are times like this, when there is noone interested (or anyone I'd like) I wonder why I've put myself out there.

I have to share with you a profile I saw tonight. This guy managed to insult me even though we hadn't met.

He basically said if my idea of fun was to jump out of a plane (it is) then we wouldn't get along because he is looking for an intelligent and thoughtful person who follows their passion in life.

Apparently I'm not thoughtful, intelligent and shouldn't follow my passion.

I was also contacted by guy (41) who I had rejected back in June. Dude, I didn't like you then (and pretty sure your age hasn't changed), so don't try your luck a second time.

Playing the Field

I think this is one of the hardest things I came to terms with - talking to more than one guy at a time.

In the real world there is no way I would meet two guys, chat to them, then organise a date with each of them.

I'd be lucky to meet just one (but hey, that's why I'm here, right? The traditional ways weren't working).

The thing I've found with online dating is it's acceptable to do this. You can chat to more than one guy at a time (keep your options, open they say) and even go on dates with more than one suitor.

It kinda feels a little dishonest but guys have been doing this for ages, why should I feel guilty?

Because that's not who I am.

But I also realise I'm in the position where I'm looking for love online and I need to do what I have to to achieve this.

Don't worry, the dates were PG!

I wonder if this is what happens to people when they go online??? Do they start doing things they wouldn't normally?? I never would have thought I could go on dates with two people, in the same day, but that's what I've done.

As a friend pointed out, at least both the guys were fresh in my mind! It made it a lot clearer on the weekend which of the two I liked.

I have to admit, I did wake up the morning of the dates and feel very anxious. Think my conscience was back. I didn't feel good about it at all.

But, I still went through with it.

So my advice for anyone grappling with talking to more than one (online) guy at a time? Just don't do anything you would regret. True, you may not usually do this kind of thing, but if things start getting serious with one guy, make sure you put the other straight.

No use leading him on and wasting his time.

The Etiquette of Online Dating

I think the etiquette of online dating isn't talked about enough. You have taken the first step of creating a profile and put yourself at the mercy of a few hundred (or thousand?) suitors but what do you do now?

People are expected to know what to say, how to act or even how you first initiate contact with someone without really knowing what they are doing.

Here are my dos and don'ts (so far) with online dating:

Do

• Include photos of yourself in your profile - the guy needs to see what you look like
• If someone sends you a 'kiss' (or equivalent) and wants to get to know you and you are not interested, let them know. Don't let it drag on
• Same goes if you like someone. I say a 24 hour turn around is good
• Keep you profile active - don't check it randomly. Daily is good
• Try to be funny and witty in your profile, but don't over do it. You don't want to tell the guy everything about yourself just yet
• Read a few other profiles first so you can gauge a good and bad one
• Remember when you look at someone's profile, they know, so keep the number of 'visits' to a minimum
• Think through what you write in your profile because the site will match you with like-minded people

Don't

• Upload inappropriate photos - remember this is the first impression the guy has of you
• Use old photos - they must be current
• Say anything untrue. You want to be honest from the start
• Join unless you are serious about meeting someone
• Send photos to a guy "because he wants to make sure you look like your photos" (I didn't fall for that)

Don't (for guys)

• Upload a selfie of you standing in front of your bathroom mirror
• Upload any photos without your shirt on - there is plenty of time for the girl to see what's under those manly Ts and tightie whities
• Upload a photo of yourself with a girl's arm around you (yes we can tell it's your ex)
• Say you are over the clubbing scene - everyone says that (isn't that why we are all here in the first place?)
• Talk about how much you love the gym (but you're not a gym junkie)

I use the same rules for online dating as I would dating in the real world:

If you like someone, let them know.
If you're not interested, tell them.
Don't feel compelled to waste your time (and theirs) waiting for that spark, or chemistry. If it's not there, it's not there.
Don't be afraid to see what's out there - don't settle for the first person who shows an interest in your profile.

Take a leap of faith! 


I have.

The Realisation it Won't Happen Overnight

I think when I joined online dating I thought I'd go on one date, find a nice guy (not necessarily "the one") and I wouldn't have to trawl through anymore profiles or read about guys who are easy going, love going to the gym and enjoys the outdoors.

I mean, do girls really want to hear about this because I know I don't. Perhaps if this were true and you didn't read it in every profile it would be different.

Some guys are so specific about what they are looking for in a partner I begin to know why they are still single.

One wanted a girl between 172-182cm tall, another said she had to be really fit, healthy and enjoy a good lifestyle. She also had to exercise a lot and eat healthy.

Another said he wasn't a druggo, alco, liar or untidy while another simply said broken guy, will try one more time.

Most guys enjoy some couch potato time but they make it known they don't want someone who is a slug.


The reality is, online dating is just like dating in the real world. You can meet some tossers you shouldn't have wasted your time on but the truth is, you still have to wade through the crap before you find anyone worthwhile.

You hope what people say in their profiles is true, but you don't really know unless you swap emails (this is where the "stamps" come in) or you progress to the phone number stage and you line up a time to meet face-to-face.


I still have friends telling me to go to a popular place that's well lit and make sure you tell so-and-so where you are going.

I mean, come on. You don't throw common sense out the window simply because you have turned to the web to find love. And I wish people would give me more credit. Of course I would stick to the "normal" dating rules. I'm not going down some dark, dingy alley with a guy I've been emailing for a week.

Earlier I mentioned I'd been stood up. If I'm entirely honest, I wasn't surprised. I'd gotten a few signals before the actual date that he wasn't serious about it and I even called him on it - saying he'd only joined to get laid (he said that wasn't true).

He'd asked me at least three times to text him a photo "because I once went on a date with a woman who was 10 years older than her profile"...

I didn't fall for that. And when I'd texted him a couple of hours before the date to confirm the time, I didn't get a response.

Perhaps he had second thoughts - fair enough. But he still could have hid behind a text and let me know he wasn't interested before I had done my hair and makeup and paid $15 for parking.

But I'm not bitter about it. I wallowed for about a week, but then picked myself up again, dusted off my computer keys and began searching again...

Joining the Online Dating World

I’ve come to the realisation dating in my 30s is not the same as it was in my 20s. You talk “grown up” stuff like how work is going, what your flatmates are like and what movies you’ve seen.

Gone are the days of discussing the exciting things like where you went for drinks last night, or what bands you are going to see or your next trip. 

I joined online dating eight weeks ago and now I am surrounded with "kisses", stamps and emails.

I thought the hardest part was joining - it wasn't. Trying to write a profile which had enough information to get the guy's attention but not too much to make you sound up yourself was hard.

So far my experience is three dates and one stand-up.

I was chatting to my mum on the phone after date #2 and my dad yells out “so she wasn’t thrown in a ditch yet?”. I thought he was talking about their cat. But no, it was me - their daughter. Thanks for the encouragement dad.

I want to share my (online) dating experiences with anyone willing to read them. Laugh at my stories (and secretly be glad they are not happening to you!), scoff or even just be happy you are already loved up and not putting yourself (and your profile) out there.

I promise I won't tell you how many times I visit the gym, how I'm looking for a "down to earth" guy who likes to go out but still enjoy a quiet night in and who is a "social" drinker.